ErinIt’s abuse. That’s what it is. It’s abusive. Does anybody have 10p? I’m ringing Childline.
You can’t ring Childline every time your ma threatens to kill you, Erin.
Yeah, you can’t waste Esther’s time like that.
And anyway, you’re not alone We’re all gonna fail. We’re all gonna get our holes kicked, and we’re all in the same boat.
I don’t wanna be in that boat! I wanna be in a different boat, sailing down a totally different river!
Guys, all we can do is try our best.
Ach, don’t be such a fruit, James!
Erin
Oh, my God! Look!
Erin
Doesn’t that dog look like Toto?
Oh, I suppose it does a bit, yeah.
Erin
Looks exactly like him. Here, boy! (running over to him) Come here, boy! Here, boy! Come here, boy! Here, boy! Come here! Here, boy! Here, boy!
Erin
It’s class, isn’t it?
Hmm. It’s much how I imagine.
Erin
Oh, because of my letters? Well, descriptive narrative has always been a strong point--
No, not your letters. I see on news.
Erin
What do you mean, you’ve seen on news? You don’t have news in the Ukraine. You don’t have televisions.
Erin
No, you don’t.
Erin
Really?
Erin, stop hogging the Russian.
Yeah, come on, Erin. Give Orla a go.
Erin
She’s Ukrainian, actually.
Yeah, go on, love. Say something to Katya.
You name sounds a bit like “cat”.
You don’t know a Jack McGinley, do you? Moved to Moscow, ‘88, ‘89, it would have been.
Erin
Seriously?
Curly hair, bit of a lisp.
I do not know this person.
Ah, maybe just as well, love. He’s an awful prick.
Erin
So, Katya, I’ve done a bit of an itinerary for your stay. You should have received a copy in my last letter.
I don’t read your letters, Erin.
Erin
I’m sorry? I don’t follow.
Erin
They’re boring.
Erin
That’s not what I--
Erin
No. No, you can’t. Mammy’s like a bloodhound.
Your ma said we could come up and have a look at the Russian.
Erin
Ukrainian.
Isn’t she cracker? She’s half mine.
Erin
No, she’s not, Orla.
Aye, she is. Mammy said so.
You’re so lucky, Erin. I begged my ma to let me have one, but she said we’ve no room now that my dickhead, ball-bag, English prick of a cousin’s moved in. Talking about you, James, in case you’re wondering.
Yeah, that much was clear. Thank you, Michelle.
Have you seen the one Jenny Joyce got, the fella? Massive, massive ride. I’ve been thinking. Maybe time for me to lose the rest of my virginity. And he’s definitely a contender. You help me. You put in good word with your Cossack friend. So we can… (makes squishing sounds)
Erin
Would you stop that?
I’m very sorry for all your trouble, you know, the whole hoo-ha at the power plant.
When you think about it, we’ve actually got a lot in common ‘cause we understand what it’s like to be a young person from a troubled place.
Hm, it is not the same. Chernobyl was terrible nuclear accident. You people like to fight each other, and, to be honest, no person really understands why.
Erin
Well, there’s actually a political element to it, Katya, and there’s a religious element.
But you’re not two different religions here. You’re different flavours of same religion, no?
Erin
Well, yes, but… It’s a little bit more complicated than that, Katya.
Oh, my God. It is stupid. It is so, so stupid.
Erin
Oh, that’s just James.
Is her English not great?
Erin
Why would she do that? Why?
Fuck knows. He’s minging.
She seems to be really enjoying it.
Erin
Is he enjoying it?
Well, if he’s not enjoying it, isn’t that sort of sexual harassment?
Erin
Yeah, we should put a stop to it.
Does anyone want a Fruit Pastille?
And when Erin finished reading me her poetry, she showed me some old walls.
Erin
I showed you “the walls”. I showed you the city walls, and they are nothing short of spectacular.
Ach, if she’s not into walls, she’s not into walls, Erin, love.
Right. Shay Harkham was telling me you were in Duggan’s Bakery yesterday lunchtime.
Well, that’s hardly news.
Two buns he says you ordered.
An apple turnover… and a cream horn.
Erin
That’s not like you, Granda.
Sure, you couldn’t pay you to eat a cream horn.
Cream finger, it was. Apple turnover and a cream finger.
Horns, fingers. Who cares?
He swore on it. Said he saw it being bagged up.
And Big Shay has eyes like a hawk, so he does.
Shay said when you left Duggan’s, you turned up Pump Street.
Pump Street? Who do you know on Pump Street, Da?
What were you doing heading up Pump Street with a cream horn, Da?
I was visiting a friend of mine.
A male friend, was it? Aye, I thought as much. Buying cream horns for his fancy woman. Sarah, what do you think of that?
We met at the Stations of the Cross.
Erin
What station?
Jesus falls for the second time.
I could do without the details, Da.
Maeve and me, we… We just get on well, that’s all.
Maeve? That’s her name, is it?
Maeve. That’s what she’s called, is she?
Maeve. Maeve. Really? Maeve?
Why does your mother make that sound?
I think it’s a good thing, love.
Just keep out of it, you!
And that’s who you were winking at in mass?
Winking? At your age? Christ, I feel sick.
It was only a friendly wink.
There is no such thing as a friendly wink!
Our poor mother is barely cold, and you’re straight back out there, winking away.
Your mother’s been dead ten years, Mary.
Look, I’ll not tell you again!
I’m sorry. I seem to have lost my appetite. (she leaves)
Erin
Who’s Clive?
Clive. Clive is a wee Prod from East Belfast. Clive came back from Ibiza, got on the wrong bus at Aldergrove Airport, then fell asleep. Clive woke up in Derry, surrounded by Russians and Fenians. Clive is absolutely shitting himself.
Erin
So where's the real Artem?
Giant’s Causeway, probably. Foreigners fucking love the Giant’s Causeway.
JJim
Now, once your tent is erect, you’ll want to think about where to safely store your food, because believe me, girls, you do not want to attract predatory animals into your sleeping area. Bears are particularly vicious.
Erin
Yeah, I’m not sure how many bears there are in Portnoo, though, Jim.
But there was a cheetah on the beach one time.
Erin
That was a greyhound, Orla.
I’ve just received a phone call from Louise Kerr’s mother, and it’s not looking great.
Oh, God, I just can’t believe it.
It’s unlikely she’ll be returning to school before the end of the year, so I think the only thing we can do now is --
No. What use would that do? No, I think the best thing we can do is decide who will fulfil the role of editor now.
Sister Michael, some of us have actually already discussed this eventuality, and the thing is, well, nobody is comfortable stepping into Louise’s shoes.
It feels a bit, sort of, disrespectful.
We think this issue should be cancelled.
Well, fair enough, if nobody is willing to take her place.
Erin
I’ll do it.
Erin
I’ll take her place. I’ll step into her shoes. I’ll do it.
Erin
Absolutely.
No, you can’t. We are making a statement. You’re ruining our statement!
Erin
Look, girls, I know Louise meant a lot to you all.
Erin
Well, not yet. Hopefully she won’t, you know, die, but if she does, the show must go on! Isn’t that right, Sister Michael?
You’ve never even written an article, Erin.
Erin
That’s because I can’t get anything past Rupert Murdoch over there!
This isn’t fair. You can’t let it happen, Sister!
I know. But I’m bored now, so it looks like I probably will. Good luck, all.
Erin
That summer was a remarkable one. It was the summer we dared to dream. For generations, we’d known nothing but violence. Nothing but hatred. But finally we were saying, “Enough is enough.” Finally, we were saying, “Let’s give peace a chance.”
Erin
Jesus Christ!
She’s pretending she’s on Parkinson again.
(Off-screen) Parkinson? Does she know what time it is? I’ll Parkinson her. I’ve enough on my plate without Parkinson.
Erin
Close the door! (But Orla comes in and closes the door) No, Orla. Leave, then close the door.
Erin
And it was Wogan, for your information!
We’re doing it for peace, all right, Mary. A piece of that fine Protestant ass!
God, you are such a hypocrite, Erin.
Erin
No, I’m not. I just don’t think there’s anything wrong with some cross-community… Fiddling…relations.
So, we need to head south-east for 0.5 Miles and you’ll receive further instructions shortly.
We haven’t even left the estate yet, Orla. These Prods have some serious moves up their sleeves, you know. They’re not as fucked up about sex as we are. They’ve put the work in, they know what they’re doing.
They’re people, Michelle! They’re not sex toys!
I’m really looking forward to making friends with some lads.
Lads aren’t going to make friends with you, James. Lads make friends with other lads.
Erin
Aye, so you are, James.
Okay, how much money do we have?
Look, the riding of the Protestants is one thing, but I really don’t see why we have to buy them a present. I mean they already have all the land, all the jobs and all the fucking rights.
Erin
Aye, Michelle, that’s definitely the attitude we should have entering into this weekend.
A present for Protestants. Ah, now my next Protestant gift delivery isn’t due to arrive until Wednesday. And as it stands, I’m completely out of stock, what with there being such a high fucking demand for that sort of thing around these parts.
How much for the Subbuteo, Dennis?
Erin
How about we give you the £1.76 and we pay the rest off in installments?
Yeah. Which would be what? £3.56 over four weeks?
Jesus, check out Rain Wean.
Erin
Or, you could give us the Subbuteo, and then we could work off the debt.
Yeah, we could do chores and stuff.
Chores? What do you think this is? Little House on the fucking Prairie?
Do you watch Little House on the Prairie, Dennis?
PBProtestant Boy
She’s coming!
PBProtestant Boy
The woman. The small angry penguin woman.
Erin
Oh, good evening, Sister. We just popped round because we had a few questions about the British Empire, which the boys have cleared up for us now, so…
They weren’t talking about the British Empire, Sister. They were having a party. I could hear the music.
You will go far in life, Jenny. But you will not be well liked.
Erin
Ms. De Brún is amazing. I’ve just never met anyone like her.
She really knows how to grab things by the balls.
Erin
She’s changed my life, she really has.
Erin
I think I would too, you know.
Yeah. I mean, obviously I totally agree. I’d die for her as well, but I’m also conscious of the fact we’ve only know her, like, two days.
Erin
And?
Well, is it a bit weird she’s invited us to her house at night?
Erin
What do you mean?
Erin
She’s much more than a teacher.
Yeah. No, obviously I get that. She’s great, but it’s just that I have a feeling it might be sort of frowned upon.
Erin
God, Clare, you’re so conditioned.
What’s that supposed to mean?
It means you need to loosen the fuck up.
I am loose, thank you very much.
Face it, Clare, you’re a craic killer.
I’m not a craic killer. I AM NOT A CRAIC KILLER!
Derry Girls · 94 quotes
