Look, Bill doesn’t even get here till four o’clock tomorrow.
“Bill?” Who are you? His Ma?
We’ve got plenty of time, is all I’m saying.
Do you know how packed that Guildhall Square is gonna be, James? You’d have to camp overnight just to get a glimpse of him.
ErinChelsea will sort us out.
Ach, I’m not even sure I trust Chelsea anymore.
Aye, Chelsea might be flaky.
She does have crafty eyes.
Erin
Okay, I’m not comfortable with the Chelsea-bashing, girls.
Is there some sort of a problem here, girls?
Not a problem, as such. More of a-a-a question, really.
You think I’m here to answer questions, do you? Who am I, Magnus fucking Magnusson?
He doesn’t answer questions, he asks them.
Erin
It’s just, it’s pink, white and purple, Dennis.
Erin
Well, it should be red, white and blue.
There’s also quite a few stars missing.
There’s only 30 stars here. I mean, there should be 50, just because the stars represent states, so…
Erin
Some states left?
Erin
Some states left America?
Erin
I don’t know, I just feel like if 20 states left the USA, we might have heard about it.
Ah, they didn’t want to make it into a big thing. So these are the new, modern, up-to-date flags. They’ve just brought them out.
Erin
Okay. It’s just, well, I’m not convinced that’s actually true.
Because you bought a fuckload of dud flags, and you’re trying to get rid of them.
Erin
(exiting the shop) What first attracted him to a career in retail, do you think?
Erin
They told us we were young, yet we understood the enormity of it. We understood what was at stake. Our fear was replaced with something altogether more terrifying… hope. Hope is so much worse. With hope you something to lose…
Oh, for fuck’s sake! What’s happened now?
Your TV is such a piece of crap.
Erin
No, it’s not. Your camera’s the problem.
My camera’s top of the range!
It’s true. His ma only sends him really expensive shit, you know, to make up for the fact that she doesn’t love him.
Oh, sorry, that came out wrong. I meant… Nope, can’t think of any other way to put that.
That actor there looks so familiar.
Erin
That’s you, Orla.
We’re gonna have to reshoot this footage.
Oh, come on, Michelle! These kids from Germany made a short film about the Berlin Wall, and it won as Oscar!
Aye, but they probably had, you know, talent. Look, we need to face the fact that we’ve spent the summer making something that’s really quite shite.
It’s not shit, Michelle! Well, the script might need a bit of work.
Erin
Do not start on the script again! The script is a masterpiece!
The script is boring, Erin. It doesn’t make any sense. What’s it even about?
Erin
Peace!
Urgh, I am so fucking sick of peace! It’s all anyone ever bangs on about. Okay, I think we should just cut our losses, and make a couple of fake videos for “You’ve Been Framed.”
Oh, I can fall down three flights of stairs without even hurting myself!
Erin
Yeah.
How much longer are we gonna ignore the elephant in the room?
It’s tomorrow, girls. Tomorrow! Christ, I feel sick.
Why? You’re gonna walk it, Clare.
I know that! I’m not worried about me, I’m worried about you four. If you fail your GCSEs the school won’t take you back. I don’t wanna have to make new friends from scratch, I’ll have enough on my plate with the A-levels! I’m just praying you lot will scrape by!
Erin
Now, that is very considerate of you, Clare.
Erin
“Try to enjoy what time we have left.” It doesn’t even make any sense.
It means we’ve failed, Erin. It means no GCSEs, ergo no A-levels, ergo no university, ergo the end!
Erin
You’re overreacting.
I knew I should have cut ties with you lot a long time ago.
Erin
It’s not our fault!
Of course it’s your fault! You’ve dragged me down to your level, your stupidity has finally rubbed off of me. I was a scholar when I met you, Erin, a scholar!
Erin
You were three!
Erin
I wouldn’t say our lives are over.
Passing those exams was our only chance. We’re girls, we’re poor, we’re from Northern Ireland and we’re Catholic, for Christ’s sake!
Erin
Oh, my God, she’s right! What type of future will we have?
We don’t need to worry about the future, Erin. If we fail, well, our mas are gonna fucking wipe us out, and dead people don’t need jobs.
Oh, thank you, Michelle. that’s very reassuring!
Erin
How bad do you think is it? Do you think it’s, like, grounded bad, or…?
Erin
Exactly.
And if it is run-away-from-home-bad, I’m afraid I will need my snorkel back, James.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Let’s just wait until tomorrow, and see what we’re dealing with.
Or…we can see what we’re dealing with tonight.
Erin
You said this was dicky, Michelle.
That was before the BBC Northern Ireland thing. This could be life-changing. You know, Pamela Anderson was just an ordinary girl at a football match when a roving camera stuck her on the big screen and then, boom.
Yeah, but she looks like Pamela Anderson.
Okay, James, it’s hard for you to see it because we’re related, but I’m a ride. I am a massive fucking ride.
Hey, guys. Not thinking of entering, are you?
Erin
Oh, bring it on, bitches.
I think the best thing we could do is just to get the routine on its feet.
Erin
I agree.
I know we’re gonna smash this, girls. We are gonna lift that trophy. We are gonna perform live on the motherfucking BBC and we’re gonna wipe that smile off Jenny Joyce’s stupid face.
Erin
Yeah.
How many times do I have to fucking explain it? It is two steps forward, two steps back. It couldn’t be any fucking simpler. What the fuck is wrong with you all?!
You’re the one that’s out of time!
Say that again, James, and I will floor you. I will lay you out.
Erin
T think the first bit is pretty good.
The first bit’s shite, Erin. You look like you’re being electrocuted, and what the fuck do you think you’re doing, Clare, the Haka? (groans)
Erin
It’s not my fault your choreography is pedestrian, Michelle.
Kiss my actual hole, Erin.
Look, I think we all just need to calm down.
EMErin and Michelle
Piss off, James!
Okay, that, is it? I’m going solo.
Erin
Screwdriver.
Fanny. Big fanny? Fanny pain.
The plumber was trying to get off with Erin’s ma! The plumber was trying to get off with Erin’s ma, and now I need to give all of my sponsorship money back.
We’re gonna need more details, Clare.
I saw them together in the hall. He was whispering things to her, you know, suggestive things.
Erin
My ma? He was coming onto my ma? What is he, some sort of reverse pedophile?
I bet Mary told him where to go.
Please welcome to the stage, Erin, Orla, Clare, Michelle and James.
The act you’re going to perform for us tonight, well, they’re absolutely huge.
Matthew! Shit! I got it right in rehearsals, I just…
Okay. Give us some clues, girls.
Well, Peter… They are English, but we still like them.
They’re also probably better known by their nicknames.
Which are? And I think this just might give it away now.
Erin
Ginger! Baby! Sporty! Scary and Posh!
AAll
Tonight, Matthew, we’re gonna be The Spice Girls!
We can turn our jeans into hot pants any day of the week. We’re talking about a free house here, Clare, a free house. We’re gonna be drinking, dancing and riding.
Erin
Quick question on the old riding front there.
Erin
Who exactly will we be doing that with?
Young hot farmers. Donegal is coming down with them. Big strapping lads ripped to fuck from all the turf collecting.
Oh, don’t worry about me.
There’s actually quite a few lesbians as well, Clare.
Lesbian farming is actually huge in the Republic. We’ll get you sorted, don’t worry.
What about me? Could we pick me up a girl?
Can we pick you up a girl?
Erin
Like she’s a thing?
(in the van) Yeah, that is so out of order, James.
I didn’t mean… I-I just thought…
Well, you thought wrong, James.
Get in the van. (exasperate sigh) Dirtbag.
Arh! Where the hell are we?
I’ll ask this woman. (to Sheila) Excuse me? Sorry to bother you.
SSheila
(speaking in Irish)
Jesus, is she having a stroke?
Erin
She is an Irish speaker, James.
Oh, why can’t everyone just speak English?
Well, your crowd had a good stab at forcing the entire world to, but we didn’t really enjoy it much, James. Imperialist prick!
Can anyone ask her where this place is?
Hmm, my Irish isn’t the best. I decided to keep on French and German, because I though it would give me more options if I wanted to, like, study abroad or whatever.
We’re not filling in your fucking UCAS from here, Clare.
SSheila
(speaking in Irish)
SSheila
(speaking panicky in Irish) (speaking warningly in Irish)
Erin
Slan!
Erin
Broken vase. There was a window open in there. It must have blown off the shelf.
Yeah. I mean, for a second there I thought it might actually… (screaming)
Erin
Jesus, Clare!
Stop, stop, stop. I’m sure there’s a reasonable explanation for this. It’s important we don’t let our imaginations run riot here.
What are you supposed to be? Swans?
Erin
We’re not swans?
Angels don’t use crutches.
You’re a swan expert now, are you?
Yeah, that’s precisely what I said.
God love you, son. Imagine beating you up just cause you like Slimboy Fat.
Yeah, I still can’t quite believe it myself, actually.
Ah, I love his wee toy car.
What was the face all about?
Erin
What face?
Earlier, when Dennis was talking about Niall you did a face.
Erin
I didn’t do a face.
You did a face Erin. You did a face like this.
Erin
I…would never do that face. I couldn’t do that face. That face isn’t even in my repertoire.
Oh, it’s in your repertoire alright, I’ve seen you whip it out over a dozen times, usually when you find something hard to believe. What was hard to believe Erin?
Erin
It was just when you said that you didn’t want to get your hopes up.
Erin
You don’t actually think he should get out do you?
Erin
He killed someone.
I’m not sure we should be talking about this.
Erin
Isn’t this exactly what we should be talking about? I mean we have to vote on it.
It wasn’t supposed to happen the way it did.
Erin
I’m sure that poor man’s family takes great comfort in that.
These things, they’re not black and white Erin.
Erin
Aren’t they?
Nothing about this place is!
Erin
Well I think the fact that you shouldn’t kill people is pretty black and white!
Awkward, awkward, awkward, oh God it’s so awkward.
Fuck off Erin. And what would you know anyway, you’re nothing but a spoiled, selfish, sheltered wee brat.
Derry Girls · 94 quotes
