A character in Derry Girls
Played by Saoirse-Monica Jackson
Derry Girls · 94 quotes
Most-quoted character in Derry Girls: in 61 of its 94 quotes
Most scenes with: Michelle (39), Clare (38), James (35)
Well, well, well. What are you guys up to?
ErinNothing much.
We were just hanging out at Ms. De Brún’s house.
You were at her house? At night? Well, that’s a bit inappropriate.
Your ma is a bit inappropriate.
That doesn’t even make sense.
Your ma doesn’t even make sense.
Is she drunk?
Your ma’s drunk.
ErinWise up, Mammy! As if a polar bear’s going to rock up at a Take That concert!
He wouldn’t get a ticket, for a start. They sold out months ago.
You’d be surprised, girls.
Aye, thon boys will get in where draughts wouldn’t.
Sure, the concert’s nowhere near the zoo.
But he’s not in the zoo anymore, is he, Simple Simon? He’s sauntering about Belfast without a care in the world.
Aye, keep up, Gerry.
What I’m saying is that it would be quite a lot of ground for him to cover.
They’re quick on their feet when they wanna be, love.
Someone might give him a lift.
ErinWhose side are you on, Orla?
Come on, Mary. If you don’t let Erin go, then our mas won’t let us go.
Well, neither they should, and I’ll be ringing them to say as much.
Oh, brilliant!
I hate my life.
Look, girls, I know how much you were looking forward to seeing This and That.
ErinTake That.
But there’ll be other concerts.
ErinNo there won’t. The fact that this one’s happening is a miracle. Nobody good ever comes here ‘cause we keep killing each other.
And now we’re overrun with polar bears.
Where will it end?
ErinSeriously!
Well, I’m not letting that fat furry fuck ruin the biggest day of my life.
ErinWhat can we do?
Right. Listen, girls. I’ve never told anyone this before, but sometimes, when Robbie’s being interviewed, it’s like he’s sending me messages through the TV, you know, like, telepathically or whatever. It’s like he’s saying we’re meant to be together.
ErinAye, maybe don’t tell that to anyone again, Michelle. Ever.
Look, this is too important. I’m going to that concert. I’m not afraid of a fucking polar bear.
ErinMe neither!
Nor me.
Bastard!
I’ll kill it with my own two hands if I have to.
ErinBring it on!
Yes!
Okay. We seem to have gone down a weird road here, people. I think we just got a bit confused. We don’t actually have to fight a polar bear. And if we did, I wouldn’t really fancy our chances because, well, they’re massive.
But there’s five of us so…
The point is the polar bear’s not the one stopping us going to the concert. It’s our mothers, and we’ll never get them to change their minds.
We’re not gonna try and change their minds. We’re gonna do something else.
What?
Lie our holes off.
ErinWe need a better plan, Michelle.
This is a great plan.
ErinWe cannot walk to Belfast.
How far could it be? Have you ever seen Northern Ireland on a map? It’s fucking tiny.
I have to say, I’m not overly keen on us being out in the open like this, just because of the whole there’s-a-polar-bear-on-the-loose-that-could-maul-us-to-death thing.
It can try.
Is it just me, or is that gypsy an absolute ride?
ErinMichelle, you cannot say that.
What?
ErinThey’re called travelers now. You can’t say “gypsy” anymore. It’s insulting.
Is it.
Yes, yes it is.
Really?
Who are they?
ErinThey’re just people, James. They’re just people exactly like us.
Except different.
ErinYes. No.
(gasps) That’s actually racist, Orla.
No, it’s not. They are different.
ErinThey’re not.
Well, they live in caravans, for a start.
I wish I lived in a caravan.
Aye, me too. Caravans are class.
ErinCan everybody stop being so racist, please?
I’m a bit scared of them. Is that racist?
ErinYes.
Very much so.
Is gypsy even a race?
ErinTraveler.
We totally suit.
ErinHave you actually met them, Rita, Take That?
No, I can’t stand them, if I’m being honest, but their fans are so thick they’ll buy any old shite, present company included.
ErinI think you mean “excluded.”
No, no I don’t.
ErinI see.
Pop music isn’t really my thing, truth be told. It’s all so fucking soulless. Nah. I’m a classical head, all the way, but I’ve been banned from trading at Glyndebourne ever since I absolutely battered that Pavarotti fan, and when I say I battered, I mean intellectually like. I did kick the shit out of him as well. Pavo’s “La Boheme” is very muscular, but for purity of tone, you simply cannot fault Bocelli! I mean, listen to that, girls. Pass the can there.
ErinThe can of… oh, beer. I see.
ErinAlcoholic beer.
(taking a sip of a beer) Oh, that’s fucking beautiful.
ErinWhile driving. Okay. Fine. Good.
Mmm. What a fucking instrument. Glorious!
ErinAny idea what the speed limit is around here?
Robie?
Close your eyes, girls, and soak it up.
ErinSure, of course, but maybe you could soak it up with your eyes open and, you know, on the road.
You’re such a wreck-the-buzz, Clare.
Look, Michelle, drugs are illegal, drugs are addictive, but perhaps most importantly, in this country, you can lose your kneecaps if you’re caught doing them, and I like my kneecaps, Michelle. They suit my knees.
You do have cracking kneecaps, Clare.
Is that true?
ErinSort of.
I just cannot believe it.
Listen, Mary. no matter what you’ve done, you’re still my sister. I’ll stand by you.
I haven’t done anything, Sarah.
Exactly, love. Everybody knows you didn’t mean to kill the old boot. God rest her soul.
I didn’t kill her.
You know what I mean. Not kill. Hex.
I didn’t hex her either, Da. It was just a very tragic--
My mother, she had the gift too, you know. By God, that woman could make her enemies drop like flies.
Look, I don’t have any gift. There’s no dark forces at play here. I just said something unfortunate that happened to--
Cause her death?
Coincide with her death.
ErinRight, well, that’s the dishes done. Would you like another cup of tea there, Mammy?
No, I’m fine.
ErinI’ll just grab the Hoover, give the stairs a bit of a going over.
And I’ll maybe do a bit of dusting.
What’s gotten into you two. What are you up to? What do you want?
ErinNothing. We just thought that we should pull over weight a bit more, Mammy.
You do so much for us, Aunt Mary.
ErinYou deserve a bit of a break.
I can’t hex people, girls. It was an accident.
So, how’s the wicked witch of the northwest?
Who put 50p in the eejit?
God, how am I going to go to this wake?
It’ll be grand, love. But, listen, say if things do get heated, try not to rise to it. The last thing we want is another dead body on our hands here.
I’ll do my best, Da.
Clare What are we gonna do? What in under God are we gonna do?
It’s fine.
It’s definitely not fine. There’s drug scones down there. If people eat the drug scones, then we’ve drugged those people, Michelle.
So? Drugging people isn’t a crime.
You’ve a very loose grasp of the law, Michelle.
ErinWhat kind of person brings hash scones to a wake?
Typical. I try and do a nice thing, and this is the thanks I get.
It’s terrible. There’s old people down there. What if an old person takes one?
Why does everybody get so sentimental about old people? Old people are arseholes.
ErinWe have to get them back.
Look, I’m not disagreeing with you. I bought that stuff so I could get high, not your great uncle Colm.
ErinChrist, can you imagine?
Hold on a minute. Where did the scones go?
ErinOkay, I’ll head for the kitchen and grab whatever’s still there. The rest of you look out for any ones that have gone rogue, and remember, be subtle.
I can’t believe we’re doing this. It’s fucking heartbreaking.
ErinLook, Granda’s had one, and now he’s acting really, really weird.
You’re being paranoid, Erin.
ErinHe was nice to Daddy.
Jesus!
ErinExactly! And if my ma starts asking questions…
Your ma won’t trace it back to us.
ErinAre you for real? She traces everything back to us. She traces things we haven’t even done, back to us.
Are you sure this will work?
This is how you get rid of drugs, Clare. I’ve seen GoodFellas, like, 20 times.
That’s not the only way. I watched this film once about this girl who was trying to hide drugs, and what she did was, she shoved them right up her--
I’m not sticking a scone up my hole, Orla, I’ll tell you that for nothing.
Okay, I’m going to flush.
ErinGo for it.
ErinIs it working?
Of course it’s working.
Is the water rising?
ErinJesus Christ! Why is the water rising, James?
I don’t know. The water didn’t rise in GoodFellas.
Fuck! We’ve clogged it.
Who has a plunger?
ErinI’m afraid I left the house without my plunger tonight, Orla.
Aye, me too. Nightmare, so it is.
Oh, whoa!
There she is. Okay, so I say we just over there and be ourselves, girls. Well, not totally ourselves. We should definitely be a bit ourselves. We could also pretend we’re sort of better than we actually are, so, I suppose what I’m saying is we could present a version of ourselves as less --
ErinCrap.
Precisely.
Why do we even have to talk to her?
Because she’s new, Michelle!
Urgh! I hate people I don’t know.
And, in case you hadn’t noticed, she also happens to be Chinese. I mean, how class would it be to have a Chinese friend?!
We could keep her in my toy box.
ErinNo, we couldn’t, Orla.
Oh, she’d definitely fit.
ErinThat is not the point.
Fine. But can we agree it’s on a strict one-in, one-out basis? If she joins the group, James has to leave.
Course!
ErinAbsolutely.
Excuse me?
(greets Mae in Chinese)
Is she all right?
Burning for you, Clare.
I-It’s Cantonese.
Right. Well, I’m from Donegal and we speak English there.
If you say so, Mae, but I spent the summer in Killybegs, and seriously? Not a fucking word.
We just wanted to introduce ourselves and --
Okay, I think I see where this is going. I get this a lot. Dull white girls wanting me to join their gang because, well…
ErinWe’re not dull.
Sure.
And I’m actually a boy.
Whoa. She has a really fucked-up accent.
We know.
(sighs) What’s in this for me? What are you bringing to the table?
Cream crackers?
I’m good for cream crackers, thank you. I’ll see you around, girls. (She is about to leave)
Maybe we don’t need a Chinese person. We’ve already got a lesbian.
What? Who?
Me.
Really? You don’t look like a lesbian.
What do you mean?
Just that you’re a bit…short.
Well, there’s no height restrictions… as far as I’m aware.
Interesting. I’ve always wanted a gay friend. I mean, ideally a fella.
Howdy, folks!
Christ.
I’m Jenny. This is Aisling. We just thought we’d introduce ourselves and see if…
Too late, Jenny. She’s ours.
I see. Look, these girls are great, but I do have a pen pal from the Caribbean, so, perhaps my circle is a little bit more diverse.
Back. Off.
Think it over. Give me a call. Oh, and FYI, the prom queen vote closes today.
FY nobody gives a shit.
Here’s the wee ballot.
ErinI see you’ve thrown your hat into the ring, Jenny.
I had my arm twisted, but feel free to tick my box.
Dirty bitch.
Well, this prom is going to be a full-blown dick-fest. You know, there isn’t even gonna be a DJ. Apparently, Jenny’s hired this fucking pensioner band.
ErinChrist, really?
I heard the drummer is at least 30.
I don’t feel so bad about missing it now. It clashes with my thing.
The creep convention? Seriously?
It’s not a creep convention.
Well, I think a load of perverts getting together to wank over some fella who fights with Hoovers and rides aliens in a telephone box, is the very fucking definition of a creep convention.
It's a Doctor Who night. Me and my stepdad used to watch it when I was little.
Well, someone should have called social services then, James.
You’re not going to the prom then, James. Well, I was gonna ask you to be my date.
I’m sorry, Clare.
You were gonna ask James to be your date? What the fuck’s wrong with you?
Well, it’s a bit more complicated for me.
You’re a lesbian, Clare, not desperate.
ErinThis is a huge deal. This is a massive, massive deal. I’m going to the prom with John Paul O’Reily, for God’s sake. Oh, come on, Mammy.
I don’t care if you’re going to the prom with John Paul II, Erin. I’m not buying you another frock. End of story.
ErinBut, Mammy, you don’t understand.
There’s nothing wrong with your Easter dress.
ErinThere is lots of things wrong with my Easter dress.
I mean, it matches Orla’s.
ErinThat being the main one.
Honestly, Erin, I think we’ll look so cracker if we both rock in wearing these.
ErinRight. Well, I don’t.
Och, Mary, you’d think the wean’s been dropped into it. You wouldn’t nip in a bit for her? I’d do it myself but sewing plays havoc with my acrylics.
Fine.
ErinI really like this fella, Mammy.
Well, if he really likes you, it won’t matter what you wear.
ErinOch, come off it!
Have you a date lined up, Orla?
I do, aye.
ErinWhat? With, like, a human?
Yeah.
This document is an insult to the majority of people of Northern Ireland!
All right, Ian, we get the idea, like.
What are you futtering at?
The picture’s just gone a bit, sort of…
Dear Jesus!
You have to give it a bit of a shock now and again. (He hits the TV again) You have to keep it on its toes.
I’m not sure you do have to keep it on its toes, Joe. It’s a television.
Okay, okay, okay! I’m just going to turn it off and turn it on again. That usually does the trick. (He turns the TV off and on again) There we go. Hm? It doesn’t seem to be anything happening now.
This stupid prick’s broken the TV, Mary!
For God’s sake, Gerry.
He’s been futtering.
Excuse me. You’re the one that was thumping it repeatedly, Joe.
I’ll thump you repeatedly!
Well, the pair of you better sort it out. London’s Burning’s on in 20 minutes.
God, Mary, but them poor fellas are flat out with fires, so they are. Jesus, but they never get a minute.
Aye, it’s a good job they keep themselves in such great shape.
Aw, don’t, Mary. That Greek fella…
He could throw me over his shoulder any day of the week.
ErinBoke-o-rama.
ErinRight. I say we hit Primark first.
Classy.
ErinYeah, well, we have about £17.50 between us, Mae, so, needs must.
It’s grand. I swiped my ma’s credit card. (She shows them her ma’s credit card)
Is that grand, or is that actually a criminal offense?
Look, we’ll just whack a couple of dresses on it, don’t take the labels off, wear them to prom, then return them the next day. The money will be back in her account as quick as it went out.
No way, Jose.
It’s totally grand, Clare. I do it all the time. You just have to make sure that you don’t, like, spill anything on it, or, like, sweat.
Any word from Chelsea?
ErinNot yet. And we sent that letter over a week ago.
Are you sure you got the address right?
Chelsea Clinton, the White House, America.
It just doesn’t make any sense.
Did you send it first class?
ErinWe’re not made of money, Michelle.
MichelleJamie Lee O'Donnell · 46 quotes
ClareNicola Coughlan · 43 quotes
JamesDylan Llewellyn · 39 quotes
OrlaLouisa Harland · 34 quotes
Mary QuinnTara Lynne O'Neill · 25 quotes
Granda JoeIan McElhinney · 21 quotes
Gerry QuinnTommy Tiernan · 20 quotes
Aunt SarahKathy Kiera Clarke · 19 quotes
Sister MichaelSiobhán McSweeney · 14 quotes
Jenny JoyceLeah O'Rourke · 5 quotes
Father PeterArt Campion · 4 quotes
AislingBeccy Henderson · 3 quotes
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