Andrew Wells quotes from Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Xander

Potential Slayers can function without sleep. Me, I'm no good without my usual 90 minutes.

Andrew

I'm with him. Keep the chatter down! Or speak up so I can hear you... I'm bored. Episode I bored.

Rona

Um... why is that guy tied to a chair?

Xander

The question you'll soon be asking is, "Why isn't he gagged?"

Andrew

Ow! Watch it, that's my joystick hand.

Xander

I'm not gonna touch that one.

Buffy

You try anything, try to run---did you ever see the movie Misery?

Andrew

Six times. But the book was scarier than the movie, 'cause instead of crushing his foot with a sledgehammer, Kathy Bates chops it off with...

Andrew

I'll be good.

Andrew

I think a guy slayer would be badass. Like--like if there was this ninja, a guy slayer would be like, "you may be silent, but this'll shut you up." Hiya.

Dawn

Buffy could stomp ninja ass.

Buffy

We need to stick together, okay? We're stronger that way. We cannot afford to fall apart now.

Andrew

She's right. Where would the Justice League have been if they hadn't put their differences aside to stop the Imperium and his shape-shifting alien horde?

Buffy

Don't help me.

Buffy

Looks good, doesn't it? They're trapped in here. Terrified. Meat for the beast, and there's nothing they can do but wait. That's all they've been doing for days, waiting to be picked off, having nightmares about monsters that can't be killed. But I don't believe in that. I always find a way. I'm the thing that monsters have nightmares about. And right now, you and me are gonna show 'em why. It's time. Welcome to Thunderdome.

Andrew

Two men enter. One man leaves.

Dawn

This? You planned this. Letting the barrier fail, bringing us here. You and Buffy.

Rona

It's killing her!

We have to do something.

Willow

Wait.

Buffy

[after defeating the Turok-Han] See? Dust. Just like the rest of 'em. I don't know what's coming next, but I do know it's gonna be just like this: hard, painful. But in the end it's gonna be us. If we all do our parts, believe it, we'll be the ones left standing. Here endeth the lesson.

Andrew

Plucked from an ordinary life, handed a destiny

Xander

Say Skywalker, and I smack ya.

Andrew

It's like--well, it's almost like this metaphor for womanhood, isn't it? The sort of flowering that happens when a girl realizes that she's part of a fertile heritage stretching back to Eve, and-

Xander

I'll pay you to talk about Star Wars again.

Andrew

Yes, it was in Buffy's underwear drawer. She has nice things.

Show me.

Andrew

Well, I didn't take 'em, but there were thongs and regular underpants-

Willow

What happened?

Xander

What do you think happened? Another demon woman was attracted to me.

Xander

I've decided I'm turning gay. Willow, gay me up. Come on, let's gay.

Willow

What?

Xander

You heard me. Just tell me what to do. I'm mentally undressing Scott Bakula right now. That's a start, isn't it?

Andrew

[wistfully] Captain Archer... [nods]

Xander

Come on, let's get this gay show on the gay road. Help me out here.

Buffy

Andrew is our... actually, he's our hostage.

Andrew

I like to think of myself more as a "guest-age".

Andrew

Ouch! My goodness! Things look bad for the Slayer, don't they? She didn't see that second vampire, concealed by cover of darkness, ready--

Andrew

... ready to attack and make her his own vampirical spawn.

Andrew

Let's rejoin them now to see--

For God's sakes, Andrew! You've been in here for 30 minutes. What are you doing?

Andrew

Entertaining and educating.

Why can't you just masturbate like the rest of us?

Buffy

Are you still filming me? Stop!

Andrew

But it's a valuable record. An important document for the ages. A Slayer in action.

Buffy

A nerd in pain. Would they like that? 'cause we could do that.

Andrew

There something you can see going on between Principal Wood and Spike ... sexual tension you could cut with a knife!

Spike

Hey, I told you get that thing out of my face! Now get out of here before I tear your head off!

Andrew

Spike, the light was behind you.

Spike

Oh sorry. [Takes a step forward] Hey, I told you to get that...

Andrew

You sure you don't wanna stop and pick up some burgers or something, you know, road trip food?

Spike

It's not a road trip. It's a covert operation.

Andrew

Right. Right. Gotcha... I--I bet even covert operatives eat curly fries. They're really good.

Spike

Not as good as those onion blossom things.

Andrew

Ooh, I love those.

Spike

Yeah, me, too.

Andrew

It's an onion... and it's a flower. I--I don't understand how such a thing is possible.

Spike

See, the genius of it is, you soak it in ice water for an hour so it holds its shape. Then you deep-fry it root-side up for about 5 minutes.

Andrew

Masterful.

Spike

Yeah. Tell anyone we had this conversation, I'll bite you.

Andrew

Right.

And they have no purpose that unites them, so they just drift around, blundering through life until they die, which they-they know is coming, yet every single one of them is surprised when it happens to them. They're incapable of thinking about what they want beyond the moment. They kill each other, which is clearly insane... and yet here's the thing. When it's something that really matters, they fight. I mean, they're lame morons for fighting, but they do! They never... they never quit. So I guess I'll keep fighting too.

Andrew

That was kind of beautiful. You, you love humans.

I do not.

Andrew

Yes you do. [singing] You love them.