Helen Morgendorffer quotes from Daria

Shouldn't we comfort her or something?

[laughs] Oh, let her go.

Helen

She'll get over it.

We should at least tell her about that eight-lane highway they built outside the house during the night.

Hmm... you may be right.

[cars collide outside]

Helen

That can't be good.

[more cars collide]

Ow! God!

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Trent

[answering the phone] Hello? No, Daria's not here. You want the Morgendorffers.

Gah! Aah! I am the Morgendorffers!

Helen

[takes the phone from Jake] Calm down, Jake! Hello? Trent? You haven't seen the girls?...Are your parents there?...Are they in town at all?...Have you done anything to prepare for this hurricane?...Yes, hurricane! Trent, I want you to come over and wait for the girls here. You'll be safer...Then put some on! And get over here now, young man! [hangs up] Doesn't anybody in this town wear pants anymore?

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You know, Quinn. It's been kind of nice having you around so much lately.

Helen

It has been nice. Very nice.

[feels upset] Nice?! It's been the most boring, worst time in my entire life! Go ahead and have your stupid baby! I can't take this anymore!

You're pregnant?!

Helen

Of course not.

We can't have another kid, Helen!

Helen

Well, I'm not pregnant. And that's not a very nice thing to say, by the way.

[Helen and Jake begin to argue]

[comes in] Hey, what's going on?

[angrily] Absolutely nothing, and I am sick of it! I can't continue to live my life like some kind of monk in a nunnery! [leaves angrily]

Actually...

Well, don't blame me!

Helen

Oh, oh, and you want to blame me!

Get off my back, Helen! Leave me the hell alone!

God bless us, everyone

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Mrs. Morgendorffer? This is Jane, Daria's friend.

Helen

Jane, do you need an attorney? I don't do criminal work but I'll get you someone. Don't say anything to anyone until we get over there.

No, no. I'm looking for Daria.

[split-screen between Jane and Helen]

Helen

Daria? Why are you calling here?

She told me she was going to talk to you about the way they're treating her at work.

Helen

Really?

They probably haven't let her off yet. I bet she's still in the back room, bagging nuts.

Helen

What?! In the back room? How is she going to improve her social skills there?

Yeah, that's the thing. She's the senior employee at the nut stand, and the most qualified, but for some reason her male co-worker is the one they've got behind the counter.

Helen

What?! I knew I shouldn't have trusted one of Jake's sleazy contacts. [groans in frustration]

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Helen

Jane, since you're staying with us and all I thought... well, you're Daria's best friend, and she's, she's so hard to talk to these days...

Maximum of 3 questions. No betrayals. Immunity from prosecution.

Helen

Agreed. Drugs?

Nope. Unless you count TV.

Helen

Depressed?

No, just realistic.

Helen

Sex? Oh, that's too obvious. Can I have another one?

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Helen

[into phone] Well, actually, Eric, would you mind if we wrapped this up tomorrow? Oh, no, that's okay, no, fine. It's just that my family was just... no. Yes, sure, of course. Not at all. Anytime -- never!

Nothing like Taco Tuesday, eh, girls?

If I recall correctly, Taco Thursday was pretty similar.

I was on the radio today. Bing and the Spatula Man invited the Fashion Club to critique the outfits of some less stylish students.

Marconi would be so proud.

That Spatula Man is funny!

As are most men named for kitchen utensils.

Helen, you're going to miss out on all the guacamole! [taunting] Mom's going to miss the guacamole, Mom's going to miss the guacamole...

Helen

Enough with the guacamole! [into phone] No, not you, Eric!

I think Bing has a crush on me. Daddy! You're using all the cheese!

[starts blushing and sweating] "What did the doctor tell you about cheese, Jake? What did the doctor tell you about cheese, Jake?" Why can't a man come home from a hard day's work and enjoy a lousy taco without it turning into...hey, you know, it's the darndest thing! I can't feel my arm! [starts wheezing]

Dad?

Blurk! [passes out in the guacamole]

Daddy?

[picks his head up from the bowl] Mom's...gonna miss...the guacamole... [passes out again]

Helen

[turns around, drops phone] Jakey!

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[shrieks] The bats of death! They've come for me!

Don't worry, Dad. It's just the bats of bad TV.

Helen

Oh, Jakey! I promise, the girls and I will take good care of you from now on.

What's the catch?

Helen

There's no catch, Jake. That's just your medication talking.

Assuming he's on any medication.

Helen

This book will tell us what we need to do now that we have a heart attack survivor in the family.

And guess what, Daddy? I'm going to study to be a doctor!

Hey, that's great.

Dr. Quinn, medicine moron.

A heart doctor. If Dad died I would've been freaked out for, like, years.

That's the spirit, sweetie. Avenge my death.

You're not dying, dad.

Avenge me!

Helen

Jake, you're going to give yourself a... never mind. Honey, is there anything we can get for you?

Yipe! [EKG machine beeps] I want my mommy.

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So... now that Sandi's been dumped, she won't dare bring up Marco. [Daria and Jane fall asleep on Quinn's shoulders] EWW! GEET OFF ME! [pushes them away]

Helen

Not now, Quinn. I'm talking to your father. You just had to interfere.

Oh, yeah? Well, none of this would've happened if you hadn't left me with that... that nympho!

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Come on, Daria. If you don't like any of those other projects, all we're left with is taking out a small-business loan, renting an apartment, or budgeting a funeral.

[Quinn enters living room holding cordless phone]

Um, that's sweet of you, Russell, but we just went out two weeks ago, so I really can't go out with you again for another three weeks. Well, I consider a hospital visit a date. Sorry. Anyway, good luck with the new kidney and all. Bye. [exits living room]

Is that by any chance a sibling's funeral?

Why don't we try the loan? I do want to start my own business after college.

[Jake enters living room holding cellular phone]

Come on, Mel, give me another shot. We'll have them lining up to buy methane-powered hot tubs. Hey, how about this catchphrase: "So it smells? So what!" [pause] Come on, Mel, they're going to repossess my parking space! [exits living room]

Yes, let's start a business. Nothing like being your own boss.

What should we call our company?

"Brink of Bankruptcy, Incorporated"?

[Helen enters living room holding cellular phone]

Helen

No, no, absolutely not! It's unethical, it's immoral, it may well be illegal. I'll have no part of it. Okay, I'll do it. [exits living room]

It's a little busy in here. You want to take a break and get some pizza?

Can I put it on my Millennium Project Enterprises expense report?

[Jodie sighs and rolls her eyes]

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Yeah? [Helen enters] No, I don't want to talk about it.

Helen

Talk about what?

Whatever it is you came in to have a heart to heart about.

Helen

I came in to ask you to rinse off your dishes before you put them in the dishwasher. Your father found a cheese fry melted onto his "World's Greatest Dad" cup and he thought it was some kind of rodent. Now he's sworn off coffee.

Then I should be hearing from the Nobel committee any day now.

Helen

All right, then, I'll leave you to your reading. [starts to leave]

Don't I seem inordinately unhappy to you?

Helen

I don't want to pry. [sees look on Daria's face] Well... I did overhear your argument with Jodie.

Do you think I'm a rigid, unrealistic, unforgiving self-righteous jerk who can't hold on to a friend?

Helen

She didn't say anything like that.

But, do you?

Helen

Daria, you have strong beliefs and you want to live by them. That's not a fault or a character flaw. It's admirable; it's what makes you who you are.

Jodie didn't think so.

Helen

Jodie is a little more pragmatic than you are. She didn't appreciate being criticized for it.

I don't blame her.

Helen

And since she's pragmatic, she also knows that the fact that someone's having a bad day doesn't make them a bad person.

What about someone with a pattern of alienating people with her self-righteous pronouncements?

Helen

People aren't as easily alienated as you think, Daria. Ask Jane. She'll tell you.

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Helen

Alright, Daria, name your price.

Excuse me? My refusal to attend this field trip is based on moral and ethical objections so intrinsic...

Helen

$30.

$50.

Helen

Done.

Of course, this $50 merely buys my participation in the field trip. For an additional $20, I could be convinced not to tell Quinn about this arrangement.

Helen

I gave you life, Daria; I can take it away. [leaves]

[resigned voice] $50 should do it.

King Tut was buried without his diver. What the hell does that mean?!

That's liver, Dad.

Eww...

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Daria, have you seen my new "Teenage Superstars" magazine?

I couldn't help myself. I plastered my walls with its hot sexy pinups.

[pause] I'll ask mom.

Helen

Daria, have you seen your father?

Did you look under the "Teenage Superstars" magazine?

Helen

[pause] I'll ask Quinn.

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Helen

You know, honey, you could really turn this change of plans into something very positive.

You're not getting out of the golf clubs, Helen.

Helen

I mean, this trip is a chance to really get to know your daughter as a person. Her hopes, her dreams, her fears.

Ah, Helen, do I have to?

Helen

Jake!

But I'm scared.

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[Just as Quinn leaves, the light fixture falls from the ceiling onto the chair; Quinn looks on in shock]

Dammit, my fixture!

Helen

Oh, Quinn! That just missed you!

I mean, yeah! Are you all right, sweetie?

Oh my gosh! If I hadn't gotten up at just that second, that would've hit my head.

Or, something vital.

Someone, or something, told me to get out of that chair. Don't you see? This is proof that I have a guardian angel.

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[goes in the kitchen] Of course it's decaf! Damn sadistic waiter. I should have stiffed him when I had the chance! [grabs milk and heads to the counter; he turns on the stove and makes himself a glass of warm milk; he then proceeds to knock over the milk carton] Damn milk! [grabs paper towel and stretchs over the stove] Grr... [the milk causes him to slip, hitting his chin on the counter with a grunt] Damn it! Where does Helen hide the mop? [he heads to the utility closet, not noticing that the paper towel has caught fire] [sniffing] Funny, I could swear I smell smoke. [screams when he sees the stove on fire] Fire! Fire!

Helen

[on phone, sleepily] No, Eric, it's only 1:00 a.m. Of course you didn't wake me.

[offscreen] Fire! Fire!

Helen

Oh, my God, Eric, the house is on fire! I'll have to call you back! [very slight pause] No, I don't know when! [very slight pause] No, you can't hold!

Daria! What are you doing in bed when the house is on fire?!

[puts glasses on] Um, trying to find out if these blankets are flame-retardant?

Well, do it later! Come on! Out of the house! [grabs Daria and runs out of the room]

[Quinn is rummaging frantically through her dresser while talking on the phone]

Sandi, this is terrible! I don't even have time to pack, and I can't run out of the house looking like this!

Helen

Quinn! Come on! [grabs phone]

But... [gets pushed out of the room]

Helen

Sandi? She'll have to call you back. [very slight pause] No, I don't know when!

[cut to outside, the Morgendorffers and their neighbors watch the fire department]

Helen

Jake, leaving paper towels by an open flame? What's wrong with you?!

Mom's right. Kerosene would have been much more effective.

Helen

What were you thinking?!

Well, I remember thinking, Damn it, damn waiter with his damn phony decaf. Then I was thinking, I need some damn milk...

Helen

Oh, never mind.

[cut to the kitchen where the family and an insurance adjustor inspects the damage]

AAdjustor

Luckily it's mostly just smoke damage, but we'll still have to repaint upstairs and down. I'd say we're looking at two weeks.

Helen

Two weeks?

AAdjustor

Meanwhile, your policy allows you to stay in a hotel on a per diem. The Dutchman Inn would be in budget.

The Dutchman Inn? That place with the giant clog?!