Sam Malone quotes from Cheers

Sam

My life isn't fun anymore. It's because of you.

Diane

Because of me?

Sam

Yeah, you're a snob.

Diane

A snob!

Sam

Yeah, that's right.

Diane

Well, you're a rapidly aging adolescent.

Sam

Well I would rather be that than a snob.

Diane

Well I would rather be a snob.

Sam

Good because you are.

Sam

Well I guess I've, uh, I've never looked at your eyes.

Diane

Is something wrong with them?

Sam

No I uh, I just don't think I've ever saw eyes that color before. Matter of fact I don't think I've ever seen that color before. Yes I have, yes I have.

Diane

Where?

Sam

I was uh, I was on a ski weekend, up at Stowe. I uh, was coming in late one day – uh, last person off the slope – the sun had just gone down. And the sky became this incredible color. I usually don't uh, notice things like that, and I found myself kind of walking around in the cold, hoping that it wouldn't change; wishing that I had someone there to share it with me. Afterwards I tried to convince myself I had imagined that color; that I hadn't really seen it. Nothing on this earth could be this beautiful. Now I see I was wrong. [Pause] Wouldn't work, huh?

Diane

What?

Sam

Intelligent women would see right through that.

Diane

Oh...oh! In a minute!

Sam

How did you know that?

Diane

Well I picked it up in pre-law.

Sam

I thought you were an English major.

Diane

Well that was after art and before psychology.

Sam

Is there anything you weren't in college?

Carla

Blonde.

Diane

Check the yearbook, Carla.

[trying to get Carla to react] Sam Malone was a terrible pitcher! Ted Williams was overrated! Bobby Orr was a WIMP!

Sam

Uh, Eddie, Eddie, I'd stay away from hockey.

Aha! I hit a sore spot, huh? Okay. [to a still-calm Carla] The Bruins… are a bunch of ugly… stupid… SISSIES!!!

Sam

Come on, Ed! I mean, how much more do you need?

[sighs] Okay, Sam. I'm gonna drop the whole thing. Working here is punishment enough!

Diane

I'm sorry I was late, Sam. Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?

Sam

Yeah, yeah but you wouldn't.

Diane

Sam, this could be a crucial moment in your life. It is vitally important that you handle your emotions properly. The worst thing that anyone in a situation like this could do right now is to repress his feelings.

Sam

[calmly] Diane, get out. Please?

Diane

You need to lash out, to release yourself. Scream.

Sam

[screams at the top of his lungs] Get out!

Diane

Wonderful. All right. Now, we need now to move away from the brute gut release of emotions into the more cerebral. Tell me in one sentence what you perceive to be your problem right now.

Sam

You won't leave.

Diane

Let's come back to that...

Diane

You're offended because she thought you were a scum bag?

Sam

No. I actually like that.

Diane

[about her friend, Rebecca] Sam. That woman over there is a dear friend of mine. Now she is going through a very difficult period. So whatever she asks you, please, just say no.

Sam

[confused] What?

Diane

No.

Rebecca

[approaching Sam and Diane] Diane?

Diane

Yes?

Rebecca

Would you excuse us a moment?

Diane

Fine.

Rebecca

Would you object to joining me in my hotel room for a afternoon of wild animal passion?

Sam

[loudly so that Diane can hear] No!

Sam

What's your name?

Rebecca

Does it matter?

Sam

[loudly so that Diane can hear] No!

Diane

You're offended because she considered you nothing but a stud service?

Sam

No. I actually like that.

Sam

Say didn't we used to have a weekly Elizabethan poet night?

Norm

It started getting too rowdy.

Cliff

I remember the night you were charged with practicing iambic pentameter without a license.

Diane

You know, Sam. If I am to serve both as a waitress and the butt of jokes I think I should make more money.

Carla

Yeah, what does a good butt make in this town?

Sam

[to Diane] We all know that you'd starve to death before you made a living with your body.

Diane

What could happen?

Sam

Oh nothing, oh nothing. Two women left alone who hate each other in a room filled with glass and alcohol.

Diane

[talking about how Sam was able to make the beer slide around the corner of the bar] Okay, how do you do it?

Sam

Well it's just one of my two hidden talents. The other one is just as impressive.

Diane

But you can hardly charge a buck for it.

Sam

Oh, sir, save your quarter. That piano hasn't worked in twenty years.

Carla

Use the jukebox. It doesn't work, either, but it's only a dime.

Norm

[about the player piano] Sammy, why do you keep something around here that doesn't work?

Carla

[about Diane] Because no one else will give her a job.

Sam

When I played baseball, I mean I used to get quoted all the time. I mean, reporters used to hang around my locker just waiting for me to say something intelligent.

Diane

I know the feeling.