Scoutmaster Lumpus quotes from Camp Lazlo

Lumpus

What badge am I missing?

The Handy Helper badge.

Lumpus

And that means to earn that badge, I'll have to ...

Help someone.

Lumpus

Help someone?! [screams] NO!

What are you doing, sir?

Lumpus

I'm simply too valuable to waste away at this miserable excuse for a camp. The real world needs someone with my can-do spirit, my intellect.

But, sir, why leave when you could just stay, earn your badge, and be done with it?

Lumpus

Because the man know the real world doesn't need badges or Grand Legume, Slinkman.

Lumpus

Goodbye, Camp Kidney, you old pile of logs. Real world, here I- [runs over by a truck]

Sir!

Lumpus

Just one of the hazards of the real world, Slinkman. Here, a man must pick himself up and- [runs over by an ice cream truck]

Sir, it wouldn't be easier to just earn the badge?

Lumpus

Easier? Yes, Slinkman, but not a man in the real world would do. [runs over by a car]

Yes, but I wonder if you were cut out for the real world, sir.

Lumpus

Cut out for it? Why, tailor made is more like- [runs over by a moped] Ow! That one actually hurt a little.

Please, reconsider, sir. But... [looks back as Lumpus was run over by objects from the real world]

Lumpus

[after getting hit multiple times] Slinkman.

Sir?

Lumpus

Okay, who I gotta help?

Lazlo

Scoutmaster Lumpus, I think I broke my leg!

Lumpus

We'll cut it off later!

Raj

Scoutmaster Lumpus, I need some advice.

Lumpus

Here's some advice, cut the funny accent. [Clam is about to say something] Press it!

Lumpus

Today, we take part in the time-honored tradition of placing relics of today into time capsules to be opened by future generations of tomorrow. What do you got?

[holding an alarm clock] Time for the time capsule! [places it in the capsule]

Lumpus

Next! [screams when he sees Wilbert with big red lips] Bee sting?!

[removes the lips, revealing they were actually wax lips] Wax lips.

Lumpus

[smacks his forehead and groans] Next!

We're ready!

Chip

For the future!

Lumpus

Next.

Lazlo

[arrives] Hey, Scoutmaster Lumpus.

Lumpus

What is it, kid?

Lazlo

Did you have a time capsule back when you went to Camp Kidney?

Lumpus

[flatly] Mmm-hmm.

Lazlo

Wow! So what did you put in it?

Lumpus

My youth.

Lazlo

How 'bout you, Slinkman?

Raj

What did you put in it?

Clam

Slinkman put in?

Raj

But why do we have to catch a snipe?

Lumpus

Never mind.

Clam

What does it look like?

Lumpus

Who (knows, who) cares?

How do you feel now, sir?

Lumpus

How do I feel? [jumps onto the table and dances] More importantly, how do I look?

Why, you look thinner already.

Lumpus

Yeah, heh, heh-- what?

The McMuseli low-cal fat-free food-free weight-loss meal plan never fails to shed…

Lumpus

[grabs him by the shoulders; savagely] YOU PSYCHOTIC SALAD SPINNER!

Pounds.

Lumpus

I'm trying to gain weight!

Gain weight?! I can't handle such insanity! He is not of this world!

Lumpus

[frantically] I got to get some real food! I got to get out of here!

[crying] Don't judge me for crying fellas. DON'T YOU DARE JUDGE ME!!! Wahhahah!

Lazlo

I think someone needs a vacation.

Vacation? What's a...vacation?

Lazlo

You don't even know what a vacation is? [drops mouth open in surprise]

Raj

Come on, Lazlo. Maybe Nurse Leslie comes from Europe where vacations are known as holidays.

Look, you idiots, I know what a vacation is. I just never had one.

Lazlo

Well, everyone can have a vacation. Including you.

Oh, yeah? Well, tell that to Scoutmaster Lumpus.

Lazlo

[calling out] Scoutmaster Lumpus?!

Lumpus

[relaxing on the beach chair] What?!

Lazlo

Can Nurse Leslie take vacation?!

Lumpus

[surprised] We have a nurse?

Lazlo

[to Nurse Leslie] See? It'll be fine.

Now, I'm going to open up the request lines. [phone rings] Hello? And what would you like to hear tonight?

Lumpus

Turn off that racket! You're driving me crazy!

You got it, baby. Here it is. "Turn Off That Racket, You're Driving Me Crazy." [puts on the song]

[singing]

Lumpus

My old cabin could sure use an upgrade. Dum-dum, dum-dum, DUUMM. [destroys the old cabin model to show the upgrade model] Oh, the official scoutmaster upgrade? Well yes of course I know I deserve it for keeping my temper and Roman quota for three years and running. [Slinkman knocks the door as he hide models] What?! [Chip and Skip are crying] Slinkman. Why are they weeping?

Because Skip and Chip’s camp dues haven't been paid up in months. I have no choice but to send them home to their three nannies [throws backwards the notebook] it’s scout regulations.

Chip

We love camp. [crying]

Skip

We don't want to go home. [crying]

Lumpus

[worried] Home? Slinkman. We can't send them home. [angry] If we do it will ruin my hill Roman streak. [getting worried] And I won't get my cabin upgrade.

Officially, the only way they can stay is if they have jobs, here in camp to pay off what they owe.

Lumpus

[being happy] YES JOBS! Problem solved.

Skip

What do you recommend? [Chip fills all the tray from rice] It needs something. [thinks what needs, meanwhile a fly dies by the insects killer and falls into the tray. he soon speaks to Chip] You’re a genius [although the dead fly do this]

Lazlo

Ugh... [walks backwards disgustedly]

Raj

I'm not hungry anymore.

Clam

We might throw up.

Lumpus

[annoyed] OH, I'LL TAKE THAT! [chews the tray and throws up off-screen]

[Lumpus gets in crying] Are you hurt, Scoutmaster?

Lumpus

[sadly] Paper cut!

Where? [the phone rings] Huh, there goes the phone. You boys can bandage him up, right? [Lumpus sounds like a hurted puppy dog] You'll be fine. [speaking to the phone] Look how many times do I have to tell you mechanics what to do with my car? I'm going to take you through it step by step for the last time so listen up.

Chip

Hey Nurse Leslie, we bandaged him. What else should we do?

Step one: open the hood.

Chip

Open the hood. [Chip and Skip hurting Scoutmaster Lumpus]

Then lift the engine.

Chip

Lift the engine. [staying hurting Scoutmaster Lumpus]

Now remove and reattach the hose. [Lumpus screams and runs away in panic, because Chip and Skip did too bad] Get out.

Lumpus

FLIP AND DIP!

Yeah?

Lumpus

MOVE THAT MOUNTAIN!

Yes, Sir.

[pointing Lumpus] Really, all this for a cabin upgrade.

Lumpus

[screams and tries to leave but the last mountain squashes Lumpus] Ow!

Lazlo

[wearing Lumpus's scoutmaster hat] I've always wanted to wear this!

Lumpus

I don't look like that.

Dave

Yes?

Lumpus

Hello, there. I need some newspaper for the bottom of my birdcage. The latest issue of The Bean!, perhaps.

Dave

Your bird isn't even alive!

HELP! HELP! My inflatable "Puffy the Pouffy Pony" is loose and floating out with the current! Help! Save Puffy!

Lazlo

[to Lumpus (disguised as Scooter)] Scooter, I think the perfect last test for you would be to swim out and retrieve Puffy the Pouffy Pony for um… uh…

[points to his name tag] Ted.

Lazlo

…For Ted here.

Lumpus

[in disguise] That's all I have to do? Get Puffy the Pimple-Popper, or whatever he is, and then I can peruse the paper?