Anya Jenkins quotes from Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Oz

Some quality treats here, Giles.

Giles

Please finish them.

Buffy

This is much better. There is no problem that cannot be solved by chocolate.

Willow

I think I'm gonna barf.

Buffy

Except that.

What?

Xander

That's your scary costume?

Bunnies frighten me.

Giles

Oh, bloody hell. The inscription.

Buffy

What's the matter?

Giles

I should've translated the Gaelic inscription under the illustration of Gachnar.

Buffy

What's it say?

Giles

"Actual size."

Buffy

With Mom at Aunt Darlene's this year, I'm not getting a Thanksgiving. Maybe it's just as well.

Well, I think that's a shame. I love a ritual sacrifice.

Buffy

It's not really a one of those.

To commemorate a past event, you kill and eat an animal. It's a ritual sacrifice... with pie.

I inflicted a lot of putrefying diseases on men when I was an avenging demon, you look like you're getting all of them.

Xander

Okay, I'll stay. But you should go, you could catch it.

We'll die together. It's romantic... Help me get your trousers off.

Xander

You're a strange girlfriend.

I'm a girlfriend?

Xander

Oh, there's a chance I'm delirious.

Ah, yes. Well, whatever it is that's making you sick, so far I like it.

Xander

If you don't know how I feel about -

I don't. This isn't a relationship! You don't need me. All you care about is lots of orgasms.

Xander

OK... remember how we talked about private conversations? How they're less private when they're in front of my friends?

Spike

Oh, we're not your friends. Go on.

Giles

Please don't.

Willow

Guess she's out with Riley. You know how it is with a spanking new boyfriend.

[offhandedly while stacking her chips] Yes, we've enjoyed spanking.

Buffy

That would never happen.

Willow

Well no, Buff, that's why they're called cartoons, not documentaries.

Giles

Must we have the noise? My head is splitting.

Willow

Well, look who's cranky bear in the morning.

Giles

Yes, I can't imagine why I didn't sleep well in my beach ball.

Everytime you moved, it make squeaky noises. It was irritating.

Giles

Really? I'm surprised you could hear it over your Wagnerian snoring.

Buffy

Okay, you guys. Could we not, please? Everything's screwed up enough without you two doing scenes from my parent's marriage.

Sorry.

Giles

Sorry.

Buffy

Thank you.

Willow

It'll be okay, Buffy. Riley's just confused, that's all.

Buffy

I don't know. Just seems like things could get heavier. His whole world's falling apart.

And after everything you've been through with Angel. You know, you really sould get yourself a boring boyfriend, like Xander. You can't have Xander.

Buffy

That was the idea. Riley was supposed to be Mr. Joe Guy. We were gonna do dumb things like hold hands through the daisies, going "Tra-la-la."

Willow

Poor Buffy, your life resists all thing average.

So dump him. But you can't have Xander.

Buffy

I'll try and remember that. It's too late, anyway. I'm already at the "I hurt when he hurts, I smiles when he smiles" stage.

I hate that part.

Buffy

I'll just have to make it work.

Xander

Turn on the TV. Now!

Sunnydale is still reeling from news of the crime. A source in the coroner's office tells us that the boy was stabbed with what looks like some kind of large skewer, and his body was then mutilated. Police have not named a suspect, and the killer is still at large.

Buffy

The Polgara demon had a skewer in its arm. That's the one that Maggie insisted we bring back alive.

Giles

She must have sent it after you.

Buffy

And it got distracted. God.

Willow

Buffy, it's not your fault. How could you know?

Giles

She's right. You mustn't blame yourself.

Buffy

I'm not going to. I'm going to the crime scene to see what I can find out. You guys research the Polgara demon. I want to know where it is. When I find it, I'm going to make it pay for taking that kid's life. I'll make him die in ways he can't even imagine. [uncomfortable pause] That probably would have sounded more commanding if I wasn't wearing my yummy sushi pajamas.

Buffy

But someone could wish the whole world to be different, right? That's... possible?

Sure. Alternate realities. You could, uh, could have, like, a world without shrimp, or with, you know, nothing but shrimp. You could even make, like, a freaky world where Jonathan's like some kind of not-perfect mouth-breather, if that's what's blowing up your skirt these days. Just don't ask me to live there.

Buffy

I'm not entirely sure that we can trust our memories. Anya, tell them about the alternate universes.

Oh, okay. Say you really like shrimp a lot or we could say you don't like shrimp at all. "Blah, I wish there weren't any shrimp" you'd say to yourself-

Buffy

Stop! You're saying it wrong. I think that Jonathan may be doing something so that he's manipulating the world and we're all, like, his pawns.

Or prawns.

Buffy

Stop with the shrimp! I'm trying to do something here.

Riley

These spells, they really work? I mean, can you really turn your enemies inside out? Or... learn to excrete gold coins.

That one's not so much fun.

Willow

They work, Riley, but they take concentration. Being attuned with the forces of the universe.

Xander

Right, you can't just go librum incendere and expect --

Giles

Xander, don't speak Latin in front of the books.

Xander

Buffy and Riley are trapped.

So? She's a Slayer, he's a big soldier boy. What do they need you for?

Xander

Anya, look around: there's ghosts and shaking and people are going all Felicity with their hair. We're fresh out of super-people and somebody's gotta go back in there. Now, who's with me?

Spike

I am. I know I'm not the first choice for heroics, and Buffy's tried to kill me more than once, and I don't fancy a single one of you at all, but... Actually, all that sounds pretty convincing. [walks off.] I wonder if Asian House is open.

Oh.

Willow

Wow.

Xander

Um, could we go back to the haunted house? Cause, this is creeping me out.

Tara

Does he do this a lot?

Xander

[sarcastic.] Sure. Every day the earth rotates backward and the skies turn orange.

Willow

Now I remember why I used to have such a crush on him.

Tara

Well, he is pretty good.

His voice is... pleasant.

Xander

[incredulous.] What?!

Willow

Oh, come on, he is kinda sexy.

Xander

I'm fighting total mental breakdown here, Will. No more fueling the fire, please.

Giles

When you called to Buffy and Riley didn't cry out or respond in any way.

No, they're probably dead.

Xander

Unless they're too busy doing it to answer.

Giles

Doing what?

Xander

You know, for a god of acoustic rock you're... kind of naive.

Giles

I didn't think you meant... In the midst of all that? Do you really think they were keeping it up?

Giles

Oh, for different phrasing.

Giles

I believe we're dealing with a kind of poltergeist. A whole cluster of them, in fact, born out of intense adolescent emotion and sexual energy.

Both of which were totally pent up during Mrs. Holt's reign of repression.

Xander

So with Buffy and Riley having... you know, acts of nakedness 'round the clock lately, maybe they set something free. Like a big, bursting poltergasm.

Riley

I can't believe it really happened.

Buffy

I just had no idea. It's so creepy. He was really singing?

Xander

I'd say it was more like crooning. If we grow old together, remind me to skip the midlife crisis.

Okay.

Willow

Come on, you have to admit, it was kind of sexy.

Xander

Please stop saying that. I'm willing to offer cash incentives.

Riley

We're just lucky no one got injured. No thanks to us.

Willow

Don't be too hard on yourself.

Buffy

He's right, Will. If Riley and I hadn't, gotten so wrapped up in each other, none of this would have happened.

True. Feel shame.

Xander

My girlfriend, mistress of the learning plateau.

Willow

Really, it wasn't your fault. You were under the influence of powerful magicks.

Buffy

We were like zombies. I had no control over myself at all.

Willow

It must have been horrible.

Buffy

Yeah. Horrible.

Riley

Uh-huh.

Buffy

Mm-hmm.

Riley

It was bad.

Crap! Look at this. I'm burdened with a husband, and several tiny pink children, and more cash than I can reasonably manage...

Xander

That means you're winning.

Really?

Xander

Yes. Cash equals good.

Oh! [claps] I'm so pleased! Can I trade in the children for more cash?