Abed quotes from Community

Jeff

Three and a half years ago, when I came to Greendale, I met six very important people.

Dean

Ooh, burn on Britta.

Jeff

Sorry, seven. And meeting these people changed my life. Yep. I'm sorry. I don't know what to say.

Yeah, okay.

Abed

Whatever.

Jeff

I'm so used to being the guy who can talk his way out of anything, but what do you say when you don't want a way out? What you have all done for me is indescribable. It's unbelievable. And my love for you is immeasurable, even when you split it seven ways.

Abed

A repiloting can be intense. New people show up, regulars shift roles or even fall away. Season 9 of Scrubs, Zach Braff was only in the first six episodes.

Son of a bitch! After everything Scrubs did for him?

Annie

Chang was faking his Changnesia?

They seriously rehired a teacher they fired for trying to burn down the school?

Shirley

After being rehired as a security guard after being fired for impersonating a teacher?

Abed

That's insane, and I'm Abed.

Shirley

You're throwing away all your little movies. Why?

Abed

They have no value anymore.

Shirley

Well, if you're looking for something to believe in, I know a skinny little Hebrew handyman you can meet.

Abed

I'm not going to become Christian, Shirley, or a better Muslim. This was my religion. I thought the meaning of people was somewhere in here. Then I looked inside Nicolas Cage, and I found a secret. People are random and pointless.

Shirley

Well, in my religion, the whole point is that you can't understand every little thing, and you know, there's a word for people who remind you that you're not God, and invite you try a little harder. Prophets, messiahs, Kung-Fu-Pandas...

Abed

So Nicolas Cage is Jesus?

Shirley

Uh, no, but he clearly works in mysterious ways, and maybe that's just his job. And that's why critics can call him a genius or an idiot, and be right no matter what. A demon to some, and an angel to others, like a Cenobite.

Abed

Excuse me, did you just say "Cenobite"?

Shirley

Yeah, you know, Cenobite - like, from Hellraiser.

Abed

You like Hellraiser? You know the word "Hellraiser"?

Shirley

I thought Pinhead in Space was a bit of a letdown, but I'm in for the ride.

Jeff

[after hearing that his Netflix account is getting used by his colleagues] Is that why my review of The Grey keeps changing?

Abed

Yes, stop giving it four stars.

Jeff

I like Liam Neeson.

Abed

Then send him a message about the roles he chooses.

[Reading Pierce's final questions for the study group] Abed Nadir, do you know that you're insane and everything you ever said never made any sense to me?

Abed

Yep.

Here's your sperm. [The assistant positions a cylinder containing Pierce's frozen sperm in front of Abed]

Britta

I want to say something to you guys about mental health...

Jeff

Is that Britta? Is she alive?

Shirley

Why did you think she was dead?

We kinda...left her?

Annie

Left her for dead?

Abed

Sounds bad when you put it that way; can you put it in a way that sounds good?

Britta

You do realize this isn't just a pile of chairs, right? This is a crib, and you're curled up inside there sucking your thumb, because you don't want to say good-bye. Well, it's time to grow up! The adults are here, and we're gonna tear down your fort! Chairwalkers, attack! AWOOOOOOO!

AWOOOOOOOO!

Abed

Okay, we'll go into the vents. They'll never find us there.

I say we take a stand here. I mean, someone's gotta win sometime.

Abed

Not if we never kill each other. Then we can play forever.

Right! Wait, Abed, the floor can't be lava forever. The game's gotta end.

Abed

It's not a game for me, Troy. I'm seeing real lava because you're leaving, it's embarrassing. I don't wanna be crazy, but I am crazy, so... I made a game where you and everyone else see what I see. [Both look at lava] I don't want it to be there either, I swear. I want you to be able to leave, but I don't think the lava goes away until you stop leaving.

So the only way I can help you is by giving up my chance to... be one person?

Britta

You guys ready for closure?!

Of your caskets?!

Guys, stop! The lava’s real to Abed! It’s not a game to him!

Britta

Oh no…

You know what I think? I think he’s used to getting his own way. I think he’s never met me.

Abed

Clone Troy.

Clone Abed.

Abed

By the way, when I cloned you, I had to patch some missing parts of your DNA with genes from a homing pigeon. You may notice side effects, like the compulsion to come back.

Cool. Clone hug?

Britta

And do I hear correctly that as a Five, you felt you could park in handicapped spots?

Well, you see, that's just part of the Koogler style.

Britta

It's human crap style! RATE HIM!

Okay, well, that's low...

Britta

All Fives must be cleansed of their Five filth and reduced to One-ness.

Abed

Jeff! Hey! Shirley! I'm not a Five anymore; I'm like everyone else! I'm like everyone else...

Britta

Who's next?

Jeff

Alright, time to pull the plug... Oh, Great Mother of Ones, mustard-faced savior, there is still a Five hiding among us that has not been cleansed.

Britta

Nonsense. All Fives were reduced to Oneness in The Great Purge of About Two Minutes Ago.

Jeff

This Five cheats. It never registered. It was given a Five from outside the system. Behold the Meowmeowbeenz app. Its beta test ended days ago, it's now available in the App Store: 99 cents. Five stars. This Five lied to us, used us, judged us, yet exempts itself from judgement. [assorted boos] And I'm pretty sure it's selling our details to spammers because I'm getting a lot of emails, and trust me, my penis needs no enlargement.

So how do you cleanse a Five that has not been registered?

Jeff

Delete it. [the assembly of Ones deletes their apps] By the way, guys, it's a Saturday. Uh, you're all in school for nothing. Go home and get some sleep.

Britta

No! No! Wait! No, don't go! Where are you going?! No...

Annie

Flip a coin?

Abed

Coins create parallel timelines.

Annie

Rock Paper Scissors?

Abed

That's a nine-sided coin.

Annie

Guys, let's play D&D to help Hickey reconnect with his son!

Abed

Was everyone's take-away from last time that we can use D&D to reprogram brains? Nobody feels that we almost caused a suicide?

Jeff

We prevented one. Fa...bulous Neil felt like a nobody, and thanks to us, he's still out there, doing this and that in the background. [Neil walks by in the background]

Abed

A satisfying sequel is difficult to pull off. Many geniuses have defeated themselves through hubris, making this a chance to prove I'm better than all of them... I'm in!

Dean Pelton

You're here to save me, aren't you?

Britta

Let's get out of here and never look back.

Abed

Jeff, in case you have to remember me, can I give you some options for voice-over quotes?

Jeff

Shut up, Abed.

Jeff

M'lady.

Annie

M'lord.

Annie

We live to fight another day.

Abed

Speaking of days, I never got a chance to wish you a happy birthday. Or Halloween, or Christmas, or any other specific calendar event.

Annie

Well, maybe next year.

Abed

Definitely. We'll definitely be back next year. If not, it'll be because an asteroid has destroyed all human civilization. [Looks straight into camera] And that's canon.

Britta

Excuse me, ma'am. Is she above us or below us?

Dean Pelton

She is - Woah! I' m getting a call here, and, um, I'll have to take it. Frankie, why don't you explain what your role will be while I leave to take this call? My phone is vibrating, but it is-

Jeff

In your office, which you didn't realize when you started the fake phone call move.

Dean Pelton

My phone is in my pocket, Jeffrey! I'm walking away so I can get it out, and answer it! [quietly] Let me know how it goes.

Frankie

Okay, I'll just have a seat, and-

Annie

Our friend used to sit there.

Abed

She spun off.

Frankie

I'm sorry. What about here? [gestures to Pierce's chair]

Frankie

Okay, so I took an informal survey to get a sense of how Greendale is perceived, and three themes emerged: weird, passionate and gross. In marketing, it's what we call the "Good Belushi". If I had a magic wand, I would use it to make sure that Greendale never had to grow up. I would also probably use it to cut the Magic Wand class that I noticed is actually offered here, as well as VCR Repair, a class called Ladders, and When is it Okay to Shake a Baby? In terms of hierarchy, I'm a big believer in it. Someone needs to say I'm in charge, and that person is me. That's my decision. That doesn't mean we don't work together, but all communication and decisions will go through me. I'll send out an email later to set up our next meeting.