Well, I’m not letting that fat furry fuck ruin the biggest day of my life.
Right. Listen, girls. I’ve never told anyone this before, but sometimes, when Robbie’s being interviewed, it’s like he’s sending me messages through the TV, you know, like, telepathically or whatever. It’s like he’s saying we’re meant to be together.
Aye, maybe don’t tell that to anyone again, Michelle. Ever.
Look, this is too important. I’m going to that concert. I’m not afraid of a fucking polar bear.
JamesNor me.
I’ll kill it with my own two hands if I have to.
Okay. We seem to have gone down a weird road here, people. I think we just got a bit confused. We don’t actually have to fight a polar bear. And if we did, I wouldn’t really fancy our chances because, well, they’re massive.
But there’s five of us so…
The point is the polar bear’s not the one stopping us going to the concert. It’s our mothers, and we’ll never get them to change their minds.
We’re not gonna try and change their minds. We’re gonna do something else.
James
What?
We need a better plan, Michelle.
We cannot walk to Belfast.
How far could it be? Have you ever seen Northern Ireland on a map? It’s fucking tiny.
I have to say, I’m not overly keen on us being out in the open like this, just because of the whole there’s-a-polar-bear-on-the-loose-that-could-maul-us-to-death thing.
Is it just me, or is that gypsy an absolute ride?
Michelle, you cannot say that.
They’re called travelers now. You can’t say “gypsy” anymore. It’s insulting.
James
Who are they?
They’re just people, James. They’re just people exactly like us.
(gasps) That’s actually racist, Orla.
No, it’s not. They are different.
Well, they live in caravans, for a start.
I wish I lived in a caravan.
Aye, me too. Caravans are class.
Can everybody stop being so racist, please?
James
I’m a bit scared of them. Is that racist?
You’re such a wreck-the-buzz, Clare.
Look, Michelle, drugs are illegal, drugs are addictive, but perhaps most importantly, in this country, you can lose your kneecaps if you’re caught doing them, and I like my kneecaps, Michelle. They suit my knees.
You do have cracking kneecaps, Clare.
James
Is that true?
Clare What are we gonna do? What in under God are we gonna do?
It’s definitely not fine. There’s drug scones down there. If people eat the drug scones, then we’ve drugged those people, Michelle.
So? Drugging people isn’t a crime.
James
You’ve a very loose grasp of the law, Michelle.
What kind of person brings hash scones to a wake?
Typical. I try and do a nice thing, and this is the thanks I get.
It’s terrible. There’s old people down there. What if an old person takes one?
Why does everybody get so sentimental about old people? Old people are arseholes.
We have to get them back.
Look, I’m not disagreeing with you. I bought that stuff so I could get high, not your great uncle Colm.
Hold on a minute. Where did the scones go?
Okay, I’ll head for the kitchen and grab whatever’s still there. The rest of you look out for any ones that have gone rogue, and remember, be subtle.
I can’t believe we’re doing this. It’s fucking heartbreaking.
Look, Granda’s had one, and now he’s acting really, really weird.
You’re being paranoid, Erin.
Exactly! And if my ma starts asking questions…
Your ma won’t trace it back to us.
Are you for real? She traces everything back to us. She traces things we haven’t even done, back to us.
Are you sure this will work?
James
This is how you get rid of drugs, Clare. I’ve seen GoodFellas, like, 20 times.
That’s not the only way. I watched this film once about this girl who was trying to hide drugs, and what she did was, she shoved them right up her--
I’m not sticking a scone up my hole, Orla, I’ll tell you that for nothing.
Okay, I’m going to flush.
James
Of course it’s working.
Jesus Christ! Why is the water rising, James?
James
I don’t know. The water didn’t rise in GoodFellas.
I’m afraid I left the house without my plunger tonight, Orla.
Aye, me too. Nightmare, so it is.
There she is. Okay, so I say we just over there and be ourselves, girls. Well, not totally ourselves. We should definitely be a bit ourselves. We could also pretend we’re sort of better than we actually are, so, I suppose what I’m saying is we could present a version of ourselves as less --
Why do we even have to talk to her?
Because she’s new, Michelle!
Urgh! I hate people I don’t know.
And, in case you hadn’t noticed, she also happens to be Chinese. I mean, how class would it be to have a Chinese friend?!
We could keep her in my toy box.
Oh, she’d definitely fit.
Fine. But can we agree it’s on a strict one-in, one-out basis? If she joins the group, James has to leave.
James
Excuse me?
MCMae Cheung
Is she all right?
MCMae Cheung
Right. Well, I’m from Donegal and we speak English there.
If you say so, Mae, but I spent the summer in Killybegs, and seriously? Not a fucking word.
We just wanted to introduce ourselves and --
MCMae Cheung
Okay, I think I see where this is going. I get this a lot. Dull white girls wanting me to join their gang because, well…
James
And I’m actually a boy.
MCMae Cheung
Whoa. She has a really fucked-up accent.
MCMae Cheung
(sighs) What’s in this for me? What are you bringing to the table?
MCMae Cheung
I’m good for cream crackers, thank you. I’ll see you around, girls. (She is about to leave)
Maybe we don’t need a Chinese person. We’ve already got a lesbian.
MCMae Cheung
Really? You don’t look like a lesbian.
MCMae Cheung
Just that you’re a bit…short.
Well, there’s no height restrictions… as far as I’m aware.
MCMae Cheung
Interesting. I’ve always wanted a gay friend. I mean, ideally a fella.
I’m Jenny. This is Aisling. We just thought we’d introduce ourselves and see if…
Too late, Jenny. She’s ours.
I see. Look, these girls are great, but I do have a pen pal from the Caribbean, so, perhaps my circle is a little bit more diverse.
Think it over. Give me a call. Oh, and FYI, the prom queen vote closes today.
I see you’ve thrown your hat into the ring, Jenny.
I had my arm twisted, but feel free to tick my box.
Well, this prom is going to be a full-blown dick-fest. You know, there isn’t even gonna be a DJ. Apparently, Jenny’s hired this fucking pensioner band.
I heard the drummer is at least 30.
James
I don’t feel so bad about missing it now. It clashes with my thing.
The creep convention? Seriously?
James
It’s not a creep convention.
Well, I think a load of perverts getting together to wank over some fella who fights with Hoovers and rides aliens in a telephone box, is the very fucking definition of a creep convention.
James
It's a Doctor Who night. Me and my stepdad used to watch it when I was little.
Well, someone should have called social services then, James.
You’re not going to the prom then, James. Well, I was gonna ask you to be my date.
James
I’m sorry, Clare.
You were gonna ask James to be your date? What the fuck’s wrong with you?
Well, it’s a bit more complicated for me.
You’re a lesbian, Clare, not desperate.
Right. I say we hit Primark first.
Yeah, well, we have about £17.50 between us, Mae, so, needs must.
It’s grand. I swiped my ma’s credit card. (She shows them her ma’s credit card)
James
Is that grand, or is that actually a criminal offense?
Look, we’ll just whack a couple of dresses on it, don’t take the labels off, wear them to prom, then return them the next day. The money will be back in her account as quick as it went out.
It’s totally grand, Clare. I do it all the time. You just have to make sure that you don’t, like, spill anything on it, or, like, sweat.
James
Look, Bill doesn’t even get here till four o’clock tomorrow.
“Bill?” Who are you? His Ma?
James
We’ve got plenty of time, is all I’m saying.
Do you know how packed that Guildhall Square is gonna be, James? You’d have to camp overnight just to get a glimpse of him.
Chelsea will sort us out.
Ach, I’m not even sure I trust Chelsea anymore.
Aye, Chelsea might be flaky.
She does have crafty eyes.
Okay, I’m not comfortable with the Chelsea-bashing, girls.
Is there some sort of a problem here, girls?
Not a problem, as such. More of a-a-a question, really.
You think I’m here to answer questions, do you? Who am I, Magnus fucking Magnusson?
James
He doesn’t answer questions, he asks them.
It’s just, it’s pink, white and purple, Dennis.
Well, it should be red, white and blue.
There’s also quite a few stars missing.
There’s only 30 stars here. I mean, there should be 50, just because the stars represent states, so…
Some states left America?
I don’t know, I just feel like if 20 states left the USA, we might have heard about it.
Ah, they didn’t want to make it into a big thing. So these are the new, modern, up-to-date flags. They’ve just brought them out.
Okay. It’s just, well, I’m not convinced that’s actually true.
Because you bought a fuckload of dud flags, and you’re trying to get rid of them.
(exiting the shop) What first attracted him to a career in retail, do you think?
James
Anyway, it’s not like I belong here. I never did.
That’s not true. You’re a Derry girl now, James.
James
Piss off.
I’m serious. It doesn’t matter that you’ve got that stupid accent, or that your bits are different to my bits, well, because being a Derry girl, well, it’s a fucking state of mind. And you’re one of us.
They told us we were young, yet we understood the enormity of it. We understood what was at stake. Our fear was replaced with something altogether more terrifying… hope. Hope is so much worse. With hope you something to lose…
Oh, for fuck’s sake! What’s happened now?
James
Your TV is such a piece of crap.
No, it’s not. Your camera’s the problem.
James
My camera’s top of the range!
It’s true. His ma only sends him really expensive shit, you know, to make up for the fact that she doesn’t love him.
James
Michelle!
Oh, sorry, that came out wrong. I meant… Nope, can’t think of any other way to put that.
That actor there looks so familiar.
James
We’re gonna have to reshoot this footage.
James
Oh, come on, Michelle! These kids from Germany made a short film about the Berlin Wall, and it won as Oscar!
Aye, but they probably had, you know, talent. Look, we need to face the fact that we’ve spent the summer making something that’s really quite shite.
James
It’s not shit, Michelle! Well, the script might need a bit of work.
Do not start on the script again! The script is a masterpiece!
The script is boring, Erin. It doesn’t make any sense. What’s it even about?
Urgh, I am so fucking sick of peace! It’s all anyone ever bangs on about. Okay, I think we should just cut our losses, and make a couple of fake videos for “You’ve Been Framed.”
Oh, I can fall down three flights of stairs without even hurting myself!
James
No!
How much longer are we gonna ignore the elephant in the room?
It’s tomorrow, girls. Tomorrow! Christ, I feel sick.
James
Why? You’re gonna walk it, Clare.
I know that! I’m not worried about me, I’m worried about you four. If you fail your GCSEs the school won’t take you back. I don’t wanna have to make new friends from scratch, I’ll have enough on my plate with the A-levels! I’m just praying you lot will scrape by!
Now, that is very considerate of you, Clare.
“Try to enjoy what time we have left.” It doesn’t even make any sense.
It means we’ve failed, Erin. It means no GCSEs, ergo no A-levels, ergo no university, ergo the end!
I knew I should have cut ties with you lot a long time ago.
Of course it’s your fault! You’ve dragged me down to your level, your stupidity has finally rubbed off of me. I was a scholar when I met you, Erin, a scholar!
I wouldn’t say our lives are over.
Passing those exams was our only chance. We’re girls, we’re poor, we’re from Northern Ireland and we’re Catholic, for Christ’s sake!
Oh, my God, she’s right! What type of future will we have?
We don’t need to worry about the future, Erin. If we fail, well, our mas are gonna fucking wipe us out, and dead people don’t need jobs.
Oh, thank you, Michelle. that’s very reassuring!
How bad do you think is it? Do you think it’s, like, grounded bad, or…?
And if it is run-away-from-home-bad, I’m afraid I will need my snorkel back, James.
James
Okay, let’s not panic…
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
James
Let’s just wait until tomorrow, and see what we’re dealing with.
Or…we can see what we’re dealing with tonight.
You said this was dicky, Michelle.
That was before the BBC Northern Ireland thing. This could be life-changing. You know, Pamela Anderson was just an ordinary girl at a football match when a roving camera stuck her on the big screen and then, boom.
James
Yeah, but she looks like Pamela Anderson.
Okay, James, it’s hard for you to see it because we’re related, but I’m a ride. I am a massive fucking ride.
Hey, guys. Not thinking of entering, are you?
Oh, bring it on, bitches.
Derry Girls · 94 quotes
