"Feeling boxed in? Leading corrugated cardboard manufacturer seeks senior VP of sales and marketing?" Damn it, Helen, I'm a man with my own business. I'll never work for somebody else again! Never, do you hear me?! And shame on you for suggesting it. Shame, Helen, shame...
HelenJake, I'm so sorry.
Hey, look at this one! "Kick-ass I-startup, superjazzed about expansion, seeks visionary dot-com expert for media leadership position." Where do I sign up?!
Helen
Jake, you don't know a thing about the Internet.
[sarcastic] Oh, but I'm an expert on cardboard!
[Daria's flashback]
Helen
Daria, you're never going to make friends if you keep your nose buried in a book.
Let's hope. [Helen sighs and takes book away from Daria] Hey!
Helen
Now where's Quinn?
Dammit! I knew we forgot something.
[Back window of car rolls down to show young Quinn hiding inside]
Helen
Come on, Quinn. We're here. [opens door]
I don't want to go to camp! [Helen pulls Quinn from car] I don't want to go to camp! Hey, that girl has my backpack! [runs over to younger Tracy, Cindy and Tatiana] Look, I have the same backpack.
TTracy
Hmm. I can see where the untrained eye would think so. It's quite a skillful imitation.
CCindy
Who's that weird girl over there with your parents?
That's my sis...cousin! Distant cousin.
[flashback ends]
Helen
But Rita, if Erin never loved him, why'd she marry him in the first place? [pause] Once he gave her herpes she didn't think anyone else would want her? Oh Lord, Rita, it's a new millennium. When will people get rid of these outmoded ideas about sex? [to Quinn] Where's your sister?
Helen
Is Tom with her?
Mom! I'm not J. Edgar Winter!
Helen
Talk to your aunt! [runs up the stairs]
Hello? [pause] It's Quinn, Aunt Rita. Well, of course she should divorce him, he's short!
And my Language Arts substitute wouldn't stop talking about this stupid novel he's writing!
Helen
Mm-hmm...
About some professor who dates a budding child woman because he wants to blossom her.
Helen
Mm-hmm...
And then he started acting out his stupid book for us, stroking Tiffany's hair and telling her about his anguished soul...
Helen
Mm-hmm... what?! He was stroking Tiffany's hair?!
I know! Like Tiffany would ever date someone who wore a tweed jacket.
Helen
Daria! Get me the... [she takes the phone away from Daria where this was headed moments earlier] Thank you.
Sandi helped me break my list into three categories: looks, popularity, and how well his hair matches my clothes.
Helen
You know Quinn, looks and popularity aren't really what's important in a relationship.
The ability to fix major appliances.
Hmm...yes, I can see that.
[Daria cracks her soda and walks off]
Helen
What's really important is that you find someone that you enjoy being with.
You mean like how I enjoyed Kyle taking me to Le Yeast last night.
Helen
I mean someone you can get along with for more than one evening. Who can share your hopes and dreams, your trials and disappointments. Someone you look forward to seeing day after day, week after week, [angrier] month after month, year after year, the same old complaints about his uncaring father. God is he ever going to get over --
Mo-oommmm! That's so boring!
Helen
Uh, not at all! That's compatibality!
[gets up and leaves] I think I'll finish this upstairs.
Helen
[notices something] Oh my, where is everyone?
Dad, Tom and Jeffy are outside trying to catch a squirrel and Quinn's in her room crying.
Helen
Why? What happened?
Helen
I mean with Quinn.
Oh. She said something about failing at relationships.
Helen
What? Just because Jeffy joined your father on some ridiculous squirrel chase, she thinks her relationship is over?
Well, she might have had slightly unrealistic expectations about what having a boyfriend entails.
Helen
Uh-huh. And just what would some of these expectations be?
You know, being together twenty-four hours a day, hanging on each other's every word, his-and-hers cemetery plots.
Helen
Daria, how could you mislead your sister like that!? [leaves]
Mother. How could I not? [looks back outside and sees Tom, Jake, and Jeffy celebrating the capture of the squirrel and walks back to her seat] And what about me? I finally get up the nerve to invite Tom for a family dinner and everyone leaves me, confirming my deepest fears about abandonment and isolation. Oh look, shoestring potatoes.
[Daria's flashback #1, while Jake and Helen are arguing in another room; Daria is obviously frightened]
[offscreen] Dammit, Helen, that's it! How much am I supposed to take?
Helen
[offscreen] Jake, she's a child, she doesn't know any better!
[offscreen] That's what she wants you to believe!
[Daria's flashback #2, while Jake and Helen are arguing in another room; Daria is obviously frightened]
[offscreen] Dammit, Helen, that's it! How much am I supposed to take?
Helen
[offscreen] Jake, this isn't about you. It's about her, having a little trouble fitting in.
[offscreen] She doesn't want to fit in, damn it! Why can't you admit that?!
Helen
[offscreen] Jake, she's a child, she doesn't know any better!
[offscreen] That's what she wants you to believe!
Helen
[offscreen] Where are you going?!
[the front door, then another door slams, with little Daria wincing each time and pulling the covers up a little tighter ends flashback sequence]
Daria? Come on, the neighbors are starting to talk.
Um... good. Soon they'll progress to cave drawings and civilization will be on its way. [crawls out of the box just as Quinn approaches]
Daria! I remembered! You were right! I remembered I was three or four and it was nighttime and I woke up because Mom and Dad were fighting, and then Dad was yelling and a door slammed and then I heard a car start up and he drove away.
Thank you. I knew I wasn't imagining it. Do you remember what they were fighting about?
Um... yeah... they were fighting about you.
[Daria's flashback #3, little Daria is talking to the school counsellor)
DDoctor
Now, Daria... I want you to tell me what you see when you look at the picture. [holds up an inkblot]
What do you mean? That's not a picture.
DDoctor
Well, not the kind of picture we're used to seeing. This picture lets you make up what it's about.
Then why don't I just draw my own picture?
DDoctor
For instance... one little boy or girl might look at it and see a fire truck or a house. Another might see a herd of beautiful wild ponies running free across the plains.
It's just a black splotch.
DDoctor
Daria, what's your favorite game to play at recess?
I don't like games. I like to read.
PPsychologist
Don't you enjoy playing with the other children?
Not really. They never understand what I'm talking about, and then they make fun of me. [pause] I like to read.
[in the car]
I'm just saying, Daria. If you give the other boys and girls a chance, you might find someone you like. It takes all kinds.
I like lots of kids! [starts bouncing up and down]
Helen
Sweetie, it's a little hard for your father and me to keep taking time off from work to talk to the counselor. Why don't you meet us halfway and try talking to the other kids?
They don't say anything that interests me.
I talk a lot to the other kids, and they talk back!
[the car pulls into the driveway of their home]
Helen
Daria, how do you know they don't interest you?
[later that night, Daria is in bed, while Jake and Helen are arguing in another room]
Helen
[offscreen] Well, I don't know what to do. I'm at my wits' end.
[offscreen] Dammit, Helen, that's it! I go in there every day to face a psychotic boss, a job that makes me feel like a freakin' slave, then I have to come home and deal with this? How much am I supposed to take?
Helen
[offscreen] Jake, this isn't about you. It's about her, having a little trouble fitting in.
[offscreen] She doesn't want to fit in, damn it! Why can't you admit that?!
Helen
[offscreen] Jake, she's a child, she doesn't know any better!
[offscreen] That's what she wants you to believe!
Helen
[offscreen] Where are you going?!
[Daria's flashback #3 ends as Daria hides inside the box]
Daria · 137 quotes
