Father Thomas usually deals with the wakes, but he’s very sick at the moment. Bedridden, in fact.
God! What caused it?
Jack Daniels, mostly.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
And now, I don’t mind a bit of a breeze – if anything, I prefer it – but thon was aggressive. So I says to myself, says I, “Colm, this is no day for a do.”
What’s happening?
For when the bride arrived – and as I say, by this stage the wind was fierce –
Am I dead?
I’ve never heard wind like it.
Is this my wake?
Howling like a banshee, it was.
Am I in hell?
So the poor girl, the bride now, this is, she arrives anyway, and isn’t she no sooner out of the car than she’s lifted up in the air like a paper doll, and blown into a flowerbed.
That’s actually quite funny.
Clare What are we gonna do? What in under God are we gonna do?
It’s fine.
It’s definitely not fine. There’s drug scones down there. If people eat the drug scones, then we’ve drugged those people, Michelle.
So? Drugging people isn’t a crime.
You’ve a very loose grasp of the law, Michelle.
What kind of person brings hash scones to a wake?
Typical. I try and do a nice thing, and this is the thanks I get.
It’s terrible. There’s old people down there. What if an old person takes one?
Why does everybody get so sentimental about old people? Old people are arseholes.
We have to get them back.
Look, I’m not disagreeing with you. I bought that stuff so I could get high, not your great uncle Colm.
Christ, can you imagine?
Hold on a minute. Where did the scones go?
Okay, I’ll head for the kitchen and grab whatever’s still there. The rest of you look out for any ones that have gone rogue, and remember, be subtle.
I can’t believe we’re doing this. It’s fucking heartbreaking.
Look, Granda’s had one, and now he’s acting really, really weird.
You’re being paranoid, Erin.
He was nice to Daddy.
Jesus!
Exactly! And if my ma starts asking questions…
Your ma won’t trace it back to us.
Are you for real? She traces everything back to us. She traces things we haven’t even done, back to us.
Are you sure this will work?
This is how you get rid of drugs, Clare. I’ve seen GoodFellas, like, 20 times.
That’s not the only way. I watched this film once about this girl who was trying to hide drugs, and what she did was, she shoved them right up her--
I’m not sticking a scone up my hole, Orla, I’ll tell you that for nothing.
Okay, I’m going to flush.
Go for it.
Is it working?
Of course it’s working.
Is the water rising?
Jesus Christ! Why is the water rising, James?
I don’t know. The water didn’t rise in GoodFellas.
Fuck! We’ve clogged it.
Who has a plunger?
I’m afraid I left the house without my plunger tonight, Orla.
Aye, me too. Nightmare, so it is.
AAll
Oh, whoa!
Miss Cheung’s family have recently moved here to Derry so I hope you’ll all make her feel very welcome. It’s bound to be a bit of a culture shock, Mae. Things are done differently in this part of the world. But I’m sure you’ll soon feel as at home here as you did back in your beloved Donegal.
There she is. Okay, so I say we just over there and be ourselves, girls. Well, not totally ourselves. We should definitely be a bit ourselves. We could also pretend we’re sort of better than we actually are, so, I suppose what I’m saying is we could present a version of ourselves as less --
Crap.
Precisely.
Why do we even have to talk to her?
Because she’s new, Michelle!
Urgh! I hate people I don’t know.
And, in case you hadn’t noticed, she also happens to be Chinese. I mean, how class would it be to have a Chinese friend?!
We could keep her in my toy box.
No, we couldn’t, Orla.
Oh, she’d definitely fit.
That is not the point.
Fine. But can we agree it’s on a strict one-in, one-out basis? If she joins the group, James has to leave.
Course!
Absolutely.
Excuse me?
(greets Mae in Chinese)
MCMae Cheung
Is she all right?
Burning for you, Clare.
I-It’s Cantonese.
MCMae Cheung
Right. Well, I’m from Donegal and we speak English there.
If you say so, Mae, but I spent the summer in Killybegs, and seriously? Not a fucking word.
We just wanted to introduce ourselves and --
MCMae Cheung
Okay, I think I see where this is going. I get this a lot. Dull white girls wanting me to join their gang because, well…
We’re not dull.
MCMae Cheung
Sure.
And I’m actually a boy.
MCMae Cheung
Whoa. She has a really fucked-up accent.
We know.
MCMae Cheung
(sighs) What’s in this for me? What are you bringing to the table?
Cream crackers?
MCMae Cheung
I’m good for cream crackers, thank you. I’ll see you around, girls. (She is about to leave)
Maybe we don’t need a Chinese person. We’ve already got a lesbian.
MCMae Cheung
What? Who?
Me.
MCMae Cheung
Really? You don’t look like a lesbian.
What do you mean?
MCMae Cheung
Just that you’re a bit…short.
Well, there’s no height restrictions… as far as I’m aware.
MCMae Cheung
Interesting. I’ve always wanted a gay friend. I mean, ideally a fella.
Howdy, folks!
Christ.
I’m Jenny. This is Aisling. We just thought we’d introduce ourselves and see if…
Too late, Jenny. She’s ours.
I see. Look, these girls are great, but I do have a pen pal from the Caribbean, so, perhaps my circle is a little bit more diverse.
Back. Off.
Think it over. Give me a call. Oh, and FYI, the prom queen vote closes today.
FY nobody gives a shit.
Here’s the wee ballot.
I see you’ve thrown your hat into the ring, Jenny.
I had my arm twisted, but feel free to tick my box.
Dirty bitch.
Well, this prom is going to be a full-blown dick-fest. You know, there isn’t even gonna be a DJ. Apparently, Jenny’s hired this fucking pensioner band.
Christ, really?
I heard the drummer is at least 30.
I don’t feel so bad about missing it now. It clashes with my thing.
The creep convention? Seriously?
It’s not a creep convention.
Well, I think a load of perverts getting together to wank over some fella who fights with Hoovers and rides aliens in a telephone box, is the very fucking definition of a creep convention.
It's a Doctor Who night. Me and my stepdad used to watch it when I was little.
Well, someone should have called social services then, James.
You’re not going to the prom then, James. Well, I was gonna ask you to be my date.
I’m sorry, Clare.
You were gonna ask James to be your date? What the fuck’s wrong with you?
Well, it’s a bit more complicated for me.
You’re a lesbian, Clare, not desperate.
This is a huge deal. This is a massive, massive deal. I’m going to the prom with John Paul O’Reily, for God’s sake. Oh, come on, Mammy.
I don’t care if you’re going to the prom with John Paul II, Erin. I’m not buying you another frock. End of story.
But, Mammy, you don’t understand.
There’s nothing wrong with your Easter dress.
There is lots of things wrong with my Easter dress.
I mean, it matches Orla’s.
That being the main one.
Honestly, Erin, I think we’ll look so cracker if we both rock in wearing these.
Right. Well, I don’t.
Och, Mary, you’d think the wean’s been dropped into it. You wouldn’t nip in a bit for her? I’d do it myself but sewing plays havoc with my acrylics.
Fine.
I really like this fella, Mammy.
Well, if he really likes you, it won’t matter what you wear.
Och, come off it!
Have you a date lined up, Orla?
I do, aye.
What? With, like, a human?
Yeah.
MOMan on TV
This document is an insult to the majority of people of Northern Ireland!
All right, Ian, we get the idea, like.
What are you futtering at?
The picture’s just gone a bit, sort of…
Dear Jesus!
You have to give it a bit of a shock now and again. (He hits the TV again) You have to keep it on its toes.
I’m not sure you do have to keep it on its toes, Joe. It’s a television.
Okay, okay, okay! I’m just going to turn it off and turn it on again. That usually does the trick. (He turns the TV off and on again) There we go. Hm? It doesn’t seem to be anything happening now.
This stupid prick’s broken the TV, Mary!
For God’s sake, Gerry.
He’s been futtering.
Excuse me. You’re the one that was thumping it repeatedly, Joe.
I’ll thump you repeatedly!
Well, the pair of you better sort it out. London’s Burning’s on in 20 minutes.
God, Mary, but them poor fellas are flat out with fires, so they are. Jesus, but they never get a minute.
Aye, it’s a good job they keep themselves in such great shape.
Aw, don’t, Mary. That Greek fella…
He could throw me over his shoulder any day of the week.
Boke-o-rama.
Right. I say we hit Primark first.
MCMae Cheung
Classy.
Yeah, well, we have about £17.50 between us, Mae, so, needs must.
It’s grand. I swiped my ma’s credit card. (She shows them her ma’s credit card)
Is that grand, or is that actually a criminal offense?
Look, we’ll just whack a couple of dresses on it, don’t take the labels off, wear them to prom, then return them the next day. The money will be back in her account as quick as it went out.
No way, Jose.
It’s totally grand, Clare. I do it all the time. You just have to make sure that you don’t, like, spill anything on it, or, like, sweat.
When JFK came to Dublin, Uncle Colm met him, and Daddy didn’t.
Things are gonna be different this time, I tell you.
JFK spoke to Colm? Christ, that man didn’t have much luck, did he?
Any word from Chelsea?
Not yet. And we sent that letter over a week ago.
Are you sure you got the address right?
Chelsea Clinton, the White House, America.
It just doesn’t make any sense.
Did you send it first class?
We’re not made of money, Michelle.
Look, Bill doesn’t even get here till four o’clock tomorrow.
“Bill?” Who are you? His Ma?
We’ve got plenty of time, is all I’m saying.
Do you know how packed that Guildhall Square is gonna be, James? You’d have to camp overnight just to get a glimpse of him.
Chelsea will sort us out.
Ach, I’m not even sure I trust Chelsea anymore.
Aye, Chelsea might be flaky.
She does have crafty eyes.
Okay, I’m not comfortable with the Chelsea-bashing, girls.
That’ll be £1.99.
Right.
Is there some sort of a problem here, girls?
Not a problem, as such. More of a-a-a question, really.
You think I’m here to answer questions, do you? Who am I, Magnus fucking Magnusson?
He doesn’t answer questions, he asks them.
Pipe the fuck down.
It’s just, it’s pink, white and purple, Dennis.
So?
Well, it should be red, white and blue.
Says who?
The rest of the world.
There’s also quite a few stars missing.
No, there’s not.
There’s only 30 stars here. I mean, there should be 50, just because the stars represent states, so…
Some of them left.
Some states left?
That’s right.
Some states left America?
Yep.
When did this happen?
The other day.
God, that’s desperate.
I don’t know, I just feel like if 20 states left the USA, we might have heard about it.
Ah, they didn’t want to make it into a big thing. So these are the new, modern, up-to-date flags. They’ve just brought them out.
Okay. It’s just, well, I’m not convinced that’s actually true.
Well, why would I lie?
Because you bought a fuckload of dud flags, and you’re trying to get rid of them.
GET OUT!
(exiting the shop) What first attracted him to a career in retail, do you think?
You can’t leave, James.
This was always gonna happen. This was never my real life. It was just something that got in the way of it.
What are you talking about? You love it here.
I’m not sure I do. I think I just developed Stockholm syndrome.
Catch yourself on. You’ve never even been to Switzerland!
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