[Daria's flashback]
Daria, you're never going to make friends if you keep your nose buried in a book.
Young DariaLet's hope. [Helen sighs and takes book away from Daria] Hey!
Dammit! I knew we forgot something.
[Back window of car rolls down to show young Quinn hiding inside]
Come on, Quinn. We're here. [opens door]
I don't want to go to camp! [Helen pulls Quinn from car] I don't want to go to camp! Hey, that girl has my backpack! [runs over to younger Tracy, Cindy and Tatiana] Look, I have the same backpack.
TTracy
Hmm. I can see where the untrained eye would think so. It's quite a skillful imitation.
CCindy
Who's that weird girl over there with your parents?
That's my sis...cousin! Distant cousin.
[flashback ends]
SSkip
Get your Grizzly Burgers. Rare, medium, but always well-done. [Daria and Amelia come with their plates holding hamburger buns. Then, Daria picks up a burger and places it on her bun] Hey! What are you doing?
Daria
Hunting for my dinner, and I only kill what I plan to eat.
SSkip
No-one takes a burger until I say so. I've got a whole system here. It's all timed to perfection.
Daria
I didn't realize the burgers were landing at Normandy.
SSkip
[uses spatula to take burger from Daria and put it back on grill] That one's yours, you touched it. I'll let you know when it's ready.
Daria
Okay, I'll be on the troopship leading the other burgers in prayer.
He meant well, for a teacher who does nothing well.
Daria
I'm reminded of my father.
Daria
Because I can't get the phrase, "damn idiot teachers with their damn idiot brains," out of my head.
[enters] Hey, Daria, congratulations. A published story, that's amazing.
[Kevin and Brittany approach them]
Daria
Um, it's not exactly published. I sent it in, but I haven't heard back.
Then why are you telling everybody that it's been published?
Oh, you know Daria and her compulsive need to impress.
Oh. But then instead of making up stuff about writing, shouldn't you pick something good?
Daria
How's this? During the day, I'm a mild-mannered student. But at night, I fight crime in a stretchy-stretchy costume.
Cool! I didn't know that.
Kevie, you're so gullible. [she drags Kevin away]
She wears it on weekends, come on.
You know, my mother gets Musings and their fiction is awful. I bet you'll have no trouble getting in.
Daria
Gee, thanks.
Daria
[sighs] I know, thanks.
Good luck. [she exits and Ms. Barch enters]
Daria, in the name of Jane Austin, Emily Dickinson, Anne Bronte, Emily Bronte, and Charlotte Bronte, I want to say, "You go, girl!"
That's just how they would have put it.
Daria
Who told you?
Er, uh, um, nobody. It certainly didn't come up during anything other than normal in-school chitchat among colleagues. Fully dressed. With no oils involved.
Daria
Ever have one of those moments that no shower, no matter the duration nor the temperature, can ever erase?
I'm leaning toward trauma-induced amnesia myself. Punch my head, would ya?
Max, can't you look any more existential?
MMax
Existential? You said nihilistic.
I feel like I should be doing something. [after a beat, waves]
[Daria and Jane appears with video camera]
Daria
Shouldn't he have a sign that says, "Hi, Mom."
Uh, Jesse? Why don't you, um, cue the fog machine.
[Jesse reaches over rail and turns on "Big Fog" fog machine. It begins to emit smoke, and knocks. Smoke envelopes the band, causing all to cough]
[Band runs away from gazebo moments before fog machine explodes, leaving a column of smoke where it was]
Daria
Wow. Real life drama.
[pats camera] And I got every second of it.
Sandi helped me break my list into three categories: looks, popularity, and how well his hair matches my clothes.
You know Quinn, looks and popularity aren't really what's important in a relationship.
Daria
The ability to fix major appliances.
Hmm...yes, I can see that.
[Daria cracks her soda and walks off]
What's really important is that you find someone that you enjoy being with.
You mean like how I enjoyed Kyle taking me to Le Yeast last night.
I mean someone you can get along with for more than one evening. Who can share your hopes and dreams, your trials and disappointments. Someone you look forward to seeing day after day, week after week, [angrier] month after month, year after year, the same old complaints about his uncaring father. God is he ever going to get over --
Mo-oommmm! That's so boring!
Uh, not at all! That's compatibality!
[gets up and leaves] I think I'll finish this upstairs.
[notices something] Oh my, where is everyone?
Daria
Dad, Tom and Jeffy are outside trying to catch a squirrel and Quinn's in her room crying.
Daria
Male bonding, I guess.
Daria
Oh. She said something about failing at relationships.
What? Just because Jeffy joined your father on some ridiculous squirrel chase, she thinks her relationship is over?
Daria
Well, she might have had slightly unrealistic expectations about what having a boyfriend entails.
Uh-huh. And just what would some of these expectations be?
Daria
You know, being together twenty-four hours a day, hanging on each other's every word, his-and-hers cemetery plots.
Daria, how could you mislead your sister like that!? [leaves]
Daria
Mother. How could I not? [looks back outside and sees Tom, Jake, and Jeffy celebrating the capture of the squirrel and walks back to her seat] And what about me? I finally get up the nerve to invite Tom for a family dinner and everyone leaves me, confirming my deepest fears about abandonment and isolation. Oh look, shoestring potatoes.
And he wares cuff links, and drives one of those big old cars with fins. How great is that?
Daria
Do you think it's a good idea to pick up a perfect stranger while under the influence of ink well fumes? Even if he has come here from prehistoric times.
Hey, if I didn't have the nerve to pick up guys, you wouldn't have a boyfriend.
Daria
Oh great. I'm not going to have to date this guy now, am I?
Daria
[shrugs] What'd I say?
I don't know, I hate the present too, but not enough to ware a zoot suit.
He doesn't ware a zoot suit. He's a snappy dresser in the classical-elegant sense. Plus, he has impecable manners and a biting whit.
Daria
Oh, so he's--
Daria
Okay, he's got it all. [looks at Tom] Not like some guys.
It's true. If I really cared, I'd dress like a dead man too.
[stands up] Thanks for the encourgement, you two. Maybe sometime you can teach me how to pass judgement on someone I've never met.
Daria
She's going to be dissappointed.
Yeah. That's not really the kind of thing you can teach.
Anyway, what about a movie tonight?
Daria
I can't. I promised Quinn I'd watch Gone With the Wind with her.
[Tom starts laughing, then trails off when he realizes Daria is serious]
Okay, that freaks me out and scares me.
Daria
Pray for me.
BMr. Brower
Ms. Morgendorffer, why do YOU deserve the Wizard Scholarship?
Daria
Whether or not I deserve anything is irrelevant, assuming you run your scholarship program the same way you run your company. Since the token women and minorities you hire rarely move up into upper-management, and since I won't give the answers you want to hear in the hopes of somehow bucking the odds, I guess you can just pass on me as if I were one of your female employees up for promotion.
BMr. Brower
Ms. Morgendorffer, you seem to have a bit of an attitude problem. Are you trying to sabotage yourself?
Daria
I'm responding to your questions truthfully, so I guess the answer is "yes".
Hey. Sex is nothing to be ashamed of as long as you're responsible.
Daria
So then you and Mack have.... been responsible?
Um.... I really don't want to discuss that right now.
Daria
I understand.
Jodie I promise: Soon as my parents are dead, I'll tell you all about it.
Daria
So, um...should we pick a date?
Well...my parents are going out of town next weekend. How about then?
Daria
No fair. Home court advantage.
Daria
Like I'd ever find all the microphones Mom's hidden around my room.
The Rendezvous Motel? You know, on Route 6.
Daria
Gee, don't make me feel too special.
All right, the boathouse at the lake, with the stars, the moon, the water?
Daria
And the mosquitoes, the splinters, the security patrol?
[frowning slightly] Okay, how about Mars, then? Soon as that whole colonization thing gets going?
Daria
Did I tell you Tom's going away for a week?
Daria
How'd you know?
That's the only place his family ever goes. I think they're training a secret militia up there.
Daria
I wish. That's so much more exciting than them just being too damn cheap to go anywhere interesting.
Hey, how do you think old money gets old?
Daria
Anyway, he'll be up there for a family wedding, so more time for you and me to hang out.
Haven't we had this conversation before? Only I said what you're saying and you said what I'm saying?
[Daria's flashback #2, while Jake and Helen are arguing in another room; Daria is obviously frightened]
[offscreen] Dammit, Helen, that's it! How much am I supposed to take?
[offscreen] Jake, this isn't about you. It's about her, having a little trouble fitting in.
[offscreen] She doesn't want to fit in, damn it! Why can't you admit that?!
[offscreen] Jake, she's a child, she doesn't know any better!
[offscreen] That's what she wants you to believe!
[offscreen] Where are you going?!
[the front door, then another door slams, with little Daria wincing each time and pulling the covers up a little tighter ends flashback sequence]
Daria? Come on, the neighbors are starting to talk.
Daria
Um... good. Soon they'll progress to cave drawings and civilization will be on its way. [crawls out of the box just as Quinn approaches]
Daria! I remembered! You were right! I remembered I was three or four and it was nighttime and I woke up because Mom and Dad were fighting, and then Dad was yelling and a door slammed and then I heard a car start up and he drove away.
Daria
Thank you. I knew I wasn't imagining it. Do you remember what they were fighting about?
Um... yeah... they were fighting about you.
[Daria's flashback #3, little Daria is talking to the school counsellor)
DDoctor
Now, Daria... I want you to tell me what you see when you look at the picture. [holds up an inkblot]
Little Daria
What do you mean? That's not a picture.
DDoctor
Well, not the kind of picture we're used to seeing. This picture lets you make up what it's about.
Little Daria
Then why don't I just draw my own picture?
DDoctor
For instance... one little boy or girl might look at it and see a fire truck or a house. Another might see a herd of beautiful wild ponies running free across the plains.
Little Daria
It's just a black splotch.
DDoctor
Daria, what's your favorite game to play at recess?
Little Daria
I don't like games. I like to read.
PPsychologist
Don't you enjoy playing with the other children?
Little Daria
Not really. They never understand what I'm talking about, and then they make fun of me. [pause] I like to read.
[in the car]
I'm just saying, Daria. If you give the other boys and girls a chance, you might find someone you like. It takes all kinds.
I like lots of kids! [starts bouncing up and down]
Little Daria
They call me egghead.
Sweetie, it's a little hard for your father and me to keep taking time off from work to talk to the counselor. Why don't you meet us halfway and try talking to the other kids?
Little Daria
They don't say anything that interests me.
I talk a lot to the other kids, and they talk back!
[the car pulls into the driveway of their home]
Daria, how do you know they don't interest you?
Little Daria
I'm tired. [leaves]
[later that night, Daria is in bed, while Jake and Helen are arguing in another room]
[offscreen] Well, I don't know what to do. I'm at my wits' end.
[offscreen] Dammit, Helen, that's it! I go in there every day to face a psychotic boss, a job that makes me feel like a freakin' slave, then I have to come home and deal with this? How much am I supposed to take?
[offscreen] Jake, this isn't about you. It's about her, having a little trouble fitting in.
[offscreen] She doesn't want to fit in, damn it! Why can't you admit that?!
[offscreen] Jake, she's a child, she doesn't know any better!
[offscreen] That's what she wants you to believe!
[offscreen] Where are you going?!
[Daria's flashback #3 ends as Daria hides inside the box]
Daria · 137 quotes
