[in the study room of the "Darkest timeline"] To Pierce. May he rest in Pierce. [Chuckles as she pours some wine on Pierce's empty chair]
Shirley, don't you think you've had enough?
[Britta gasps]
Guys, I've been thinking about that night over and over, and one thing has become clear: this is the darkest and most terrible timeline.
Enough with the timeline crap, Abed! Pierce got shot in the leg and died, Shirley is a drunk, Annie is locked in a mental ward because her guilt drove her insane, Jeff lost an arm in the fire, Troy lost his larynx because for some dumb reason he tried to destroy a flaming troll doll by eating it!
[speaking through a device connected to his throat] Clearly you don't understand anything about defeating trolls.
Life has gone to hell, Abed! This is real! Look at us, look at me!
Britta, you put one wash-away blue streak in your hair, and I lost an arm.
All because Jeff rolled a one.
Oh, I love how this is my fault somehow.
It's mine. I've run through that night over and over in my head and I keep coming back to one thought: I should've caught the die and not let you roll it. I failed to do that and we all suffered for it. But I'm gonna make it up to you. [gives everyone in the study group a black piece of felt]
Of all the timelines, this is clearly the darkest; which is why I propose we commit to being evil. I've made ourselves black goatees out of felt; I suggest you put 'em on until you're able to grow your own. [puts his felt goatee on] From now on, I'm Evil Abed. We're the Evil Study Group, and we have but one evil goal: return somehow to the prime timeline - the one that I stopped you from rolling that die - then we destroy the good versions of ourselves, and reclaim our proper lives.
EJEvil Jeff
[visibly angry] Evil Abed, as Evil Jeff, am I allowed to pull fewer punches with you?
EJEvil Jeff
I hate you! Shut up with your sci-fi crap! I've lost my damn arm, and you're making fake beards!
[Evil Jeff storms out of the study room followed by Evil Britta and Evil Shirley]
[Evil Troy puts on his felt goatee, Evil Abed looks at him approvingly]
ETEvil Troy and Evil Abed
[singing] Evil Troy and Evil Abed!
[Pierce has decided to do a gay bash party for his new product]
Wow, Pierce, congratulations on meeting the minimum requirement for open-mindedness.
Yeah, I'm really proud of you, you're growing up as a person.
Oh, good grief, he's not supporting gay people, they're supporting him. If Mexicans were buying his wipes he would have ridden in on a donkey.
[Jeff walks into the hospital room]
Pierce, what the hell was that?
CCornelius
That was my boy, standing up for good ol’ Hawthorne values.
All due respect, sir, I have zero respect for you.
CCornelius
Typical Welsh nonsense!
Pierce, you really wanna be like this guy? He's wearing elephant bones on his head.
CCornelius
He will be what I tell him to be because I am his father!
Listen up, Colonel Cryptkeeper. I could live a million years and I could spend every minute of it doing important things. But at the end of it all, I would only have lived half a life if I had not raised a son. This was a gift that was handed to you. You squandered it. And the reason you have so much hatred in your heart is because you're trying to fill a hole where your kid was supposed to go, and now it's too late. Now, you're just stomping around trying to prove you exist. Well, mission accomplished! But here's a question I'd like to pass on to you from every son of every crap dad that ever lived: "So what?!" I'm done with you. He's done with you. The world is done with you.
[Cornelius promptly has a heart attack and collapses]
Come on in. He's a Hawthorne. This is what they do. He's bluffing.
[during Cornelius' funeral]
Pierce, listen, I just wanna say...
Did you know that the Canadian mallard is the only water fowl that bites his father's head off on his way out of the womb?
That is definitely not true.
I don't know. I looked it up on the Wikipedia.
Pierce, um... I just wanna say...you know...sorry for killing your dad.
Don't blame yourself; he bought a lot of his organs from questionable sources.
The Dean had his seventh epiphany today, which has given me an epiphany of my own: the Dean is a genius. He has to be. If he isn't, then I've given almost two weeks of life to an idiot; that is unacceptable. Therefore, the Dean is a genius, and I will die protecting his vision.
Are you by any chance familiar with Stockholm syndrome?
Is it something that the Dean created? Because if not, I don't care.
[Jeff, wearing a bald cap, took up the role of Dean Craig Pelton for the commercial of Greendale Community College]
Pierce mistook me for the Dean today.
How did that make you feel?
I've become a stranger to myself. I'm bald now. I've always been bald. I merely dreamt of having hair, and now, the bald man is awake.
Gentlemen, my name is Clarence Thaddeus Foos. My grandfather, Fletcher Morton Foos, invented this game for one purpose: to have the loudest, dumbest thing happen. Now, it has. The game of Foosball is completed. You're free to return to your undoubtedly hearing impaired families.
EGEuropean guy
Tell you what. We'll stop playing if you can score a point on us.
Tempting, but then wouldn't I be playing Foosball, if so how would I not be a loud, weird knob?
GGGerman guy
Free shot! I'm not even touching the Foosenshaft.
Sorry, Luftballons. I'm above it. [Turns away, then spins back and grabs the poles. The German guy scores a point]
GGGerman guy
I wish there was a word to describe the pleasure I feel at viewing misfortune.
What are you guys doing here on a Saturday night? Shouldn't you be making weird art movies or well-engineered cars?
EGEuropean guy
You take that back!
GGGerman guy
We came to play. Get away from our table.
We're using it, strudel-brain.
GGGerman guy
Then play us for it.
Fine! Monday morning. Only let's make it interesting: the loser never gets to use this table again.
GGGerman guy
Oh you are so on that things have now become very much like Donkey Kong.
We're gonna kick das butt.
GGGerman guy
Enough Teutonic punnery! Monday morning, you get this. [Kicks a soccer ball at Jeff like a Foosball-figure]
Were you guys walking around with a soccer ball just so you could do that? They left the ball and everything. I think they were literally walking around with it like a prop to use. It's like a $25 bit, and it's not even that good!
