TV show quotes
Anyway, it’s not like I belong here. I never did.
That’s not true. You’re a Derry girl now, James.
Piss off.
I’m serious. It doesn’t matter that you’ve got that stupid accent, or that your bits are different to my bits, well, because being a Derry girl, well, it’s a fucking state of mind. And you’re one of us.
They told us we were young, yet we understood the enormity of it. We understood what was at stake. Our fear was replaced with something altogether more terrifying… hope. Hope is so much worse. With hope you something to lose…
Oh, for fuck’s sake! What’s happened now?
Your TV is such a piece of crap.
No, it’s not. Your camera’s the problem.
My camera’s top of the range!
It’s true. His ma only sends him really expensive shit, you know, to make up for the fact that she doesn’t love him.
Michelle!
Oh, sorry, that came out wrong. I meant… Nope, can’t think of any other way to put that.
That actor there looks so familiar.
That’s you, Orla.
We’re gonna have to reshoot this footage.
No chance!
Oh, come on, Michelle! These kids from Germany made a short film about the Berlin Wall, and it won as Oscar!
Aye, but they probably had, you know, talent. Look, we need to face the fact that we’ve spent the summer making something that’s really quite shite.
It’s not shit, Michelle! Well, the script might need a bit of work.
Do not start on the script again! The script is a masterpiece!
The script is boring, Erin. It doesn’t make any sense. What’s it even about?
Peace!
Urgh, I am so fucking sick of peace! It’s all anyone ever bangs on about. Okay, I think we should just cut our losses, and make a couple of fake videos for “You’ve Been Framed.”
Oh, I can fall down three flights of stairs without even hurting myself!
It’s £250 a pop, people!
No!
Can I ask something?!
Yeah.
How much longer are we gonna ignore the elephant in the room?
Where?
It’s tomorrow, girls. Tomorrow! Christ, I feel sick.
Why? You’re gonna walk it, Clare.
I know that! I’m not worried about me, I’m worried about you four. If you fail your GCSEs the school won’t take you back. I don’t wanna have to make new friends from scratch, I’ll have enough on my plate with the A-levels! I’m just praying you lot will scrape by!
Now, that is very considerate of you, Clare.
I know!
“Try to enjoy what time we have left.” It doesn’t even make any sense.
It means we’ve failed, Erin. It means no GCSEs, ergo no A-levels, ergo no university, ergo the end!
“Ergo” wise up, Clare.
You’re overreacting.
I knew I should have cut ties with you lot a long time ago.
It’s not our fault!
Of course it’s your fault! You’ve dragged me down to your level, your stupidity has finally rubbed off of me. I was a scholar when I met you, Erin, a scholar!
You were three!
Our lives are over.
I wouldn’t say our lives are over.
Passing those exams was our only chance. We’re girls, we’re poor, we’re from Northern Ireland and we’re Catholic, for Christ’s sake!
Oh, my God, she’s right! What type of future will we have?
We don’t need to worry about the future, Erin. If we fail, well, our mas are gonna fucking wipe us out, and dead people don’t need jobs.
Oh, thank you, Michelle. that’s very reassuring!
How bad do you think is it? Do you think it’s, like, grounded bad, or…?
Run-away-from-home bad.
Exactly.
And if it is run-away-from-home-bad, I’m afraid I will need my snorkel back, James.
Okay, let’s not panic…
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Let’s just wait until tomorrow, and see what we’re dealing with.
Or…we can see what we’re dealing with tonight.
(hyperventilating) How?!
You said this was dicky, Michelle.
That was before the BBC Northern Ireland thing. This could be life-changing. You know, Pamela Anderson was just an ordinary girl at a football match when a roving camera stuck her on the big screen and then, boom.
Yeah, but she looks like Pamela Anderson.
Okay, James, it’s hard for you to see it because we’re related, but I’m a ride. I am a massive fucking ride.
Hey, guys. Not thinking of entering, are you?
We might be.
That’s cute.
So cute.
Oh, bring it on, bitches.
I think the best thing we could do is just to get the routine on its feet.
I agree.
I know we’re gonna smash this, girls. We are gonna lift that trophy. We are gonna perform live on the motherfucking BBC and we’re gonna wipe that smile off Jenny Joyce’s stupid face.
Yeah.
Let’s do it.
Hit it!
How many times do I have to fucking explain it? It is two steps forward, two steps back. It couldn’t be any fucking simpler. What the fuck is wrong with you all?!
You’re the one that’s out of time!
Say that again, James, and I will floor you. I will lay you out.
T think the first bit is pretty good.
The first bit’s shite, Erin. You look like you’re being electrocuted, and what the fuck do you think you’re doing, Clare, the Haka? (groans)
Fuck!
(Off-screen) Come on, Mary.
(Off-screen) I can’t, Gabriel.
(Off-screen) No one needs to find out.
(Off-screen) No, look, look, it’s not like I’m not flattered.
You call me when you change your mind.
When? You’re sure of yourself.
I know how to get what I want. (closing the door behind Mary Quinn)
Mary, I’ve got a bit of a vegetable situation going on here.
I’m coming!
It’s not my fault your choreography is pedestrian, Michelle.
Kiss my actual hole, Erin.
Look, I think we all just need to calm down.
Piss off, James!
Okay, that, is it? I’m going solo.
Oh, Christ, here we go.
Screwdriver.
Um, bell. Apron.
Fanny. Big fanny? Fanny pain.
The plumber was trying to get off with Erin’s ma! The plumber was trying to get off with Erin’s ma, and now I need to give all of my sponsorship money back.
We’re gonna need more details, Clare.
I saw them together in the hall. He was whispering things to her, you know, suggestive things.
My ma? He was coming onto my ma? What is he, some sort of reverse pedophile?
I bet Mary told him where to go.
Not exactly.
Couldn’t you speed up a wee bit?
No, I couldn’t!
Are we even moving?
I simply will not negotiate when it comes to road safety.
Please welcome to the stage, Erin, Orla, Clare, Michelle and James.
The act you’re going to perform for us tonight, well, they’re absolutely huge.
That’s right, Peter.
Matthew.
Matthew! Shit! I got it right in rehearsals, I just…
It doesn’t matter.
No, I fucked it.
Okay. Give us some clues, girls.
Well, Peter… They are English, but we still like them.
They’re also probably better known by their nicknames.
Which are? And I think this just might give it away now.
Ginger! Baby! Sporty! Scary and Posh!
Tonight, Matthew, we’re gonna be The Spice Girls!
Girl power!
(clears her throat)
Here we go.
Ah! Sister Michael. Hi.
Clare.
I wasn’t sure you saw me.
No, no, I did.
Right. (thinking for a moment) Heading to Portrush?
Yep.
Anything nice planned?
No.
Okay.
(talking to Conor on her phone) I just don’t see the point. Can we just move on? All right, Conor. The truth is, you never satisfied me sexually.
Oh, please no.
We had plans tonight.
We can turn our jeans into hot pants any day of the week. We’re talking about a free house here, Clare, a free house. We’re gonna be drinking, dancing and riding.
Quick question on the old riding front there.
Go on?
Who exactly will we be doing that with?
Young hot farmers. Donegal is coming down with them. Big strapping lads ripped to fuck from all the turf collecting.
Oh, don’t worry about me.
There’s actually quite a few lesbians as well, Clare.
Lesbian farmers? Really?
Lesbian farming is actually huge in the Republic. We’ll get you sorted, don’t worry.
What about me? Could we pick me up a girl?
Can we pick you up a girl?
Like she’s a thing?
(in the van) Yeah, that is so out of order, James.
I didn’t mean… I-I just thought…
Well, you thought wrong, James.
Sorry.
Get in the van. (exasperate sigh) Dirtbag.
Look, Mary. Are they for Mammy’s grave, Da?
Aye.
Ten years gone, would you believe it?
I don’t know why I bother. That Kitty O’Donnell next door, sue her plot’s like a jungle.
It is a disgrace.
If that useless bloody husband of hers doesn’t get his finger out soon, I’ll give it a going-over myself.
Daddy, how many times? You can’t strim the grave of another man’s wife. It’s inappropriate.
You could rear cattle in it, Sarah.
Ten years, and not a peep out of her.
Who?
Mammy.
Ten years, and nothing.
I don’t know what she’s playing at. There’s no excuse for it, love.
Her being dead is sort of an excuse. No?
She couldn’t give us a sign? She couldn’t rattle a teapot or something?
Mary Quinn: Bridget Gallagher was telling me she went to see this psychic.
No! You know the problems I have with my aura.
Your aura?
The last time I went to see a psychic, sure I was tortured. The spirits were coming at me left, right and center. This one lad, he was in the American Air Force. Well, would he give over about that plane going down? Jesus, he had me demented.
Even so, Sarah, wouldn’t you like to know that Mammy’s happy, that she’s at peace now?
I’d give anything to speak to her again.
Ach, Daddy.
Love to know what the hell she did with my good electric razor.
Arh! Where the hell are we?
I’ll ask this woman. (to Sheila) Excuse me? Sorry to bother you.
(speaking in Irish)
Jesus, is she having a stroke?
She is an Irish speaker, James.
Oh, why can’t everyone just speak English?
Well, your crowd had a good stab at forcing the entire world to, but we didn’t really enjoy it much, James. Imperialist prick!
Can anyone ask her where this place is?
Hmm, my Irish isn’t the best. I decided to keep on French and German, because I though it would give me more options if I wanted to, like, study abroad or whatever.
We’re not filling in your fucking UCAS from here, Clare.
(speaking in Irish)
What’s she saying?
(speaking panicky in Irish) (speaking warningly in Irish)
Just drive, James. Slan!
Slan!
Anything?
Broken vase. There was a window open in there. It must have blown off the shelf.
Oh, thank God.
We are such fannies.
Yeah. I mean, for a second there I thought it might actually… (screaming)
Jesus, Clare!
Stop, stop, stop. I’m sure there’s a reasonable explanation for this. It’s important we don’t let our imaginations run riot here.
I suppose he’s right to be nervous. About the boys’ school being here, I mean.
Why, Mary?
Tonight’s gonna be wild, Sarah!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Derry Girls pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
