Wise up, Mammy! As if a polar bear’s going to rock up at a Take That concert!
OrlaHe wouldn’t get a ticket, for a start. They sold out months ago.
You’d be surprised, girls.
Aye, thon boys will get in where draughts wouldn’t.
Sure, the concert’s nowhere near the zoo.
But he’s not in the zoo anymore, is he, Simple Simon? He’s sauntering about Belfast without a care in the world.
What I’m saying is that it would be quite a lot of ground for him to cover.
They’re quick on their feet when they wanna be, love.
Orla
Someone might give him a lift.
Whose side are you on, Orla?
Come on, Mary. If you don’t let Erin go, then our mas won’t let us go.
Well, neither they should, and I’ll be ringing them to say as much.
Look, girls, I know how much you were looking forward to seeing This and That.
But there’ll be other concerts.
No there won’t. The fact that this one’s happening is a miracle. Nobody good ever comes here ‘cause we keep killing each other.
And now we’re overrun with polar bears.
Well, I’m not letting that fat furry fuck ruin the biggest day of my life.
Right. Listen, girls. I’ve never told anyone this before, but sometimes, when Robbie’s being interviewed, it’s like he’s sending me messages through the TV, you know, like, telepathically or whatever. It’s like he’s saying we’re meant to be together.
Aye, maybe don’t tell that to anyone again, Michelle. Ever.
Look, this is too important. I’m going to that concert. I’m not afraid of a fucking polar bear.
Orla
I’ll kill it with my own two hands if I have to.
Okay. We seem to have gone down a weird road here, people. I think we just got a bit confused. We don’t actually have to fight a polar bear. And if we did, I wouldn’t really fancy our chances because, well, they’re massive.
Orla
But there’s five of us so…
The point is the polar bear’s not the one stopping us going to the concert. It’s our mothers, and we’ll never get them to change their minds.
We’re not gonna try and change their minds. We’re gonna do something else.
We need a better plan, Michelle.
We cannot walk to Belfast.
How far could it be? Have you ever seen Northern Ireland on a map? It’s fucking tiny.
I have to say, I’m not overly keen on us being out in the open like this, just because of the whole there’s-a-polar-bear-on-the-loose-that-could-maul-us-to-death thing.
Orla
It can try.
Is it just me, or is that gypsy an absolute ride?
Michelle, you cannot say that.
They’re called travelers now. You can’t say “gypsy” anymore. It’s insulting.
They’re just people, James. They’re just people exactly like us.
Orla
Except different.
(gasps) That’s actually racist, Orla.
No, it’s not. They are different.
Well, they live in caravans, for a start.
Orla
I wish I lived in a caravan.
Aye, me too. Caravans are class.
Can everybody stop being so racist, please?
I’m a bit scared of them. Is that racist?
You’re such a wreck-the-buzz, Clare.
Look, Michelle, drugs are illegal, drugs are addictive, but perhaps most importantly, in this country, you can lose your kneecaps if you’re caught doing them, and I like my kneecaps, Michelle. They suit my knees.
Orla
You do have cracking kneecaps, Clare.
I just cannot believe it.
Listen, Mary. no matter what you’ve done, you’re still my sister. I’ll stand by you.
I haven’t done anything, Sarah.
Exactly, love. Everybody knows you didn’t mean to kill the old boot. God rest her soul.
You know what I mean. Not kill. Hex.
I didn’t hex her either, Da. It was just a very tragic--
My mother, she had the gift too, you know. By God, that woman could make her enemies drop like flies.
Look, I don’t have any gift. There’s no dark forces at play here. I just said something unfortunate that happened to--
Right, well, that’s the dishes done. Would you like another cup of tea there, Mammy?
I’ll just grab the Hoover, give the stairs a bit of a going over.
Orla
And I’ll maybe do a bit of dusting.
What’s gotten into you two. What are you up to? What do you want?
Nothing. We just thought that we should pull over weight a bit more, Mammy.
Orla
You do so much for us, Aunt Mary.
You deserve a bit of a break.
I can’t hex people, girls. It was an accident.
So, how’s the wicked witch of the northwest?
Who put 50p in the eejit?
God, how am I going to go to this wake?
It’ll be grand, love. But, listen, say if things do get heated, try not to rise to it. The last thing we want is another dead body on our hands here.
Clare What are we gonna do? What in under God are we gonna do?
It’s definitely not fine. There’s drug scones down there. If people eat the drug scones, then we’ve drugged those people, Michelle.
So? Drugging people isn’t a crime.
You’ve a very loose grasp of the law, Michelle.
What kind of person brings hash scones to a wake?
Typical. I try and do a nice thing, and this is the thanks I get.
It’s terrible. There’s old people down there. What if an old person takes one?
Why does everybody get so sentimental about old people? Old people are arseholes.
We have to get them back.
Look, I’m not disagreeing with you. I bought that stuff so I could get high, not your great uncle Colm.
Orla
Hold on a minute. Where did the scones go?
Okay, I’ll head for the kitchen and grab whatever’s still there. The rest of you look out for any ones that have gone rogue, and remember, be subtle.
I can’t believe we’re doing this. It’s fucking heartbreaking.
Look, Granda’s had one, and now he’s acting really, really weird.
You’re being paranoid, Erin.
Exactly! And if my ma starts asking questions…
Your ma won’t trace it back to us.
Are you for real? She traces everything back to us. She traces things we haven’t even done, back to us.
Are you sure this will work?
This is how you get rid of drugs, Clare. I’ve seen GoodFellas, like, 20 times.
Orla
That’s not the only way. I watched this film once about this girl who was trying to hide drugs, and what she did was, she shoved them right up her--
I’m not sticking a scone up my hole, Orla, I’ll tell you that for nothing.
Okay, I’m going to flush.
Jesus Christ! Why is the water rising, James?
I don’t know. The water didn’t rise in GoodFellas.
Orla
Who has a plunger?
I’m afraid I left the house without my plunger tonight, Orla.
Orla
Aye, me too. Nightmare, so it is.
There she is. Okay, so I say we just over there and be ourselves, girls. Well, not totally ourselves. We should definitely be a bit ourselves. We could also pretend we’re sort of better than we actually are, so, I suppose what I’m saying is we could present a version of ourselves as less --
Why do we even have to talk to her?
Because she’s new, Michelle!
Urgh! I hate people I don’t know.
And, in case you hadn’t noticed, she also happens to be Chinese. I mean, how class would it be to have a Chinese friend?!
Orla
We could keep her in my toy box.
Orla
Oh, she’d definitely fit.
Fine. But can we agree it’s on a strict one-in, one-out basis? If she joins the group, James has to leave.
MCMae Cheung
Is she all right?
MCMae Cheung
Right. Well, I’m from Donegal and we speak English there.
If you say so, Mae, but I spent the summer in Killybegs, and seriously? Not a fucking word.
We just wanted to introduce ourselves and --
MCMae Cheung
Okay, I think I see where this is going. I get this a lot. Dull white girls wanting me to join their gang because, well…
MCMae Cheung
Whoa. She has a really fucked-up accent.
MCMae Cheung
(sighs) What’s in this for me? What are you bringing to the table?
Orla
Cream crackers?
MCMae Cheung
I’m good for cream crackers, thank you. I’ll see you around, girls. (She is about to leave)
Orla
Maybe we don’t need a Chinese person. We’ve already got a lesbian.
MCMae Cheung
Really? You don’t look like a lesbian.
MCMae Cheung
Just that you’re a bit…short.
Well, there’s no height restrictions… as far as I’m aware.
MCMae Cheung
Interesting. I’ve always wanted a gay friend. I mean, ideally a fella.
I’m Jenny. This is Aisling. We just thought we’d introduce ourselves and see if…
Too late, Jenny. She’s ours.
I see. Look, these girls are great, but I do have a pen pal from the Caribbean, so, perhaps my circle is a little bit more diverse.
Think it over. Give me a call. Oh, and FYI, the prom queen vote closes today.
I see you’ve thrown your hat into the ring, Jenny.
I had my arm twisted, but feel free to tick my box.
This is a huge deal. This is a massive, massive deal. I’m going to the prom with John Paul O’Reily, for God’s sake. Oh, come on, Mammy.
I don’t care if you’re going to the prom with John Paul II, Erin. I’m not buying you another frock. End of story.
But, Mammy, you don’t understand.
There’s nothing wrong with your Easter dress.
There is lots of things wrong with my Easter dress.
I mean, it matches Orla’s.
Orla
Honestly, Erin, I think we’ll look so cracker if we both rock in wearing these.
Och, Mary, you’d think the wean’s been dropped into it. You wouldn’t nip in a bit for her? I’d do it myself but sewing plays havoc with my acrylics.
I really like this fella, Mammy.
Well, if he really likes you, it won’t matter what you wear.
Have you a date lined up, Orla?
Orla
I do, aye.
What? With, like, a human?
Orla
Yeah.
Not yet. And we sent that letter over a week ago.
Are you sure you got the address right?
Orla
Chelsea Clinton, the White House, America.
It just doesn’t make any sense.
Did you send it first class?
We’re not made of money, Michelle.
Look, Bill doesn’t even get here till four o’clock tomorrow.
“Bill?” Who are you? His Ma?
We’ve got plenty of time, is all I’m saying.
Do you know how packed that Guildhall Square is gonna be, James? You’d have to camp overnight just to get a glimpse of him.
Chelsea will sort us out.
Ach, I’m not even sure I trust Chelsea anymore.
Aye, Chelsea might be flaky.
Orla
She does have crafty eyes.
Okay, I’m not comfortable with the Chelsea-bashing, girls.
Is there some sort of a problem here, girls?
Not a problem, as such. More of a-a-a question, really.
You think I’m here to answer questions, do you? Who am I, Magnus fucking Magnusson?
He doesn’t answer questions, he asks them.
It’s just, it’s pink, white and purple, Dennis.
Well, it should be red, white and blue.
There’s also quite a few stars missing.
There’s only 30 stars here. I mean, there should be 50, just because the stars represent states, so…
Some states left America?
Orla
God, that’s desperate.
I don’t know, I just feel like if 20 states left the USA, we might have heard about it.
Ah, they didn’t want to make it into a big thing. So these are the new, modern, up-to-date flags. They’ve just brought them out.
Okay. It’s just, well, I’m not convinced that’s actually true.
Because you bought a fuckload of dud flags, and you’re trying to get rid of them.
(exiting the shop) What first attracted him to a career in retail, do you think?
They told us we were young, yet we understood the enormity of it. We understood what was at stake. Our fear was replaced with something altogether more terrifying… hope. Hope is so much worse. With hope you something to lose…
Oh, for fuck’s sake! What’s happened now?
Your TV is such a piece of crap.
No, it’s not. Your camera’s the problem.
My camera’s top of the range!
It’s true. His ma only sends him really expensive shit, you know, to make up for the fact that she doesn’t love him.
Oh, sorry, that came out wrong. I meant… Nope, can’t think of any other way to put that.
Orla
That actor there looks so familiar.
We’re gonna have to reshoot this footage.
Oh, come on, Michelle! These kids from Germany made a short film about the Berlin Wall, and it won as Oscar!
Aye, but they probably had, you know, talent. Look, we need to face the fact that we’ve spent the summer making something that’s really quite shite.
It’s not shit, Michelle! Well, the script might need a bit of work.
Do not start on the script again! The script is a masterpiece!
The script is boring, Erin. It doesn’t make any sense. What’s it even about?
Urgh, I am so fucking sick of peace! It’s all anyone ever bangs on about. Okay, I think we should just cut our losses, and make a couple of fake videos for “You’ve Been Framed.”
Orla
Oh, I can fall down three flights of stairs without even hurting myself!
How much longer are we gonna ignore the elephant in the room?
Orla
Where?
It’s tomorrow, girls. Tomorrow! Christ, I feel sick.
Why? You’re gonna walk it, Clare.
I know that! I’m not worried about me, I’m worried about you four. If you fail your GCSEs the school won’t take you back. I don’t wanna have to make new friends from scratch, I’ll have enough on my plate with the A-levels! I’m just praying you lot will scrape by!
Now, that is very considerate of you, Clare.
“Try to enjoy what time we have left.” It doesn’t even make any sense.
It means we’ve failed, Erin. It means no GCSEs, ergo no A-levels, ergo no university, ergo the end!
I knew I should have cut ties with you lot a long time ago.
Of course it’s your fault! You’ve dragged me down to your level, your stupidity has finally rubbed off of me. I was a scholar when I met you, Erin, a scholar!
I wouldn’t say our lives are over.
Passing those exams was our only chance. We’re girls, we’re poor, we’re from Northern Ireland and we’re Catholic, for Christ’s sake!
Oh, my God, she’s right! What type of future will we have?
We don’t need to worry about the future, Erin. If we fail, well, our mas are gonna fucking wipe us out, and dead people don’t need jobs.
Oh, thank you, Michelle. that’s very reassuring!
How bad do you think is it? Do you think it’s, like, grounded bad, or…?
Orla
And if it is run-away-from-home-bad, I’m afraid I will need my snorkel back, James.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Let’s just wait until tomorrow, and see what we’re dealing with.
Or…we can see what we’re dealing with tonight.
It’s not my fault your choreography is pedestrian, Michelle.
Kiss my actual hole, Erin.
Look, I think we all just need to calm down.
EMErin and Michelle
Piss off, James!
Orla
Okay, that, is it? I’m going solo.
Fanny. Big fanny? Fanny pain.
The plumber was trying to get off with Erin’s ma! The plumber was trying to get off with Erin’s ma, and now I need to give all of my sponsorship money back.
We’re gonna need more details, Clare.
I saw them together in the hall. He was whispering things to her, you know, suggestive things.
My ma? He was coming onto my ma? What is he, some sort of reverse pedophile?
I bet Mary told him where to go.
Derry Girls · 94 quotes
