Cheryl David quotes from Curb Your Enthusiasm

Larry

Ya know, I really don't like not driving. You should've let me drive.

Cheryl

It's my car.

Larry

Well, on the way back, I'm gonna drive.

Cheryl

Why?

Larry

I don't feel I have a personality in this seat.

Cheryl

Pfft.

Larry

No, really. I feel very dull.

Cheryl

Mm-hm.

Larry

Do you want me to sing or do you want the uh, radio?

Cheryl

I think I'd rather choose the radio.

Larry

All right. [turns it on, cassette starts playing] What is this, a tape?

Cheryl

Mm-hm.

Larry

What are you doing with a tape? I thought you only...I thought you only buy CDs.

Cheryl

Um, actually a friend loaned it to me.

Larry

Who is this?

Cheryl

It's Al Green.

Larry

Who gave you this tape?

Cheryl

Brad. It's good, isn't it?

Larry

"You oughta to be with me"? Is that what he's saying?! "You oughta be with me"! That's what--that's what he's singing about?!

Cheryl

What is wrong with you?

Larry

What the--wait, Brad gives you a tape? An Al Green tape? "You oughta be with me"?

I remember when I let you in, you said "If there's any problems, I'll take care of it." So here I am. I'm gonna have to hold you to that 'cuz I don't have another job.

Cheryl

Oh no.

So I am homeless except I don't stink.

Cheryl

Ok.

And I..um..your home is big.

Larry

[thinking back in his mind] Maybe someday I'll do something good for somebody like that. [yells out] SCUM SUCKING MOTHERFUCKING WHORE!

Jeff

COCK, COCK! JIZZUM! GRANDMA! COCK! [gestures for someone else to continue]

BUM! FUCK! TURD! FART! CUNT! PISS! SHIT! BUGGER AND BALLS!

DAMN IT! HELL! CRAP! SHIT!

Cheryl

YOU GODFUCKINGDAMN MOTHERFUCKING BITCH!

Susie

Fuck you, you car wash cunt! I had a dental appointment!

Fellatio, cunnilingus , french kissing! [there's a slight chuckle from the crowd which gets louder as the scene progresses] Rim job!

Crap, piss!

Fucking, fucking fuck fuck!

Schmuck, putz!

Richard Lewis

Pussy, pig fucker!

Balls!

Boy cock, Girl cock, E-I-E-I-O!

Marty

Hey Lar, you ever hear of Denta Friend?

Larry

Denta Friend? No.

Marty

It's a new sonic toothbrush that would really get rid of your plaque.

Larry

What are you talking about, get rid of plaque. I don't have any plaque.

Marty

My cousin's hygienist told me you have plaque.

Larry

Your cousin's hygienist told you I have a lot of plaque?

Marty

What's the big deal? Plaque is not a serious disease.

Larry

First of all, number one I don't have any plaque...

(laughing)

Larry

Number two, she shouldn't be telling you, that's a breach of patient-hygienist confidentiality.

Jeff

There is no patient-hygienist confidentiality.

Larry

You're so wrong.

Susie

It's unethical, not legally like a doctor or a lawyer, but its unethical is what he's saying.

Larry

It's totally unethical, and I don't have any plaque by the way, do i have an electric toothbrush?

Cheryl

He has an electric toothbrush.

Larry

How often do I floss?

Cheryl

At least twice a day.

Tell him I don't have any plaque, okay, did you tell him that?

Marty

You have plaque.

Larry

Do you wanna have a plaque contest with me Marty?

Marty

Let's have a plaque contest.

Larry

Anytime you want.

Marty

Anytime you want.

Larry

Fine, you want to?

Marty

Challenge me just like you do in golf.

Hello, Cheryl.

Cheryl

Good morning, Wandering Bear.

How is your vagina?

Wanda

You know what's going on.

Larry

Huh?

Wanda

You have a racist dog. The dog hates black people!

Cheryl

Wanda...

Wanda

Larry, you train the dog to hate black people?

Larry

No, I didn't train it to hate black people.

Wanda

Has it barked at any white people?

Cheryl

...No, he's...he's...

Larry

So he hasn't barked at any white people.

Wanda

Exactly. Your dog is racist.

Larry

Sheriff's racist?

Wanda

"Sheriff"? That's a perfect name for a racist dog. Where'd you get this dog: the Klan meeting or something?

Cheryl

Larry picked him out at the pound.

Larry

The pound.

Wanda

Sheriff, the fuckin' dog that eats black people. What the fuck, man? I'll tell you what, y'all stay here, pet your crazy-ass racist dog, but I am not bringing my black ass back up into this fucking "hotel" until y'all get rid of that fucking Klan dog. Gotta Klan dog! Lookin' at me like I'm a damn T-bone!

Larry

I kinda invited [Rick] over to the seder, if you don't mind.

Cheryl

You did?

Larry

Yeah.

Cheryl

Aww.

Larry

I'm sorry.

Cheryl

No, that's okay.

Larry

Oh really?

Cheryl

Well, he's alone.

Larry

Oh, aren't you a doll.

Cheryl

That's cute. I'm glad you made a new friend. That's nice. I don't hear that very often from you.

Larry

Oh, and I forgot to mention, he's a sex offender.

Larry

I was in the band, ok. The girls were pretty interested, you know, with the guitar. They liked that.

Like a rock band?

Larry

Jewish folk music, Jewish folk songs.

Oh, like what songs?

Larry

Um.."Gefilte Fish Blues".."My Freakin' Back is Killin' Me and It's Making It Hard to Kvell".

Cheryl

What was the name of your band?

Larry

The Hipsters..Larry David and The Hipsters. And then, I left The Hipsters and I just became Larry David.

Larry

We're having a big party.

Uh huh. You wanna cake?

Cheryl

Yeah, we want a chocolate layer cake.

Larry

Like the one Marty Funkhouser gets.

Oh yeah! He's actually ordered it a couple of times. I just have one that I prepared recently.

Cheryl

It was the best cake we ever had. We can't stop talking about it.

It's one of our most popular cakes..

Cheryl

I can understand why.

..And here he is.

Larry

...That's a penis.

Cheryl

Where've you been?

Larry

I was eating some penis.

Larry

Hey!

Why did you leave that stupid message on my answering machine?

Larry

What?

I don't want to hear about the money anymore.

Larry

Yeah. No one will take this money. I couldn't give it to a bum.

Listen to me. I don't care about the money. Someone stole flowers that were marking the spot where my mother was hit in her wheelchair.

Larry

Really?

Yes. I'm not a violent person. But if I find this guy, I don't know what I'm gonna do to him.

Larry

Hmm.

I can't believe that a human being would do that.

Larry

How would you even know the flowers are missing?

I keep track of it. I drive by there 10 times a day.

Larry

Okay, you know what? You should go home now. Don't worry about the 50. I don't even care about it anymore. You know-

What is that I smell?

Larry

What? There's no smell. What do you mean?

That's a white lily.

Larry

I don't even know what- what- a white lily?

I know a white lily.

Larry

Huh?

I've got a good sense of smell.

Larry

What are you doing? Where are you going?

There they are. I knew it!

Cheryl

Hi, Marty.

Hi, how are you, Cheryl? Boy, those are beautiful.

Cheryl

Thank you.

Where'd you get 'em?

Cheryl

Larry just brought 'em home for me.

Where'd you get the flowers?

Larry

Um... where'd I get those? Oh, Ventura Boulevard.

What store?

Larry

What was it? Uh...

Loretta

Where can I find a vase?

Did you take the flowers at my mother's site?

Loretta

What?

Cheryl

What?

Larry

They wouldn't take the 50 at the flower store!

How could you do that?!

Larry

Why? There are so many of them. Because I didn't know it was such a big-

So many of them?!

Larry

Is that such a bad thing?

They're not there to pick! You are the lowest of the low.

Cheryl

I cannot believe you.

I have never heard anything like that in my life.

Larry

How many flowers does she need?

Cheryl

You took flowers from Marty's mother?

Loretta

Are these from a graveyard?

Larry

Not a graveyard. It's a roadside memorial. It's not such a- come on!

How could you do this? And you know what? I am missing one! Where's the third bunch? There were three bouquets.

Larry

I-I- I know where it is.

Cheryl

He will get you that bouquet.

I feel sorry for you. If you weren't my best friend, I would take my bare hands and pop your head off your neck.

Larry

He's not my best friend.

You better get those flowers!

Cheryl

That wasn't nice of him to say that but here's this guy trying to get a job and what have you done?

Larry

What have I done? I haven't done anything. I was insulted, don't you see that?

Cheryl

Are you going to write him a letter now or something?

Larry

Write him a letter.."Dear prick, I'm sorry you're a prick."

Cheryl

Okay, that's not gonna help..

Larry

"I didn't know you were such a prick when I called.."

Cheryl

Okay-

Larry

"..but it really turned out that you were! In any event, would you please give this young man a job?"