Rupert Giles quotes from Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Giles

It may be that we are all that stands between the Earth and utter destruction.

Buffy

Well, I gotta look on the bright side. Maybe I can still get kicked out of school.

Xander

Oh, yeah, that's a plan. Cause lots of schools aren't on Hellmouths.

Willow

Maybe you could blow something up. They're really strict about that.

Buffy

I was thinking of a more subtle approach, ya know, like excessive not studying.

Giles

[to himself as the others are walking away] The Earth is doomed.

Giles

Why should someone want to harm Cordelia?

Willow

Maybe because they met her? Did I say that?

Giles

This is madness. What could you have been thinking? You are the Slayer. Lives depend upon you. I make allowances for your youth, but I expect a certain amount of responsibility, instead of which you enslave yourself to this-this... cult.

Buffy

You don't like the color?

Giles

This is madness. What could you have been thinking? You are the Slayer. Lives depend upon you. I make allowances for your youth, but I expect a certain amount of responsibility, instead of which you enslave yourself to this-this... cult?

Buffy

You don’t like the color?

Giles

I don't... Do you, um... do you ignore everything I say, as-as a rule?

Buffy

No. I believe that's your trick. I told you, I'm trying out for the cheerleading squad.

Giles

You have a sacred birthright, Buffy. You were chosen to destroy vampires, not to... wave pom poms at people. And as the Watcher, I forbid it.

Buffy

And you'll be stopping me how?

Giles

Well, I... By appealing to your common sense, if such a creature exists.

Buffy

I will still have time to fight the forces of evil, okay? I just... want to have a life. I want to do something normal. Something safe.

Giles

God, every day here is the same.

Buffy

Bright, sunny, beautiful. However can we escape this torment?

Giles

This computer invasion that Willow's performing on the coroner's office... One assumes it is entirely legal?

Buffy

[in unison] Of course.

Willow

[in unison] Entirely.

Giles

Right. Wasn't here. Didn't see it. Couldn't have stopped you.

Giles

[about Owen's book selection] Oh, Emily Dickinson.

Buffy

We're both fans.

Giles

Yes, she's quite a good poet. I mean for a...

Buffy

[defensively] A girl?

Giles

For an American.

Willow

Buffy has a really important date.

Buffy

Owen!

Giles

All right, I-I'll just jump in my time machine, go back to the twelfth century and ask the vampires to postpone their ancient prophecy for a few days while you take in dinner and a show.

Buffy

Okay, at this point you're abusing sarcasm.

Giles

Well, you know what they say; ninety percent of the vampire slaying game is, is waiting.

Buffy

You couldn't have told me that ninety percent ago?

Giles

Xander's taken to teasing the less fortunate?

Buffy

Uh-huh.

Giles

And, there's been a noticeable change in both clothing and demeanor?

Buffy

Yes.

Giles

And, well, otherwise all his spare time is spent lounging about with imbeciles.

Buffy

It's bad, isn't it?

Giles

It's devastating. He's turned into a sixteen-year-old boy. Of course you'll have to kill him.

Willow

I heard the vice principal's taking over until they can find a replacement.

Buffy

Well, it shouldn't be too hard to find a new principal. Unless they ask what happened to the last one.

Xander

Okay, but I had nothing to do with that, right?

Buffy

Right.

Willow

You only ate the pig.

Xander

I ate a pig? It was he cooked and called bacon or... oh, my God, I ate a pig? I mean, the whole trichinosis issue aside, yuck.

Buffy

Well, it wasn't really you.

Xander

Well, I remember going on the field trip, and then going down to the hyena house. And next thing, some guy's holding Willow, and he's got a knife.

Willow

You saved my life.

Xander

Hey, nobody messes with my Willow.

Buffy

This is definitely the superior Xander. Accept no substitutes.

Xander

I didn't do anything else, did I? Around you guys? Anything embarrassing?

Buffy

Nah.

Willow

Not at all.

Buffy

Come on, we're gonna be late.

Willow

See you at lunch.

Xander

Cool. Oh, hey? Going vegetarian, huh?

Giles

I've been reading up on my, uh, animal possession, and I cannot find anything anywhere about... memory loss afterwards.

Xander

(chuckles) Did you tell them that?

Giles

Your secret dies with me.

Xander

Shoot me, stuff me, mount me.

Giles

I'm just going to stay and clean up a little. I'll be back in the Middle Ages.

Jenny

Did you ever leave?

Xander

Are we over-reacting? He's in a computer, what can he do?

Buffy

You mean besides convince a perfectly nice kid to try and kill me? I don't know. How about mess up all the medical equipment in the world?

Giles

Randomize traffic signals.

Buffy

Access launch codes for our nuclear missiles.

Giles

Destroy the world's economy.

Buffy

I think I pretty much capped it with that nuclear missile thing.

Giles

Right, yours was best.

Jenny

Honestly, what is it about them that bothers you so much?

Giles

The smell.

Jenny

Computers don't smell, Rupert.

Giles

I know. Smell is the most powerful trigger to the memory there is. A certain flower, or a a whiff of smoke can bring up experiences long forgotten. Books smell musty and-and-and rich. The knowledge gained from a computer is a - it, uh, it has no no texture, no-no context. It's-it's there and then it's gone. If it's to last, then-then the getting of knowledge should be, uh, tangible, it should be, um, smelly.

Buffy

Oh, great. A book.

Giles

Oh, I, uh, I haven't gone through the new arrivals. Uh, put it in-in that pile.

Here, I'll get it.

Buffy

Oh. Thanks, Dave. Willow pile.

Giles

Uh, uh, when I've examined it, you can, uh, uh, skim it.

Jenny

Scan it. Rupert, that's "scan it."

Giles

Of course.

Jenny

Oh, I know our ways are strange to you, but soon you will join us in the 20th century, with three whole years to spare.

Giles

Ms. Calendar, I'm sure your computer science class is fascinating, but I happen to believe that one can survive in modern society without being a slave to the, um, idiot box.

Jenny

That's TV. The idiot box is TV. This is the good box.

Giles

Well, I still prefer a good book.

The printed page is obsolete. Information isn't bound up anymore. It's an entity. The only reality is virtual. If you're not jacked in, you're not alive.

Jenny

Thank you, Fritz, for making us all sound like crazy people. Fritz-Fritz comes on a little strong, but he does have a point. You know, for the last two years, more e-mail was sent than regular mail.

Giles

Hmm.

Jenny

More digitized information went across phone lines than conversations.

Giles

Yeah, well, that is a fact that I regard with genuine horror.

Jenny

I'll bet it is. All right, guys, let's wrap it up for today.

Willow

I've just got a few more. I'll hang for a bit.

Jenny

Cool. Thanks.

Willow

Xander, you want to stay and help me?

Xander

[chuckles] Are you kidding?

Willow

Yes. It was a joke I made up.

Xander

[chuckles] Willow, I love you, but bye.

Willow

See you tomorrow.

Xander

Buffy, wait up.

Giles

I-I'm just going to stay and clean up a little. I'll, uh, I'll be back in the Middle Ages.

Jenny

Did you ever leave?