Abed[in Southern accent] Temporal?! Mutation?! In English, doc! [in normal accent] Simply put: Mr. President, in five hours, these dinosaurs will become…
Abed
…Time-osaurs. Go ahead. I can reshoot.
Abed
I have concerns.
Abed
I’m worried you’re not distinct enough from Annie, both in terms of physicality and purpose.
Abed
I can’t determine if you have any specific flaw, quirk, or point of view that makes you a creative edition to the group.
I don’t know what that means, but I’m writing it down.
Abed
My umbrella concern is that you as a character represent the end of what I used to call “our show”, which was once an unlikely family of misfit students, and is now a pretty loose-knit group of students and teachers, none of whom are taking a class together in a school which, as of your arrival, is becoming increasingly grounded, asking questions like, “How do any of us get our money?” “When will we get our degrees?” and “What happened to that girl I was dating?” as opposed to questions I consider more important like “What is real?” “What is sanity?” “Is there a God?” “Where’s that Pierce hologram?” Jeff said last year he saw a Pierce hologram. None of the rest of us have ever seen it, so if there’s a Pierce ghost on campus, I’d like to get a head-start on busting it.
…Alright. This is the first I’ve heard that I’m a character on a show; I’m excited to be one, but I agree I’ll be a boring one. Quirks are not my strong-suit; results are. I love quirky people; I come from a big family of people who are literally insane; I moved out here to take care of one of them. But I myself am exceptionally boring, and I am quite proud to be that way, because it allows me to help the less boring people and turn quirks into results.
Abed
That’s the most interesting take on not being interesting I’ve ever heard.
As far as what I represent on your show, I wouldn’t give me or anyone else that kind of power. Good shows change…I assume. Personally, I don’t own a TV.
Abed
You’re the first person to say that that I didn’t immediately delete from my brain.
Is this what you guys want? You wanna play Cops and Robbers with costumes?
Why is that guy a carrot?
In what world, Britta, do you see this as covert enough to require tattling? You built a bar in a school! There was lumber involved! I have been letting you hole up down here because it kept you contained and satisfied. Because you are all compulsively defiant. But it wasn't enough. You had to drag Abed back in, and Abed deserves better!
It finally comes out! "Abed deserves better!"
Shut up, Leonard! I once mistook six people for you at a pharmacy!
Abed
It's not their fault, Frankie. I chose this. These are my friends. I hate emailing Diane; she can't commit to a font. It's pathological, and so am I. This is where I belong.
I know you think that, Abed, but you don't know any better.
[awkward silence]
Shut up, Leonard! You are...you are old! And you deserve less because of your age! I don't - I don't actually believe that; I'm just trying - I'm just trying to... And everyone here is a...is a fart! A livid fart from the butt of a lesser god! And I'm - I'm better than this... [Frankie leaves]
In terms of hierarchy, I'm a big believer in it. Someone needs to say I'm in charge, and that person is me. That's my decision.
EEmployer
Who talks like that? Why would anyone hire someone so pompous? Miss Dart, word of advice: start changing your personality, or start looking for companies run by insane people.
[as if on cue, Jeff and Abed burst into the room]
Abed
Fifth time's the charm. He barged into four other offices screaming, "DON'T HIRE THIS WOMAN!"
EEmployer
What the hell is going on?!
What are you doing here? How did you even find me?
Abed
I emailed Diane. She knows way too much about your schedule, by the way.
Whatever he's offering you, Greendale...well, we can't double it. We probably can't even match it. Whatever he's offering you, Greendale will give you less - and an apology.
[shushes the employer] It's not enough. But maybe if you added more apologies...
Abed
Like, a montage of them?
JAJeff & Abed
...We're sorry.
Abed
The wi-fi's still broken.
What happened to "good morning"?
Abed
It's a bad morning - no wi-fi.
Jeff': Yeah, we really need wi-fi.
Okay, let's not get carried away. We need oxygen.
We have oxygen; we need wi-fi.
Britta, you saw what they did to the lunch lady. You wanna guess how much better my emails are? You want me to call a press conference and say, "now do me"?
No! I'll do it. [stands up] Let them leak me!
[stands up] I'm not letting you do this alone.
Screw it. [stands up] I'm in.
Abed
[stands up] Someone has to be the last one that stands up, and now, that someone isn't me.
[stands up] I kinda zoned out. I assume we're standing to go see Avengers?
These guys are giving hackers a bad name. [stands up] And "hacker" is already such a dumb name.
I'm not an idealist; I'm a pragmatist. And it's never pragmatic to piss you guys off, so... [stands up] Fine.
Guys, this is so inspiring. I guess...just let me know how it goes. No matter what happens, I'm with you! But don't tell anyone I'm with you; if you do, I'll deny it. But I'm with you here and now! Not literally "here and now"; right now, I'm leaving. But I will always have been with you secretly- bye.
You really picked that outfit?
It's Meridian. Keep going.
Insane. And what is your name - "Exploitia"?
Scorpio Nine! I'm a pleasure droid! No, I'm an assassin?
You're both. Keep going. She was a pleasure droid, she got turned into an assassin, she's now the daughter; that's your sister.
Get to the escape pods! And then we go! This way!
Abed
Check on Chief Star, Jeff.
[gasps] Oh no, grifters! I better watch my French fries unless... [gasps] Counterfeit! Where'd you learn to do that?
Abed
We didn't learn anything. That class is-
A ripoff? Hmm, what's another word for that?
All he did was throw his hat and make us pass briefcases.
Abed
And he kept trying to sell us stuff. Briefcase swapping talcum for "grifter's palm", briefcase hinge oil for silence switcheroos, and something called extra-believable socks. Those are actually half-off; I kind of feel like I grifted him.
So, in a sense, what happened is you took a class about grifting. And...
Jeff, do you really need us to say it? You were-
Eh, whoa, whoa! Yeah, I need you to say it. Let me just get settled. Okay, go.
[tenses up in pleasure] Yeah... Well, you live and you learn, guys. Well, you live anyway.
...And that solves the matter of the giant hand. If there's no other business-
Oh, there's some business.
Abed
Yeah, there's business. When we tie the hand to the roof, we'd like you to use extra thick straps, please.
Abed
Extra thick straps!
Alright, meeting adjourned. Great. [gets stunned by Dean Pelton's taser] AAGH!
ADAbed & Dean Pelton
[chanting while dancing] Extra thick straps! Extra thick straps! Extra thick straps! Extra thick straps!
Do you want flashy forward, or cherry and classic?
[Annie gives a beleaguered sigh]
That's a no. That beleaguered sigh means, "no, I can't have black nails".
Abed
Don't look at the camera.
You absolutely can, and we all will when our bodies decompose.
Abed
Please don't Jim the camera like that.
The color black hasn't had anything to do with death or edginess since '89. My accountant has black nails.
Don't jump on that. My accountant; it's a figure of speech.
It's a form of speech called "making things up".
[there's a knock on Abed's apartment door]
Abed
I can film you getting it.
[Frankie walks through the door holding her dress on a hanger]
ABAnnie & Britta
Frankie!
So I didn't put my wedding clothes on, like you said. So we can get dressed together and be girls together. This is gonna be fun.
[cut to Frankie's interview with Abed]
Annie and Britta told me to come over and get ready with them for Garrett's wedding. I didn't say no. Who says no to something like that? A cold, off-putting, incompatible person. The kind of person that turns a sleepover into a-a-a stoning. I had rocks thrown at me. Biblical, igneous, jagged, hateful, pointy, ninja rocks, and that's not gonna happen again.
Abed
There is skill to it. More importantly, it has to be joyful, effortless, fun. TV defeats its own purpose when it’s pushing an agenda or trying to defeat other TV, or being proud or ashamed of itself for existing. It’s TV. It’s comfort. It’s a friend you’ve known so well and for so long. You just let it be with you. And it needs to be okay for it to have a bad day, or phone in a day. And it needs to be okay for it to get on a boat with Levar Burton and never come back…because eventually, it all will.
[Britta starts crying]
Abed
I’m fine.
[sobbing] I know… It’s not just that… It’s just such a classic mistake, but…I got really attached to my pitch. I had a soundtrack in my head and everything…
Abed
I mean, what shows repeat after season 6?
Simpsons, Seinfeld, South Park, Friends...
Abed
Those shows weren't hemorrhaging characters every year.
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