Jeff quotes from Community

Pierce

You know, I've been divorced seven times. Sometimes I think I'm doing something wrong.

Jeff

You keep getting married.

Pierce

I never looked at it that way.

I'm only half Arab, actually. My dad is Palestinian, but he's a US citizen so he's not a threat to national security or anything. A lot of people want to know that after they meet him because he has an angry energy. But not like angry at America, just angry at my mom for leaving him. Although, she did leave him because he was angry and he was angry because she's American. My name's Abed, by the way.

Abed, uh, nice to know you and then meet you, in that order. Now, about that question that I asked?

Abed

Oh, uh, five after eleven when you asked.

Jeff

[spots Britta Perry in the distance] Abed.

Abed

Yeah.

Jeff

What's the deal with the hot girl from Spanish class? I can't find a road in there.

Abed

Well, I've only talked to her once while she was borrowing a pencil, but...her name is Britta, she's 28, birthday in October, she has two older brothers and one of them works with children who have a disorder I might wanna look up. Oh, and she thinks she's going to flunk tomorrow's test, so she really needs to focus and she's sorry that makes her seem cold.

Jeff

Holy crap. Abed, I see your value now. [walks away]

Abed

That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.

Jeff

You know what makes humans different from other animals?

Feet!

No, no, no, come on. Bears have feet.

Jeff

We're the only species on Earth that observes Shark Week. Sharks don't even observe Shark Week, but we do, for the same reason I can pick up this pencil, tell you its name is Steve, and go like this! [snaps pencil in two to the discomfort of the others] And part of you dies just a little bit on the inside. Because people can connect with anything. We can sympathize with a pencil, we can forgive a shark, and we can give Ben Affleck an Academy Award for screenwriting.

Pierce

Big mistake.

Got a point.

Jeff

People can find the good in just about anything but themselves. Look at me. It's clear to all of you that I am awesome, but I can never admit that because that would make me an ass. What I can do is see what makes Annie awesome. She's driven. We need driven people or the lights go out and the ice cream melts. And Pierce. We need guys like Pierce. This guy has wisdom to offer.

Pierce

The Dalai Lama and I-

Jeff

We should listen to him sometime. We wouldn't regret it. And Shirley. Shirley has earned our respect - not as a wife, not as a mother, but as a woman. And don't test her on that, because that thing about the jukebox was way too specific to be improvised. And Troy. Who cares if Troy thinks he's all that? Maybe he is. Do you think astronauts go to the moon because they hate oxygen? No, they're trying to impress their high school's prom king. And Abed. Abed's a shaman. You ask him to pass the salt, he gives you a bowl of soup because you know what? Soup is better. Abed is better. You are all better than you think you are. You are just designed not to believe it when you hear it from yourself.

Pierce

Soup?

Pierce

Of course, it didn't help any that I can't have children. I'm not sterile; in fact, it's a rare condition called hyper-virility. Apparently my sperm shoot through the egg like bullets. Can you believe that?

Jeff

I can't. But you can, so that's fine.

Pierce

[raising a glass] To the empowerage of words.

Jeff

To the irony of that sentence.

[On seeing Jeff and Pierce's presentation materials] Why are there costumes involved? These are short conversations, they're not supposed to take...

Jeff

...Your breath away? Well, tough.

Jeff

Hey, you know what today is? [Hands Britta a card] It's the two week anniversary of my horrible first impression.

Britta

There's a card for that?

Jeff

Not specifically, but if you think of grandsons as a metaphor for friendship, I think you'll agree with this Transformer here that it's time for ours to become a man, by reading from the Torah.

Where do I find Mr. Britta?

Britta

I'm Mr. Britta. That's right. I'm a woman, with rights, and you can see my whole face.

Oh, I get it, because I'm Arab I must hate women. Let me tell you something: I love women; in fact, I'm getting a major B-word vibe from you.

Jeff

Wow, I can't believe I missed out on getting involved in this!

[to Jeff] You go host American Idol. [to Britta] And you stop messing with my son, he's a special boy. I raise him, OK? You don't raise him!

Britta

Raising him means letting him follow his dreams.

Dreams are for sleeping.

Britta

You don't know that!

It's clinically proven!

Britta

So's Polio!

You lost me!

Jeff

Are you going to take the class?

Abed

Oh, can't. My dad will only pay for classes that will help me run the family restaurant. It's been struggling since 2001. 9/11 was pretty much the 9/11 of the falafel business.

Jeff

Hey, Troy sneezes like a girl!

And how bout I pound you like a boy! That didn't come out right.

Abed

I'll have to make some adjustments to my film. Jeff, I think you should play the role of my father.

Jeff

I don't want to be your father.

Abed

That's perfect. You already know your lines.

Britta

You know, he needs a little spending money.

Jeff

All money is spending money.

Professor Whitman

Had I not already cried at the sunrise this morning, I would be weeping right now.

Jeff

What does that mean!

Britta

I'm just worried that he's thinking a little bit more intensely about this thing than I am. He says stuff, you know, after...

Jeff

...school?

Britta

After...

Jeff

...dinner mints?

Britta

After...

Jeff

...not having sex?

Listen, I wanted to ask you about that young lady in your Spanish class. You know, the blonde, with the pouty, strident, Cate Blanchett sexuality, and the ridiculous name.

Jeff

Britta.

That's it. Can you imagine living with that? Can you imagine? Unbelievable. Anyway, um, are you two an item, and if so, would that item be impervious to sabotage?

Jeff

You know, you have the savoir faire of a hyena. How is that that you and James Bond come from the same island?

Message received. I'll just wait for you to finish striking out first.

Jeff

Cheers.

Abed

M*A*S*H.

Fawlty Towers. Game over. Have a nice day.