Scoutmaster Lumpus quotes from Camp Lazlo

Lumpus

I'm going to brush my teeth. [walks towards his cabin]

Edward

[to the campers] Do you think we should tell him who's toothbrush he used to clean the latrine?

Lumpus

I don't know, why you don't just go in the lake.

Lazlo

The Lake [his eyes are watering. He jumps in and urinates in the lake]

I don't swim in your toilet, so please don't whiz in my home.

Lazlo

[sucks up the urine and runs off] Sorry!

Edward

Ta da! [no one didn't pay attention to him] Some people just had no class. Is someone gonna take my cloak or am I just gonna stand here all day?

Glad to, Edward. [takes Edward's Cloak]

Edward

This is what I'm talking about.

Nice cape.

Edward

It's a cloak, you peasant.

[imitates Edward] Look at me. I'm the king of Camp Kidney.

Edward

I know where you live, freak! You stain my cloak, you buy my cloak. Capisce? [give Chef McMuesli the note] Chef McMuesli. Chef McMuesli. Look what I got.

Chef McMuesli

Oh it's Edward Day Huh?

Edward

Go ahead, McMuesli. Surprise me.

Chef McMuesli

[imitates Edwars] Give me my lunch and make it snappy, broccoli breath!

Edward

Just give me some lunch, will ya?

Chef McMuesli

[still imitating Edward] Coming right up! One macaroni surprise! Next!

Edward

[sits right next to Samson] You have the honor of sitting with me, peasant.

Samson

[imitates Edward] What do you want to see me? Get sick or something?

Edward

[annoyed] Listen up people. I don't know what you think you're all doing. You should be worshiping me! [everyone imatates Edward] Enough already! I hear by declare Edward Day finished!

Edward

Alright, who's the wise guy? Well, where are ya?

Clam

Well, where are ya?

Edward

Wha? [everyone likes Clam's impersonation of Edward] You're supposed to worship me, not imitate me!

Clam

You're supposed to worship me, not imitate me!

Edward

GRRRR!!!

Clam

GRRRR!!

Edward

That's it!

Clam

That's it!

Edward

[walks out of the Mess Hall] I'm gonna end Edward Day once and for all! [plays the bedtime bugle]

Clam

So I say to the guy "what am I, a duck?"

Raj

It's bedtime already?

Lumpus

[from the window] Trying to nap here!

Edward

That's the bedtime bugle, Lumpus. Go back to bed!

Lumpus

Oh, daylight savings time, huh? Well, keep it down anyway!

Edward

There. problem solved. Edward Day is officially over.

Lumpus

[after the steak grows a little bigger; shocked] What happened?!

Lazlo

It must be the growth hormones.

Lumpus

Growth hormone?

♪ Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell... ♪ [throws his banjo off-screen] Howdy, partners!

Howdy to you!

Bet you're feelin' hungry.

You know that we do!

Well, my name is Deputy Doodle-Doo. Make the best frozen dinners especially for you! [A pie gets placed on the table and then cuts to him coming out of a saloon] But if you don't believe me or you think it's a lie... [the pie on the table bursts open and a baby chick pops out] There she blows!

Try our chicken pot pie!

Big ol' chunks of chicken with gravy. All wrapped up in a deep-dish prairie-style pie. [four pies with arms and legs dance behind him] But if you don't believe me or you think it's a lie... [the chick pops out of the pie] There she blows!

Try our chicken pot pie!

Available in your local frozen food section. Additional gravy sold separately. Get some now.

Lumpus

Will do!

Lazlo

[as Bill passes by] Check out this piece of work.

Lumpus

Hey! Why the long face? [he and Lazlo both laugh, nudging each other]

Lazlo

Good one.

Lumpus

Move along.

Lazlo

Watch this. [to Edward] Doofus says "What?"

Edward

What? [realizes he's been tricked; growls in annoyance] Real mature, Lazlo. [storms off]

Lazlo

[after seeing the billboard about Camp Dinkey] Hmm. A camp made just for me? What would that be like? It could be anything I want. It could have a sign, a flagpole, a mess hall, a bunch of cool campers! [claps his hands and pictures a camp exactly like Camp Kidney] And the best part of all, a scoutmaster!

Lumpus

Lazlo! It's bad enough I got to spend reality with you! Leave me out of your twisted fantasies! [claps his hands as the lights went out]

Lazlo

Camp Dinkey is awesome!

Lumpus

Get a rope.

Sir?

Lumpus

We'll need one to get the bus out.

Oh, yeah, right.

Lumpus

[playing the keytar] Let me tell you about a dude... [murmuring while playing] ...who can be a bit... [key line] ...rude. He'll get you some.... [pause]

Food.

Lumpus

FOOD! And maybe a...hot dog or something. [stops playing the keytar] ALL RIGHT, HE'S OUTLAW! LUMPUS ALRIGHT, ME?! [the Bean Scouts looked puzzled] HERE COMES THE BRIDGE! YEAH!

Oh, it looks like it's a baby.

Lumpus

A what?

Well, a baby is like a little person, who will one day grow up to be a big person.

Lumpus

Sweet mother of science, what will they think of next?

Raj

Now that was weird.

Lumpus

Son?

Raj

I think I'm going now.

Lumpus

Going but where?

Raj

Back to camp and outdoor living. I am through with gadgets.

Lumpus

[grabs Wilbert by the collar] DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?!

No!

Lumpus

I'M BORED! And you call yourself a doctor?!

Uh, no, actually I don't--

Lumpus

Nobody does anything exciting anymore! Look at these kids! They don't do anything! Look out there. This camp is all played out.

Lumpus

[relaxing on a lawn chair while enjoying his coffee] You going to tell me what you want or are you just going to stare?

It's laundry day, sir.

Lumpus

Cancel it. [stares angrily at Slinkman]

No can do, [opens a green book and flipped through the pages of how Lumpus cancels laundry day so many times] you've cancelled it so many times that there's only one more page left in the calendar.

Lumpus

Oh, really? Let me see. [rips a page out of the book and sees it] Mmm-hmm. Hmm. [crumbles the page, dip it a coffee and eats it. Then he drinks the coffee] Ahh!

Lumpus

Don't be a sucker, Slinky. Laundry is the biggest waste of time there is. Why if it weren't for the laundry, we'd have time to solve world hunger and invent time travel.

Or sleep all day on a lawn chair?

Lumpus

Oh, okay! [fall fast asleep on a lawn chair]

[shows Lumpus the children who are wearing dirty clothes] And what about the children? [off-screen] They've been wearing the same filthy clothes for weeks.

Lumpus

[wakes up] Well, when I'm feeling less than fresh, I simply turn my clothes inside out and let the breeze clean them.

Lumpus

Listen up, Beans, Say goodbye to those cotton-poly prisons called clothes. Today we break the time wasting Saul washing cycle of wash, wear and repeat, For I, Algonquin C. Genius, have invented a uniform that can be worn around the clock and never needs washing.

[off-screen] Yeah!

Lumpus

Who wants to try one on?

Edward

Does it have to be a Bean Scout uniform?

Lumpus

Not at all, choose any style you like.

Ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha!

[off-screen] Huh? [on-screen] Uhh... [went to talk to Lumpus] Mister, what in Bob's bingo is going on here?

Lumpus

Umm, what does it look like?

Like a bunch of folks wearing paint instead of clothes. [Lumpus has an unhappy expression] What color do you have?

Lumpus

[as he finishes painting the cop's clothes] And that should about...do it.

Oh man, that's perfect.

Lumpus

Kiss those dry cleaning bills goodbye.

You got any bicycle paint? [later, after Lumpus turns the cop's bicycle into a motorcycle] Oh man, I'm telling all my friends about this! [drives away]