Welcome back to Greendale, now ranking fifth on Colorado's alphabetical list of community colleges! Rest in peace, Bad Boy Slim's DJ School. This school owes its debt to its following heroes: Jeff Winger, a teacher so dedicated to clean energy, he's already parking his car like it's electric. Britta Perry, currently raising awareness of homelessness - not like she has a choice. Abed Nadir, who actually wrote this announcement for the sake of, as he put it, "catching everyone up". And Annie Edison, who led the effort to save Greendale from 534 critical emergencies.
Excuse me, ma'am. Is she above us or below us?
She is - Woah! I' m getting a call here, and, um, I'll have to take it. Frankie, why don't you explain what your role will be while I leave to take this call? My phone is vibrating, but it is-
In your office, which you didn't realize when you started the fake phone call move.
My phone is in my pocket, Jeffrey! I'm walking away so I can get it out, and answer it! [quietly] Let me know how it goes.
Okay, I'll just have a seat, and-
[the study group protests]
Our friend used to sit there.
I'm sorry. What about here? [gestures to Pierce's chair]
[the study group agrees]
Okay, so I took an informal survey to get a sense of how Greendale is perceived, and three themes emerged: weird, passionate and gross. In marketing, it's what we call the "Good Belushi". If I had a magic wand, I would use it to make sure that Greendale never had to grow up. I would also probably use it to cut the Magic Wand class that I noticed is actually offered here, as well as VCR Repair, a class called Ladders, and When is it Okay to Shake a Baby? In terms of hierarchy, I'm a big believer in it. Someone needs to say I'm in charge, and that person is me. That's my decision. That doesn't mean we don't work together, but all communication and decisions will go through me. I'll send out an email later to set up our next meeting.
[the study group murmurs in
[in Southern accent] Temporal?! Mutation?! In English, doc! [in normal accent] Simply put: Mr. President, in five hours, these dinosaurs will become…
…Time-osaurs. Go ahead. I can reshoot.
I’m worried you’re not distinct enough from Annie, both in terms of physicality and purpose.
I can’t determine if you have any specific flaw, quirk, or point of view that makes you a creative edition to the group.
I don’t know what that means, but I’m writing it down.
My umbrella concern is that you as a character represent the end of what I used to call “our show”, which was once an unlikely family of misfit students, and is now a pretty loose-knit group of students and teachers, none of whom are taking a class together in a school which, as of your arrival, is becoming increasingly grounded, asking questions like, “How do any of us get our money?” “When will we get our degrees?” and “What happened to that girl I was dating?” as opposed to questions I consider more important like “What is real?” “What is sanity?” “Is there a God?” “Where’s that Pierce hologram?” Jeff said last year he saw a Pierce hologram. None of the rest of us have ever seen it, so if there’s a Pierce ghost on campus, I’d like to get a head-start on busting it.
…Alright. This is the first I’ve heard that I’m a character on a show; I’m excited to be one, but I agree I’ll be a boring one. Quirks are not my strong-suit; results are. I love quirky people; I come from a big family of people who are literally insane; I moved out here to take care of one of them. But I myself am exceptionally boring, and I am quite proud to be that way, because it allows me to help the less boring people and turn quirks into results.
That’s the most interesting take on not being interesting I’ve ever heard.
As far as what I represent on your show, I wouldn’t give me or anyone else that kind of power. Good shows change…I assume. Personally, I don’t own a TV.
You’re the first person to say that that I didn’t immediately delete from my brain.
Is this what you guys want? You wanna play Cops and Robbers with costumes?
Why is that guy a carrot?
In what world, Britta, do you see this as covert enough to require tattling? You built a bar in a school! There was lumber involved! I have been letting you hole up down here because it kept you contained and satisfied. Because you are all compulsively defiant. But it wasn't enough. You had to drag Abed back in, and Abed deserves better!
It finally comes out! "Abed deserves better!"
Shut up, Leonard! I once mistook six people for you at a pharmacy!
It's not their fault, Frankie. I chose this. These are my friends. I hate emailing Diane; she can't commit to a font. It's pathological, and so am I. This is where I belong.
I know you think that, Abed, but you don't know any better.
[awkward silence]
Shut up, Leonard! You are...you are old! And you deserve less because of your age! I don't - I don't actually believe that; I'm just trying - I'm just trying to... And everyone here is a...is a fart! A livid fart from the butt of a lesser god! And I'm - I'm better than this... [Frankie leaves]
In terms of hierarchy, I'm a big believer in it. Someone needs to say I'm in charge, and that person is me. That's my decision.
EEmployer
Who talks like that? Why would anyone hire someone so pompous? Miss Dart, word of advice: start changing your personality, or start looking for companies run by insane people.
[as if on cue, Jeff and Abed burst into the room]
Fifth time's the charm. He barged into four other offices screaming, "DON'T HIRE THIS WOMAN!"
EEmployer
What the hell is going on?!
What are you doing here? How did you even find me?
I emailed Diane. She knows way too much about your schedule, by the way.
Whatever he's offering you, Greendale...well, we can't double it. We probably can't even match it. Whatever he's offering you, Greendale will give you less - and an apology.
[shushes the employer] It's not enough. But maybe if you added more apologies...
JAJeff & Abed
...We're sorry.
He deleted the serial number; Jeff, help me out here!
I don't get paid enough for this...
How much do you think you're going to get paid if I have to find five grand in the budget?
You're not the new Annie. You're the new Abed.
I don't know what that means yet.
I found the smell. Someone filed a taco. Things that will otherwise get filed straight to my thighs.
Hmm. So I know you agree with me that we need to find the truth, but...do you agree that the truth won't be horrible?
I'm not psychic, Annie; that's an illusion caused by extreme preparedness.
But...what do you hope is true?
Oh God, no. I never hope. Hope is pouting in advance. Hope is faith's richer, bitchier sister. Hope is the deformed, addict-bound, incest monster offspring of entitlement and fear. My life results tripled the year I gave up hope and every game on my phone that had to do with farming. What's true will be true, Annie. Our job is to deal with that truth.
You sound a little like Jeff.
Jeff said I sound like Abed. I wonder if Britta thinks I sound like Chang. I assume Chang thinks I sound like distant explosions and crying babies; you know he's unstable, right?
A transcript for Ruffles.
You think that's our guy?
[Frankie opens the transcript to Annie]
So many classes... [notices Annie crying] See what hope does?
I'm sorry, Annie, but I don't think you're seeing this for what it is.
It's a transcript for a dog! A really, really long one! It's proof that Jeff was right; this school has no value!
Yeah, but this folder has no degree. Look.
Victory. You know, in the context of Greendale.
The wi-fi's still broken.
What happened to "good morning"?
It's a bad morning - no wi-fi.
Jeff': Yeah, we really need wi-fi.
Okay, let's not get carried away. We need oxygen.
We have oxygen; we need wi-fi.
Britta, you saw what they did to the lunch lady. You wanna guess how much better my emails are? You want me to call a press conference and say, "now do me"?
No! I'll do it. [stands up] Let them leak me!
[stands up] I'm not letting you do this alone.
Screw it. [stands up] I'm in.
[stands up] Someone has to be the last one that stands up, and now, that someone isn't me.
[stands up] I kinda zoned out. I assume we're standing to go see Avengers?
These guys are giving hackers a bad name. [stands up] And "hacker" is already such a dumb name.
I'm not an idealist; I'm a pragmatist. And it's never pragmatic to piss you guys off, so... [stands up] Fine.
Guys, this is so inspiring. I guess...just let me know how it goes. No matter what happens, I'm with you! But don't tell anyone I'm with you; if you do, I'll deny it. But I'm with you here and now! Not literally "here and now"; right now, I'm leaving. But I will always have been with you secretly- bye.
Britta, remember that guy you were in love with, but your love was torn asunder because he was the human incarnation of a certain sandwich franchise?
Don't say it! Never say that name without compensation! I know how much that experience hurt you, which is why I'm warning you that I just saw him in the parking lot.
Breathe. The self-destructive part of you wants to run straight to him, but we need to be smarter than that, right?
Now, I have one more class, but if you could wait...[turns around] 40 minutes, I will meet-
[Britta takes off towards the parking lot]
You really picked that outfit?
It's Meridian. Keep going.
Insane. And what is your name - "Exploitia"?
Scorpio Nine! I'm a pleasure droid! No, I'm an assassin?
You're both. Keep going. She was a pleasure droid, she got turned into an assassin, she's now the daughter; that's your sister.
Get to the escape pods! And then we go! This way!
Check on Chief Star, Jeff.
[gasps] Oh no, grifters! I better watch my French fries unless... [gasps] Counterfeit! Where'd you learn to do that?
We didn't learn anything. That class is-
A ripoff? Hmm, what's another word for that?
All he did was throw his hat and make us pass briefcases.
And he kept trying to sell us stuff. Briefcase swapping talcum for "grifter's palm", briefcase hinge oil for silence switcheroos, and something called extra-believable socks. Those are actually half-off; I kind of feel like I grifted him.
So, in a sense, what happened is you took a class about grifting. And...
Jeff, do you really need us to say it? You were-
Eh, whoa, whoa! Yeah, I need you to say it. Let me just get settled. Okay, go.
[tenses up in pleasure] Yeah... Well, you live and you learn, guys. Well, you live anyway.
...And that solves the matter of the giant hand. If there's no other business-
Oh, there's some business.
Yeah, there's business. When we tie the hand to the roof, we'd like you to use extra thick straps, please.
Alright, meeting adjourned. Great. [gets stunned by Dean Pelton's taser] AAGH!
ADAbed & Dean Pelton
[chanting while dancing] Extra thick straps! Extra thick straps! Extra thick straps! Extra thick straps!
