Jeff quotes from Community

Britta

Psychology tells us there are no accidents.

Jeff

What about car accidents, Tara Reid, or the Hindenburg?

Dean

The perfect mix of low intellect, limited ambition, and limitless parental support.

Jeff

So, a rich dum-dum who will never graduate and keep dropping money into the school indefinitely. Got it.

Jeff

You're really doing this? Look, as someone who faked being a lawyer for seven years, I appreciate your commitment to the bit, but just admit you were wrong.

Britta

So you can say I Britta'd it?

Jeff

Yes, of course. That goes without saying. But come on, it was a small mistake. Call this off before it becomes a full-scale "Brittastrophe." I coined that.

Britta

There are so many clouds; it's so dark!

I can't even see the Landing Strip, or any of the other nudie bars!

Shirley

Oh, Heaven help us!

Annie

We must be miles above the ground!

Pierce

That's international airspace. We're literally above the law! Jeff can marry any man he wants.

Jeff

Wait a second guys, I think we're starting to go down.

Shirley

[to Britta] You see, prayer works.

Britta

So does gravity, Shirley.

Shirley

And you know who invented gravity, right?

Jeff

I found the perfect girl for me, and then I met her kid. [starts singing]

Britta

I am an activist,

Annie

I was struggling in history,

I caused the Greendale fire of '03

Pierce

I never slept with the great Eartha Kitt

This secret inside me,

Jeff

And now, my most terrible secret is out

Annie

Look at us! Our group's first grown-up Christmas party. Thanks for hosting. I hope you don't mind I brought a few things just to make the place look a little less short-term corportate housing.

Jeff

Oh, well, mi casa es su art project.

Jeff

What is this?

Annie

Oh, I know we said no gifts, but I couldn't resist.

Jeff

You realise you've just put your friends in a very awkward position. A gift creates obligation.

Annie

I don't see it that way.

Jeff

Well, I do, and I think the others will too.

Shirley

[knocks on the door and comes in] Merry Christmas! I know we said no gifts, but I couldn't resist.

Jeff

Oh, who couldn't have seen that coming?

Shirley

Oh, Annie, I love what you did with the place.

Annie

It's a work in progress.

Good tidings, fellow Christmas celebrators. And to all a good wassailing.

Britta

I know we said no gifts, but we couldn't resist.

Jeff

There is a real problem with resistance in this group.

Abed

Freaky Friday. Oh, Troy, you are so thoughtful. I wish I had the capacity for sentimentality like you do.

Me? I wish I was more like you. No emotional hang-ups, endless cool adventures. You have it so easy.

Abed

No, you do, Troy!

No, you do, Abed!

I wish I could switch places with you for just one day!

Shirley

Oh...

[appearing] Sorry. Routine light-switch check.

I thought that would work.

Jeff

Yeah, we're all floored it didn't.

Abed

But, Jeff, it's a graduation gift. You see, on the surface we seem like just a group of people from diverse backgrounds who have become unlikely friends. But according to my research, our paths have crossed many times. We were destined to meet, like a team of superheroes. This is our origin story.

Jeff

And here we go. Abed, we don't have origin stories. We have lives. Well, at least... [looks around the table] Yep, just me.

Jeff

Three and a half years ago, when I came to Greendale, I met six very important people.

Dean

Ooh, burn on Britta.

Jeff

Sorry, seven. And meeting these people changed my life. Yep. I'm sorry. I don't know what to say.

Yeah, okay.

Abed

Whatever.

Jeff

I'm so used to being the guy who can talk his way out of anything, but what do you say when you don't want a way out? What you have all done for me is indescribable. It's unbelievable. And my love for you is immeasurable, even when you split it seven ways.

Jeff

These are lyrics from songs from Dave.

Annie

Who?

Jeff

Dave Matthews... oh, excuse me for being alive in the 90's and having two ears connected to a heart!

Jeff

[after hearing that his Netflix account is getting used by his colleagues] Is that why my review of The Grey keeps changing?

Abed

Yes, stop giving it four stars.

Jeff

I like Liam Neeson.

Abed

Then send him a message about the roles he chooses.

Britta

I want to say something to you guys about mental health...

Jeff

Is that Britta? Is she alive?

Shirley

Why did you think she was dead?

We kinda...left her?

Annie

Left her for dead?

Abed

Sounds bad when you put it that way; can you put it in a way that sounds good?

Britta

You do realize this isn't just a pile of chairs, right? This is a crib, and you're curled up inside there sucking your thumb, because you don't want to say good-bye. Well, it's time to grow up! The adults are here, and we're gonna tear down your fort! Chairwalkers, attack! AWOOOOOOO!

AWOOOOOOOO!

Jeff

I guess it could use a little something, theme-wise.

I have an idea. [everyone turns around] Bear down for midterms.

Jeff

What?

Bear down for midterms.

You can't just repeat it, you need to explain yourself.

Isn't she great? She's everything I love about America. Bold, opinionated, just past her peak. And starting to realize she that she has to settle for less. And the moment she needs a shoulder to cry on, BAM! [pulls out handkerchief] Huh? The Duncan handkerchief.

Jeff

Well, I'm out. Have fun circling my former lover, waiting for her to cry. I tried to make that sound good, but, uh, that’s what you’re doing.