[closes his apartment as a monster roars] I think we should run.
That was close. [he and Dan run off]
LGLittle Girl
[teases Dan again as Dan runs off] Baby.
[Dan angrily screams in front of the little girl's face which causes her to cry]
S2 E6The Monster Under the Bed
[Dan and Chris are in the car]
Monsters. They live under your bed, but they never kick in for the rent.
Are you ready to listen to me now? That creature was identical to the one in the book.
I'll admit, there was some passing resemblance.
If you don't get rid of that thing, it's going to devour you.
I just don't understand why he started terrorizing me. What did I ever do to Agsagoth?
[stops the car and shows Dan a page of the book] Does this look familiar?
No. Should it? [he and Chris both get out of the car]
This is the scratch you put in our car last week.
Allegedly.
Not allegedly, Dan. Actually. The scratch is identical to the Ancient Sumerian symbol. It must have caught the attention of Agsagoth the Devourer.
So? Fix it.
Dan! If you have read the book, you'd know it needs to be you that fixes the scratch, since you put it there.
Allegedly!
You called this creature here, and now it's marked you. Have you forgotten the next steps?
Physical agony, the mark changes, the beast eats me, blah, blah, blah.
So, do you want to get rid of the monster or not?
Of course I do! But I don't see how a scratch on YOUR car- [Dan's stomach growls] Ohh! My guts!
It's the second step! Let me see your forehead!
Let go, lummax.
Uh, Dan. Look.
How am I suppose to look at my own forehead, you jerk! [Chris lifts him and puts him in the car]
Okay, now look.
[sees his scratch in the mirror] Oh, come on!
[at the end, Chris and Elise are relaxing at the spa]
Aahh.. Dan should just about be reading my letter by now.
He's going to be really mad.
He's got to start listening to me. Every once in a while, anyway.
I'm really proud of you for standing up to Dan, however indirectly.
Yeah, I'm not really good at direct confrontation. Besides, all's well that ends well.
[angrily yelling as the episode ends] CHRIS!!!
S2 E7Golf
Why are you wasting time at a stupid golf place? Mr. Mumbles' birthday party is 48 hours away and we don't even have a theme!
I'm not wasting time, I'm playing golf. It's my new hobby!
For the last time, your hobby is being my sidekick!
[comes by] Hey C-man - is this vagrant bothering you?
Uh, no sir. Dan, this is my boss, Mr. Bainbridge. Mr. Bainbridge, this is my impertinent friend, Dan.
Son, that is not why it's called a driving range. [chuckles]
Chris, I am going to count to 3. 1, [a golf ball smashes Dan's car windshield] WHO DID THAT?! I want a name! [he gets hit by a golf ball] GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLF!!!
Give me the wedge.
[dressed up like a Scottish Golfer, Scottish Accent] I don't see no wedge, mate. Nothing in here but golf clubs. [phone rings] Aye aye? This be him. No, I already get long distance service. Yes, I'll hear you out.
Five strokes, right?
[Scottish Accent] Aye, sir.
Um, I had three.
[Scottish Accent] What did ye say? Nay, I will not accept a bribe from ye!
What's going on here?
[Scottish Accent] This hooligan tried to pay me to raise his score.
You mean lower his score?
[Scottish Accent] Um, sure.
That's ridiculous.
[Scottish Accent] I completely agree.
Why would you pay your caddy to lower your score? He should do it for free.
What? That's cheating!
Dan, knock it off.
[Scottish Accent] Who's Dan? I'm Scotty the Scot.
Just go home.
[takes off hat and sunglasses, normal voice] Not until you quit playing golf forever!
Chris, what is your impertinent friend doing here?
Stay out of this, fancy pants! This is between me and Chris!
And security! [two security guards use binoculars, Mr. Bainbridge points at Dan]
You'll never take me alive!
PRPrescott Richman IV
But, even though Nigel almost got eaten by a lion, it was probably my best birthday ever.
That does sound like a good birthday.
Hors'devours?
No thanks, I'm pretty full.
I really think you should have one.
OK, Dan. I never thought I'd say this, but you were right. We need to break Chris of his golf habit. [Dan mumbles] What do you mean, "eh?"
I mean a few hours ago I would have agreed with you. But now, I see golf for what it really is. Massages, jaccuzzis, and my new friend, Prescott Richman IV.
You really think some rich slob can replace Chris?
Can and has. [walks away]
PRPrescott Richman IV
Dan! There you are! Nigel almost went looking for you.
Hey, Pres, after the jacuzzi, let's go shopping for my cat's birthday party.
PRPrescott Richman IV
Sorry, I've got a blimp regatta in an hour. Plus, I'm more of a dog person.
Yes! [calls] Hey, it's Elise. Tell little Susie I'll be there in time for the freestyle rap battle!
[to an angry Mr. Bainbridge] Well, sir, the important thing is we had fun.
You're fired! [walks away]
Aw...
S2 E8The Gym
So Dan, this is our new gym. What do you think?
I think there's a whole room full of people on bicycles going nowhere!
They're called stationary bikes.
It's to get your heart rate up.
That sounds dangerously irresponsible! I'm leaving. [he tries to leave but Chris grabs him] Get your sticky paws off me!
Give the gym a chance. You said just yesterday you've been feeling fat.
That was said in confidence!
GYYY-OHHHH!! [ends up getting a pain so he wheezes instead] Gyyyyyyyyym...
S2 E9The Wedding
[Dan is hanging out with Hortence and her friends]
This is the best bridal shower ever, you guys.
RGRed Girl
You are going to make such a beautiful bride.
BGBlonde Girl
I love the china pattern you picked out. Don't you Dan?
Huh? Oh, sure. China pattern. Hortence, have you really thought about what you're doing?
Uh, like, of course.
I mean, there's such a big age difference between you two. Have you read the statistics about these things working out?
BGBlonde Girl
Dan!
Or the statistical probability that someone who eats burgers for every meal is going to make it past 50?
Jeremiah's as healthy as a horse.
And why is he marrying someone so much younger, anyway? I think he's hiding something. Maybe you should call off the wedding until you figure out what it is. Just sayin'.
RGRed Girl
Oh, he's doing a roast! [laughs] How funny!
Oh! Okay. For a second there, I thought you were being really mean for no reason.
I was just pointing out-
BGBlonde Girl
You know what we should do? Give Dan a makeover!
What? No.
Yes!
RGRed Girl
Too much fun!
[voiceover] I DON'T WANT A MAKEOVER!
[after his face is covered with makeup by Hortence and the girls] You laugh, I attack.
[laughs] So, how was the bridal shower? [Dan punches him] Stop it! You're getting your makeup on me!
It's not my makeup! This was done against my will!
It's a good look for you.
Not one more word. They rouged me, Chris. I have been rouged! This is war.
And hey, you've already got your war paint. [Dan punches him]
[Dan and Chris are at Hortence's wedding]
Oh yes, thank you. [eats the shrimp puffs]
There's no time for that!
There's always time for shrimp puffs.
I need you to tell the Best Man there's a telephone call for him.
Mine. Sir, there's a telephone call for you.
Hurry back, we're all waiting to hear your Best Man toast.
[to a lady who walks up to him] Get your own!
[Dan captures a man as he covers him with a bag and puts him in the closet punching him]
There's my bridesman!
Hortence, I need to talk to you. [using the microphone] Actually, I need to talk to all of you. I may not be the Best Man, but I'm the only man for this job.
Hello Dan, nice to see you! I heard you were going to be in our wedding!
You sir are a fraud!
[everyone gasps]
What?!
Dan! We're NOT making a scene, remember? We're leaving. As soon as I'm done with these canapes.
[Dan walks up to Hortence]
Dan, what are you doing?
I'm sorry, Hortence, but you can't marry Jeremiah Burger. He's been lying to you.
I most certainly have not!
He has, and I have proof. [shows Hortence and Jeremiah a picture] Ladies and gentlemen of the wedding, Jeremiah Burger has been married, not once, not twice, but 6 times! So, come on. You can cry on my shoulder in the car.
Did you think I didn't know that!
Uh, what?
I've met all of his exes. We're friends. That's them right there! [pan to Jeremiah's exes]
Oh.
This really is unacceptable behavior. Especially from a bridesmaid.
[Dan gets kicked out by 2 men from the wedding]
Sheesh. Try to help someone out, and this is the thanks you get.
[comes over] I have never been so humiliated in all my life! You ruined my rehearsal dinner! I thought you were my friend.
Hortence, I just need to tell you something before you go through with this. I know you feel the same way about me that I do about you. I I--
[angrily] I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAAAAIN!
That's not how I feel about you!
S2 E10The Catburglar
[Dan gets ready to meet with Miss O'Houlihan]
What are you selling?
OHMiss O'Houlihan
I'm not a saleswoman, I'm your neighbor and just now I came home to find my cat Poopsie stalling. [whines and freaks out]
I'm very sorry to hear that. Mrs.
OHMiss O'Houlihan
Miss O'Houlihan. Honey O'Houlihan. Nice to meet you.
I'm Dan. In speaking of me, why are you telling me this?
OHMiss O'Houlihan
I've seen you around the neighborhood with your cat. Did you understand each other like no human and feline I've ever seen. [feels Mr. Mumbles] I'm begging for your help. I've got nowhere else to turn. See?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Dan Vs. pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.