Jeff quotes from Community

Dean

Now, Jeffrey, I beg you not to take this risk. You know what they say: Fives have lives, Fours have chores, Threes have fleas, Twos have blues, and Ones don't get a rhyme because they're garbage!

Jeff

Craig, I got this.

Britta

And do I hear correctly that as a Five, you felt you could park in handicapped spots?

Well, you see, that's just part of the Koogler style.

Britta

It's human crap style! RATE HIM!

Okay, well, that's low...

Britta

All Fives must be cleansed of their Five filth and reduced to One-ness.

Abed

Jeff! Hey! Shirley! I'm not a Five anymore; I'm like everyone else! I'm like everyone else...

Britta

Who's next?

Jeff

Alright, time to pull the plug... Oh, Great Mother of Ones, mustard-faced savior, there is still a Five hiding among us that has not been cleansed.

Britta

Nonsense. All Fives were reduced to Oneness in The Great Purge of About Two Minutes Ago.

Jeff

This Five cheats. It never registered. It was given a Five from outside the system. Behold the Meowmeowbeenz app. Its beta test ended days ago, it's now available in the App Store: 99 cents. Five stars. This Five lied to us, used us, judged us, yet exempts itself from judgement. [assorted boos] And I'm pretty sure it's selling our details to spammers because I'm getting a lot of emails, and trust me, my penis needs no enlargement.

So how do you cleanse a Five that has not been registered?

Jeff

Delete it. [the assembly of Ones deletes their apps] By the way, guys, it's a Saturday. Uh, you're all in school for nothing. Go home and get some sleep.

Britta

No! No! Wait! No, don't go! Where are you going?! No...

Annie

Guys, let's play D&D to help Hickey reconnect with his son!

Abed

Was everyone's take-away from last time that we can use D&D to reprogram brains? Nobody feels that we almost caused a suicide?

Jeff

We prevented one. Fa...bulous Neil felt like a nobody, and thanks to us, he's still out there, doing this and that in the background. [Neil walks by in the background]

Abed

A satisfying sequel is difficult to pull off. Many geniuses have defeated themselves through hubris, making this a chance to prove I'm better than all of them... I'm in!

Shirley

I know how much you feel for the campus, Jeff. I know how much you feel in general, and I know you think it's a weakness, but believe me. It's your strength.

Jeff

You got something in your teeth.

Shirley

Mhm. You got something in your chest.

Annie

We need to make people aware that Greendale exists and needs help.

Why?

Annie

Because once the Internet knows about something, it changes.

Jeff

Right. Just ask Chris Brown or China.

Jeff

Hey.

Britta

Hey.

Jeff

So...what are you gonna do?

Britta

I'm thinking I'm gonna transfer to City College, but I'm knowing I'm gonna be a bartender. You?

Jeff

Subway offered me a job.

Britta

Nice! [quick pause] I'm worried about Abed and Annie. They're not ready for this to end.

Jeff

Yeah, they're part of the "adulthood begins at 30" generation. I'm...I'm actually looking forward to a little bit of-

Britta

Sanity?

Jeff

Yes! Sanity. Yeah, I mean, it's over, but on the other hand, it's over.

Britta

Amen. And to think, this all started because you wanted to-

Jeff

Nail you. [chuckles] Yeah, I regret nothing.

Britta

Don't. I mean, after everything that's happened here, what did either of us get done aside from each other?

Jeff

Exactly, and what are either of us gonna be leaving...with...?

Britta

"Um...I should go clean out my locker," she said at the age of 33...

Jeff

Let's get married.

Britta

What?

Jeff

Yeah, right? I mean, this is what matters, right? This is what keeps people from being pointless! Let's do what people do. Let's get a house we can't afford, and a dog that makes us angry.

Britta

And dedicate an entire cabinet to grocery bags and realize we have a favorite brand of olive oil?

Jeff

Yes; marry me.

Britta

Okay, yeah.

Britta

Yeah...uh, yeah, this feels...right. Let's get out of here and never look back.

Jeff

Yeah, but first, let's lock these doors and pull these shades. We've never had sex on the new table.

Britta

Yes, two for two! Medium roughness, high tempo?

Jeff

Let's make it a number eight.

Dean Pelton

BURIED TREASURE!

Annie

So we're trapped in here forever. Or at least until we run out of food and water.

Jeff

At least we'll have each other.

Britta

Till death do us part...

Annie

You know what? You guys can have my food and water.

Dean Pelton

You're here to save me, aren't you?

Britta

Let's get out of here and never look back.

Abed

Jeff, in case you have to remember me, can I give you some options for voice-over quotes?

Jeff

Shut up, Abed.

Jeff

M'lady.

Annie

M'lord.

Hey, after I was electrocuted, didn't you two say you were gonna get married?

Britta

Doesn't "electrocuted" technically mean "killed"?

Jeff

Do you always have to correct people like that?

Britta

Do you always have to police correcting?

Jeff

That's it; the marriage is off.

Britta

I think you mean the wedding is off.

Yeah! [they high-five]

Britta

Excuse me, ma'am. Is she above us or below us?

Dean Pelton

She is - Woah! I' m getting a call here, and, um, I'll have to take it. Frankie, why don't you explain what your role will be while I leave to take this call? My phone is vibrating, but it is-

Jeff

In your office, which you didn't realize when you started the fake phone call move.

Dean Pelton

My phone is in my pocket, Jeffrey! I'm walking away so I can get it out, and answer it! [quietly] Let me know how it goes.

Frankie

Okay, I'll just have a seat, and-

Annie

Our friend used to sit there.

Abed

She spun off.

Frankie

I'm sorry. What about here? [gestures to Pierce's chair]

Frankie

Okay, so I took an informal survey to get a sense of how Greendale is perceived, and three themes emerged: weird, passionate and gross. In marketing, it's what we call the "Good Belushi". If I had a magic wand, I would use it to make sure that Greendale never had to grow up. I would also probably use it to cut the Magic Wand class that I noticed is actually offered here, as well as VCR Repair, a class called Ladders, and When is it Okay to Shake a Baby? In terms of hierarchy, I'm a big believer in it. Someone needs to say I'm in charge, and that person is me. That's my decision. That doesn't mean we don't work together, but all communication and decisions will go through me. I'll send out an email later to set up our next meeting.

RAID!

Frankie

Is this what you guys want? You wanna play Cops and Robbers with costumes?

Jeff

Why is that guy a carrot?

Frankie

Because they ran out.

Britta

Who tattled?

Frankie

In what world, Britta, do you see this as covert enough to require tattling? You built a bar in a school! There was lumber involved! I have been letting you hole up down here because it kept you contained and satisfied. Because you are all compulsively defiant. But it wasn't enough. You had to drag Abed back in, and Abed deserves better!

Britta

It finally comes out! "Abed deserves better!"

Leonard

That's been out?

Britta

Shut up, Leonard! I once mistook six people for you at a pharmacy!

Abed

It's not their fault, Frankie. I chose this. These are my friends. I hate emailing Diane; she can't commit to a font. It's pathological, and so am I. This is where I belong.

Frankie

I know you think that, Abed, but you don't know any better.

Leonard

Whoops.

Frankie

Shut up, Leonard! You are...you are old! And you deserve less because of your age! I don't - I don't actually believe that; I'm just trying - I'm just trying to... And everyone here is a...is a fart! A livid fart from the butt of a lesser god! And I'm - I'm better than this... [Frankie leaves]

Frankie

In terms of hierarchy, I'm a big believer in it. Someone needs to say I'm in charge, and that person is me. That's my decision.

...Wait, what?

Frankie

I'm sorry...?

Who talks like that? Why would anyone hire someone so pompous? Miss Dart, word of advice: start changing your personality, or start looking for companies run by insane people.

Jeff

DON'T HIRE THIS WOMAN!

Abed

Fifth time's the charm. He barged into four other offices screaming, "DON'T HIRE THIS WOMAN!"

What the hell is going on?!

Frankie

What are you doing here? How did you even find me?

Abed

I emailed Diane. She knows way too much about your schedule, by the way.

Jeff

Whatever he's offering you, Greendale...well, we can't double it. We probably can't even match it. Whatever he's offering you, Greendale will give you less - and an apology.

Do you know-?

Frankie

[shushes the employer] It's not enough. But maybe if you added more apologies...

Abed

Like, a montage of them?

...We're sorry.

Dean Pelton

JESUS WEPT!

Frankie

He deleted the serial number; Jeff, help me out here!

Jeff

I don't get paid enough for this...

Frankie

How much do you think you're going to get paid if I have to find five grand in the budget?

Jeff

You're not the new Annie. You're the new Abed.

Frankie

I don't know what that means yet.

Jeff

Did you just try to murder me? Are you trying to murder me? You're trying as hard as you can right now to kill me. Okay, well... I guess I'll see you in class tomorrow? Guy who tried to murder me...

Oh, I'll see you in class tomorrow, Mr. Winger. I will see you...

Dean Pelton

Britta, you saw what they did to the lunch lady. You wanna guess how much better my emails are? You want me to call a press conference and say, "now do me"?

Britta

No! I'll do it. [stands up] Let them leak me!

Annie

[stands up] I'm not letting you do this alone.

Frankie

Screw it. [stands up] I'm in.

Abed

[stands up] Someone has to be the last one that stands up, and now, that someone isn't me.

[stands up] I kinda zoned out. I assume we're standing to go see Avengers?

Elroy

These guys are giving hackers a bad name. [stands up] And "hacker" is already such a dumb name.

Jeff

I'm not an idealist; I'm a pragmatist. And it's never pragmatic to piss you guys off, so... [stands up] Fine.

Dean Pelton

Guys, this is so inspiring. I guess...just let me know how it goes. No matter what happens, I'm with you! But don't tell anyone I'm with you; if you do, I'll deny it. But I'm with you here and now! Not literally "here and now"; right now, I'm leaving. But I will always have been with you secretly- bye.