Jonathan Levinson quotes from Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Jonathan

This is actually a new category. First time ever. I guess there were a lot of write-in ballots, and, um, well, the prom committee asked me to read this... We're not good friends. Most of us never found the time to get to know you, but that doesn't mean we haven't noticed you. We don't talk about it much, but it's no secret that Sunnydale High isn't really like other high schools. A lot of weird stuff happens here.

Jonathan

But whenever there was a problem or something creepy happened, you seemed to show up and stop it. Most of the people here have been saved by you, or helped by you at one time or another. We're proud to say that the Class of '99 has the lowest mortality rate of any graduating class in Sunnydale history... [applause from the crowd]... And we know at least part of that is because of you. So the senior class offers its thanks, and gives you, uh, this. [produces a glittering, miniature umbrella with a small plaque attached to the shaft] It's from all of us, and it has written here, "Buffy Summers, Class Protector."

Jonathan

Go away!

Buffy

Never gonna happen.

Jonathan

You think I won't use this?

Buffy

I don't know, Jonathan. I just –

Jonathan

Stop doing that!

Buffy

Doing what?

Jonathan

Stop saying my name like we're friends! We're not friends! You all think I'm an idiot! A short idiot!

Buffy

I don't. I don't think about you much at all. Nobody here really does. Bugs you, doesn't it? You have all this pain and all these feelings, and nobody's really paying attention?

Jonathan

You think I just want attention?

Buffy

No. I think you're up in the clock tower with a high-powered rifle because you wanna blend in. Believe it or not, Jonathan, I understand about the pain.

Buffy

You know what? I was wrong. You are an idiot. My life happens to, on occasion, suck beyond the telling of it. Sometimes more than I can handle. And it's not just mine. Every single person down there is ignoring your pain because they're too busy with their own. The beautiful ones. The popular ones. The guys that pick on you. Everyone. If you could hear what they were feeling. The loneliness. The confusion. It looks quiet down there. It's not. It's deafening... You know, I could've taken that by now.

Jonathan

I know.

Buffy

[holds out hand] I'd rather do it this way. [gently takes the rifle from Jonathan as he hands it to her]

Which one of you is the leader?

I am.

I will kill the leader.

[pointing at one another] He is.

I will kill you all.

Jonathan

Wait! Uh, no fair. It's not our fault the Slayer was there. We said we'd pay you, and we're gonna.

[dropping to his knees] Yes! Truly, Lord Jonathan is the wisest of us all.

Andrew

[also kneeling] Uh, yeah. Long live our noble lord and master.

Jonathan

You guys suck.

[grabs Jonathan by the throat] You can't pay me with paper, tiny king. You pitted me against the Slayer. For that, I must kill you.

Then I will suck dry your bones and use them to beat your subjects to death.

What the hell is that?

Andrew

Death Star, dude! Wicked, huh?

Jonathan

Uh, thermal exhaust port's above the main port, numbnuts.

Andrew

For your information, I'm using the Empire's revised design from Return of the Jedi.

Jonathan

That's a flawed design!

Andrew

[awed] The Slayer touched you.

Jonathan

Yeah, it was sexy the way she touched me real hard with her fists.

Buffy

So you three have, what? Banded together to be pains in my ass?

We're your arch-nemesises...ses. You may have beaten us this time, Slayer, but next time... um... uh, next time...

Jonathan

Maybe not!

Buffy

I give you my arch-nemesis...ses...ses.

I just, I wanted us to be together!

There is no us, Warren! Get that through your big meaty head! I am not your girlfriend anymore!

Jonathan

She's your ex?

Andrew

Dude, that is messed up.

Oh, you think? You bunch of little boys, playing at being men. Well, this is not some fantasy, it's not a game, you freaks! It's rape!

Jonathan

We're risking everything so that Charles Atlas can get a date? He's going to end up getting us thrown into jail. Or worse. Maybe you and I should think about--

Andrew

Warren's the boss. He's Picard, you're Deanna Troi. Get used to the feeling, Betazoid.

Don't worry babies, daddy gonna give you some too.

Xander

See, now I think it's the daddy thing that's throwing her, 'cause incest, not that sexy.

Andrew

Think they'll let my aunt bring me my Discman?

Jonathan

That's what you worried about? In-flight entertainment? We're in jail!

Andrew

We're in custody. We haven't been charged yet.

Jonathan

Thank you, Dragnet. It doesn't matter what they call it, they got us, okay? We're going down. [lowers his voice] That guy's been looking at me. I think he wants to make me his butt monkey.

Jonathan

Wish I'd have stayed in Mexico.

Andrew

Ah, I didn't like it there. Everyone spoke Mexicoan.

Jonathan

You could've learned it. You learned the entire Klingon dictionary in two and a half weeks.

Andrew

That had much clearer transitive and intransitive rules, okay? Besides, I can't keep having those nightmares.

Jonathan

Me neither. Desde abajo te devora.

Andrew

"It eats you, starting with your bottom."

Jonathan

Gonna make it right.

Andrew

We're outlaws with hearts of gold.