Anya Jenkins quotes from Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Xander

Anya, you there? Look, I know you're still mad, but I figure you're probably sitting there pretending you're not home but listening anyway.

Am not.

Well maybe we shouldn't do this re-integration thing right away. See, I can take the boys home and we can all have sex together, and then, you know, just slap 'em back together in the morning.

She's joking.

No she's not! She entirely wants to have sex with us together, which is wrong and... and it would be very confusing.

Giles

We just need to arrange the candles; also, we should continue to pretend we heard none of the disturbing sex talk.

Willow

Check. Candles and pretense.

Well, what do we do if it doesn't work?

[simultaneously] Kill us both, Spock! [both laugh]

Buffy

They're... kinda the same now.

Giles

Yes, he's clearly a bad influence on himself.

Xander

I just thought you could help carry a little.

Me? [pouts] Buffy has super-strength. Why don't we just load her up, like one of those little horses?

Xander

Anya. Please.

Fine. I'm just your slave.

[to a customer who just finished her purchase] Please go.

Xander

Anya, the Shopkeepers Union of America called. They wanted me to tell you that "Please go" just got replaced with "Have a nice day."

But I have their money. Who cares what kind of day they have?

Xander

No one. It's just a long cultural tradition of raging insincerity. Embrace it.

Xander

[re: Riley's commando hand movements] What's with the hand move? D'you see that? Does that, like, mean somethin'?

Willow

It's code. I think it breaks down to "choo-choo." [mimics pulling a train whistle]

It probably means to follow him. That, or wait here for him.

Xander

Hey Riley! What's the [Mimics gesture] all about?

Riley

It means yell real loud, so the vampires who don't know we're coming will have a sporting chance.

Hey. Hey! HEY! HEY!!!

Giles

Anya, your "heys" are startling the customers.

Xander

And pretty much the state!

You sold somebody a Kohl's amulet and a Sobekian bloodstone!

Giles

Yes, I believe I did.

Are you stupid or something?

Giles

Allow me to answer that question with a firing.

Xander

She's kidding. An, we talked about the employee-employer vocabulary no-nos. That was number five.

Xander

Just once I would like to run into a cult of bunny worshippers.

Great! Thank you very much for those nightmares.

Willow

Something evil crashed to earth in this and then broke out and ... slithered away to do badness.

Giles

In all fairness, we don't really know about the slithered part.

Oh, no. I'm sure it frisked about like a fluffy lamb.

Dawn

Alone time always translates into let's get Dawn out of the house so we can have loud, obnoxious sex.

[to Xander] Does that mean we can't?

That's so very humorous. Make fun of the ex-demon! I can just hear you in private: [speaking to a chicken foot] "I dislike that Anya. She's newly human and strangely literal."

Willow

Anya, I don't say that. No one says that. No one talks that way.

Well, I get to run the store, right?

Giles

[alarmed] You? Ah, w-well, it's quite a lot for one person to take care of.

Willow

We can come by between classes. Usually I use that time to copy over my class notes with a system of different colored pens, but it's been pointed out to me that that's, you know, insane.

Tara

I said "quirky."

Giles

Um, Anya, while, while I completely trust you uh, uh, to take care of the inventory and the money, um ... dealing with people requires a certain, uh ... finesse.

[angrily] I have finesse! I have finesse coming out of my bottom! I can completely lie to the health inspector. I can, you know, distract him with coy smiles, and-and bribe him with money and goods.

Xander

See there? She'll be great.

Willow

Don't worry, Giles. I'll help her take care of everything. It'll be ship-shape. Better, it'll be shop-shape.

Willow

Trying to send him to a specific place is sort of like, like... trying to hit a puppy by throwing a live bee at it. Which is a weird image and you should all just forget it.

It's possible that he's in the land of perpetual Wednesday, or the crazy melty land, or, you know, the world without shrimp.

Tara

There's a world without shrimp? [pause] I-I'm allergic.

Buffy

Where did you send him?

The land of the trolls. He'll like it there. Full of trolls.

Willow

It's hard to be precise, though. Alternate universes don't stay put. Trying to send him to a specific place is sort of like, like... trying to hit a puppy by throwing a live bee at it. Which is a weird image, and you should all just forget it.

It's possible that he's in the land of perpetual Wednesday, or the crazy melty land, or, you know, the world without shrimp.

Tara

There's a world without shrimp? [pause] I-I'm allergic.

Willow

He's probably in Troll Land.

Buffy

I only care that he's not here, and I got this nifty souvenir.

Buffy

Oops...

Xander

The place is trashed enough anyway.

Willow

Well, you know what they say, the bigger they are-

The faster they stomp you into nothing.

Joyce

I think we're just about ready for pie.

Xander

And then I'll be pretty much ready for barf.

Buffy

Xander!

Dawn

Gross.

Xander

You know, barf from the eating. 'Cause all was good and too much goodness.

Joyce

I'm taking it as a compliment.

Giles

Yes, everything was delicious.

Yes. I'm going to barf, too.

Joyce

Everyone's so sweet.

Xander

How you doin' there, Will? Are you in the vomit club, too?

Willow

[groans] I had too much nog.

Tara

Oh, baby. Want me to rub your tummy? She likes it when I... uh, s-stop explaining things.

Dawn

My nog tastes funny. I think I got one with rum in it.

Willow

That's... bad.

Xander

Yeah! Now Santa's gonna pass you right by! Naughty boozehound.

Willow

Santa always passes me by. Something puts him off. Could be the big honkin' menorah.

I mean, it's a myth that it's a myth. There is a Santa Claus.

Xander

The advantage of having a thousand-year-old girlfriend. Inside scoop.

Tara

There's a Santa Claus?

Mm-hmm. Been around since, like, the 1500s. But he wasn't always called Santa. But with, you know, Christmas night, flying reindeer, coming down the chimney -- all true.

Dawn

All true?

Well, he doesn't traditionally bring presents so much as, you know, disembowel children. But otherwise...

Tara

The reindeer part was nice.