Uncle ColmThere was a knock at the door, this must have been, ach, we’re talking eight, half eight, for I was halfway through me dinner. And up I got to open it, and there they both were, large as life. And the taller fella, though, to be fair, there was no more than an inch in it.
Uncle Colm
The slightly taller fella, he says to me, says he, “Do you know who we are?”
How’s a body supposed to enjoy his dinner?
Uncle Colm
And I says to him, says I, “Well, I can’t be sure now, but maybe if you took off the balaclavas.” And then he says to me, the slightly taller fella does, he says, “Step aside. We are armed.”
Uncle Colm
And that’s when the smaller fella, although, as I say, we are talking an inch…
Uncle Colm
…an inch and a half at most.
Uncle Colm
He has the bright idea of tying me to the radiator, you see. And I remember saying to myself, says I, “Colm, it’s a good job you have the Economy 7 on the old timer, or you’d be roasted here.”
Did you go for the Economy 7 in the end, Colm? I thought you said the hot water settings were a minefield?
For the love of God, Sarah, no diversions, please.
Aye, come on, let’s pick it up. They tied you to the heater.
Uncle Colm
They did indeed. And there I am, shackled to the thermostatic valve with me new shoelaces, when one of them, the smaller fella, or, hang on, maybe it was the--
Uncle Colm
Well, it was one of the two. He’s looking for the keys to the van, all ranting and raving and getting himself all worked up, threatening to set fire to my good chaise lounge and all sorts. By Jesus, they were absolutely desperate to borrow thon van.
Colm, they didn’t borrow your van. They stole your van, used it to move arms across the border, and then they blew it up.
Uncle Colm
Aye. Nightmare altogether.
Ach, this is lovely, Gerry.
I thought it’d be nice for us to do something together, just the two of us, you know?
(arriving to see them) Mary! Gerry! You’re not allowed to smoke in this place. Can you believe that? It’s barbaric.
Sarah, what are you doing here?
Mary said you were having a wee night to yourselves, so I thought you might want some company.
Why? W-why would you think that?
Himself as well, is it? Great(!)
CCiaran
Hiya, how are ye?
They don’t let you smoke in here, Ciaran. Can you credit it?
CCiaran
This is a nice surprise. When Sarah asked me to the cinema, I thought, well, I thought she meant just the two of us.
No, Ciaran, because that would be… What’s the word now? Normal.
CCiaran
Double date it is, then, so.
Wonder what’s keeping daddy. (She goes to see Granda Joe)
We haven’t decided what we want to see yet, Da!
Well, I liked the look of that one with all the lads in the line-up. It’s got your man in it, the farmer from glenroe.
CCiaran
He’s done a fair bit since glenroe now.
(to Ciaran) Who are you? His agent?
Da, I don’t understand this. You hate the cinema.
Not since I discovered it’s the only way I can spend time with our colm. It’s the one place the boring bastard doesn’t talk.
But colm’s not here, is he, Da? (Granda Joe doesn’t answer) Da?
Uncle Colm
And that’s not to say, now, that in my younger years, I didn’t enjoy a boiled sweet. But then I heard tell of a fella from Ballynahinch-- What was it his name was, now? I had it there a minute ago. Ach, it’ll come to me. Anyway, this Ballynahinch lad, and, as I say, his name escapes me, but he was mad keen on the boiled sweets. Sure he couldn’t get enough of them. But in the end, well, didn’t he choke to death on one? A pear drop, I think it was. Or a clove rock, maybe. But either way, it’s not how I’d want to go.
Uncle Colm
And now, I don’t mind a bit of a breeze – if anything, I prefer it – but thon was aggressive. So I says to myself, says I, “Colm, this is no day for a do.”
Uncle Colm
For when the bride arrived – and as I say, by this stage the wind was fierce –
Uncle Colm
I’ve never heard wind like it.
Uncle Colm
Howling like a banshee, it was.
Uncle Colm
So the poor girl, the bride now, this is, she arrives anyway, and isn’t she no sooner out of the car than she’s lifted up in the air like a paper doll, and blown into a flowerbed.
That’s actually quite funny.
Derry Girls · 94 quotes
