Max quotes from Camp Camp

Max

I'm sure your past self would've been thrilled to know he ended up as a camp counselor.

David

He sure would! [pulls out a note]

[in a handwritten note] One day I hope I end up as a camp counselor.

Max

I am deeply upset that I didn't see that coming.

Gwen

I was supposed to be an influential author with a smoking-hot husband and fat stacks of cash. Instead, my ass is stuck in a trash can, I have no idea who I am, and it's too late for me!

Max

Nonsense, Gwen, you're just looking at it all wrong! Come on, I'll show you.

Ass stuck in a trash can.

Max

Right.

David

No one's going to end up a failure in life!

Campbell

Oh, kids. Of course you're going to fail! [The campers panic] For Christ's sake, will you stop screeching?! Failure is unavoidable. Like going to a baseball game and then remembering baseball is terrible! The fact of the matter is, most of you- like me- won't end up where you want to be in the future.

Neil

I fucking knew it!

Campbell

Will you stop?! [composes himself, continues thoughtfully] Here's the thing. You've got to take your failures, and make something out of them. Take Camp Campbell, for instance. A lot of poor decisions went into making this place what it is today. Sure, somewhere along the line it maybe strayed from its path, not living up to the camp it wanted to be. At some point, the Camp realized it would never reach the end of its path until it was ready, or until it gave up! So, if the Camp wanted to keep embezzling money and dealing with foreign powers, so be it! But, at some point, it didn't anymore. I never saw this coming, but I'm starting to think this camp is the best it's ever been.

Nurf

Woah. I had no idea this camp had so many complex emotions.

Max

So maybe there's no need to rush anything. Sorry, Gwen.

Gwen

Yeah, well. I guess dusting off some of those writing samples could make for some good practice.

Nikki

Maybe the time capsules aren't scary commitments to the future, but are actually just proof of how we've grown since childhood.

Neil

Or maybe they're a waste of fucking energy. All in favor of striking this Camp activity from the roster forever?

Campbell

I don't know what happened here today, David, but whatever it was, [drops the box he's holding in the fire] I'm glad I was here to be a part of it.

David

Did you just throw your treasury bonds in the fire?

Campbell

Oh, my God, WHAT'VE I DONE?!

David

Nobody knows what's gonna happen tomorrow, or the day after that. It could be good, bad- total surprise. One day, you're at a summer camp you hate. The next, you don't want to leave. One day, everything is running smoothly. The next- boy. Max, this is Gwen's last summer at Camp Campbell.

Max

What?

David

She got an offer she couldn't refuse.

Max

Like- the Mob?

David

Like a job.

Max

Right. Continue.

David

I could never have kept this place running without Gwen. Heck, I couldn't be here with you now if it wasn't for her. If I can't find someone new, if I can't do this on my own, there may not be a next summer after all.

Max

So- what're you gonna do if things don't work out?

David

I don't know. But, whether they do or they don't, one of these days I'm going to close up Camp for the last time. So the more I can make of what I have today, the more I can walk away with when it's gone. That's all I want for you kids, Max. To have something to take with you.

David

Is that coming from-?

Max

Obviously.

David

Ooh, can you believe it? We're back for a whole new summer!

Max

Yep, it's really, truly horrifying.

David

Oh, Max, you must be a little excited to see the other campers!

Max

You know what? I am. [David gasps in excitement] This camp sucks, but you know what else sucks? Life out there; family, school, crumbling society... These assholes are way more fun!

David

...I'll take it!

Max

Though, I guess Gwen is gone, and Campbell won't be around to involve us in his "illegal schemes", but overall, it'll be the same.

Yup! Exactly the same.

David

[chuckles] C.J.! I... couldn't help but notice you made some [looks at C.J.'s outfit style] modifications to your counselor uniform. Well, you know what they say, the lower the "V", the higher the SPF. It gets hotter every year thanks to... climate change.

[chuckles] I don't touch that stuff.

David

Sun... screen?

Climate change. Or sunscreen. Full of chemicals. Here, take these supplements, [holds up a bottle and throws two of them to David and Max] it'll make your skin wet, the sun HATES. It also skyrockets your libido and um... [points at David's hair] stimulates hair growth. [David gasps and covers his hair in fear]

Max

This dynamic will be fun to exploit.