I'm calling dibs on the Han Solo role before Jeff slouches into it by default.
S2 E24For a Few Paintballs More
S3 E1Biology 101
Okay, guys, let's get to Biology on time. I don't want to be a screw up this year.
Umm, Britta. [Points to his Biology book while looking at the Chemistry book Britta is holding]
So we're really doing this without Pierce? It's so sad.
Yeah, we've parted ways with our closest, oldest, craziest, most racist, oldest elderly crazy friend. And he's not coming back.
[Suddenly from behind Jeff] I'm back.
Oh, Starburns. I see you added a lizard to your special hat and sideburns. Am I missing anything?
Yeah, the human being underneath it all, but no one's really interested in that, are they?
No.
[Jeff daydreams about he and the study group singing a song to celebrate the beginning of a new year at Greendale Community College]
We're gonna fly to school each morning,We're gonna smile the entire time.
We're gonna be more happy,We're gonna finally be fine!
We're gonna get more calm and normal,
TTroy
We're gonna fix our state of mind!
We're gonna be less crazy,
EEveryone
We're gonna finally be fine!
We're gonna stand holding hands in a brand new land,Far away from the borderline!
We're gonna seem like a mainstream dream,
And be appealing to all mankiiiiiind!
EEveryone
We're gonna have more fun and be less weirdThan the first two years combined!And we're gonna live forever!
JAJeff and Annie
And we're gonna sleep together!
EEveryone
And we're gonna finallyBe sunny and shinilyWe're gonna finally be fine!
[Abed is watching the sixth episode of Cougarton Abbey, a British TV show recommended to him by Britta, when everyone on the show poisons themselves, leaving Abed confused]
Uhmm...
TTroy
Britta, why did everyone on Cougarton Abbey just die?
They only ran six episodes. That's the great thing about British TV - they give you closure!
Ohh!
[Abed starts screaming, then becomes unresponsive as if he were a robot that shut down]
TTroy
No, no, no! We'll find you a new favorite show! We'll find you a new favorite show! C'mon, buddy! [to Britta] You are human tennis elbow. You are a pizza burn on the roof of the world's mouth. You are the opposite of Batman!
S3 E2Geography of Global Conflicts
Well, the real important thing is that there is a Model U.N., it doesn't really matter who starts it. It just means her name goes on some charter and she gets to put it on her resume, and lead the Greendale team to the national Model U.N., and meet Kofi Annan, Boutros Boutros-Ghali, and will.i.am.
TTroy
[Excited] Boutros Boutros-Ghali?!
CRISIS ALERT!
TTroy
How is this still happening?
I can't remember what regular air smells like.
Jeff, do something or we're gonna lose!
Guys, this is important to Annie. So whoever actually died a few months ago, fess up so we can put a stake through your heart.
[Troy, Shirley, and Pierce laugh]
Jeff!
Annie, I think the real lesson here is that a model U.N., much like the real U.N., quickly falls apart when faced with actual-
NOOOOOOO! I think the lesson here is that I need to win this! I want to win! And you! You suck! You're a stupid, ugly poopface, and I'm better than you!
Annie, stop! You're acting like a little schoolgirl, and not in a hot way!
[The audience gasps; Annie stares at Jeff in shock, then gets off the table and runs out of the cafeteria in tears]
Okay. Uh, that made me sound creepy... but-but here's the thing. [runs away]
Greetings, people of Earth Two.
AKAnnie Kim
What is this?
We represent the United Nations of Earth One, using our Switzerland's hadron collider and resources from every nation, the people of our planet have constructed a trans-dimensional gateway here.
AKAnnie Kim
They can't do this!
CProfessor Cligoris
The science works out.
We come to you with an offer. We have achieved world peace, tying our score with yours. But we are willing to concede our victory if you agree conceding yours, forming one gigantic United United Nations.
CProfessor Cligoris
We did it.
AKAnnie Kim
You're a fool. Your ultimatum is itself a technical act of aggression. If we simply refuse to recognize your authority, we still remain ahead and you lose.
But you win a simple game. The larger, symbolic victory will be ours.
AKAnnie Kim
Ooh-la-la. We refuse. I'll take the real victory.
CProfessor Cligoris
A logical, effective, common-sense move, Annie Kim, one which flies in the very face of the United Nations itself: a fundamentally symbolic organisation founded on the principles of high-minded rhetoric and empty gestures. Blue UN wins!
S3 E3Competitive Ecology
"Arizona backwards is still Arizona backwards." Maybe I was crazy, or maybe I was finally sane.
... And I needed answers like a fish needed a bicycle, bad
[To Jeff] Who the hell are you always texting?! Everyone you know is here!
TTodd
What is wrong with you people?! Huh?! I thought you were supposed to be friends! I thought you were supposed to love each other! Your love is weird! And toxic! And it destroys everything it touches! I no longer care about grades! Or Biology, or finally graduating from college like I promised my dying father. I'm going home. I'm going to hold my wife and my child close and I'm going to finally take my insulin shot! Offense taken! [Quietly] Offense taken.
S3 E4Remedial Chaos Theory
Oh, look, Indiana Jones and the apartment of perpetual viginity.
TTroy
Haha! Chop busted, fellow adult. Chop busted.
You've got a bowl of olives next to the toilet?
TTroy
It's a fancy party, Britta.
Just so you know, Jeff, you are now creating six different timelines.
I don't think you should. Chaos already dominates enough of our lives. The universe is an endless raging sea of randomness. Our job isn't to fight it, but to weather it together, on the raft of life. A raft held together by those few, rare, beautiful things that we know to be predictable.
Ropes. Vines. Vines? Let him finish!
Us. It won't matter what happens to us as long as we stay honest and accepting of each other's flaws and virtues. Annie will always be driven, Shirley will always be giving, Pierce will never apologize, Britta's sort of a wildcard from my perspective, and Jeff will forever remain a conniving son of a bitch.
[Everybody gasps]
Abed!
There's 6 sides to this die, and 7 of us. He devised a system by which he never has to get the pizza.
[Jeff snickers]
Jeff! You crafty jackrabbit!
TTroy
Really? Dang, man!
Pretty low, dude. It's called "friendship"; look it up. Encarta it!
TTroy
I think we just found our pizza getter.
[the study group agrees with Troy]
Jeff': Oh, like it matters who goes.
[Jeff hits his head on the ceiling fan; everyone laughs]
What's so funny?
Karma!
TTroy
That guy sucks harder than the toilet of an airplane bathroom.
Airplane bathroom...
Oh, my pies!
[singing] Roxanne!
SBShirley & Britta
[singing] You don't have to put on that red light!
Those days are over!
You don't have to tear your body to the night!
[to Abed] I really love your place!
You should move here.
[Jeff comes back with the pizza and notices everyone dancing and singing]
You see what happens when I leave you guys alone?
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