Willow Rosenberg quotes from Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Buffy

But I would do a lot better if you and Xander and I could do that "sharing our misery" thing tonight.

Willow

Great. I'll give Xander a call. What's his number? Oh, yeah 1-800-I'm-Dating-A-Skanky-Ho.

Buffy

Meow!

Willow

Thanks, I haven't gotten a "Meow" before.

Oz

You mean... you'd still...

Willow

Well, I like you. You're nice, and you're funny, and you don't smoke. Yeah, okay, werewolf, but that's not all the time. I mean, three days out of the month, I'm not much fun to be around either.

Oz

You are quite the human.

Willow

So I'd still, if you'd still.

Oz

I'd still. I'd very still!

Willow

Okay. No biting, though.

Oz

Agreed.

Oz

Huh. A werewolf in love.

Willow

Don't be so jumpy... I've been in your bed before.

Xander

Yeah, but Will, we were both in footy pajamas.

Buffy

It's so weird. Every time something like this happens, my first instinct is still to run to Angel. I can't believe it's the same person. He's completely different from the guy that I knew.

Willow

Well, sort of, except ...

Buffy

Except what?

Willow

You're still the only thing he thinks about.

Buffy

Homework.

Willow

It's my way of saying get well soon.

Buffy

You know, chocolate says that even better.

Willow

I did all your assignments. All you have to do is sign your name.

Buffy

Chocolate means nothing to me.

Willow

I'm good at medical stuff, since Xander and I used to play doctor all the time.

Xander

No, she's being literal. She used to have all these medical volumes, and diagnosed me with stuff. I didn't have the heart to tell her she was playing it wrong.

Willow

Wrong? Why? How did you play doctor?

Buffy

I... never have.

Buffy

Impulsive? Do you remember my ex-boyfriend, the vampire? I slept with him, he lost his soul, now my boyfriend's gone forever, and the demon that wears his face is killing my friends. The next impulsive decision I make will involve my choice of dentures.

Willow

Okay, the Angel thing went badly, I'm on board with that, but that's not your fault. And anyways, love isn't always like that. Love can be... nice!

Xander

Last month he's the freak with jicama breath who waxes his back. He wins a few meets and suddenly inherits the cool gene?

Cordelia

Well, all I know is, my cheerleading squad wasted a lot of pep on losers. It's about time our school excelled at something.

Willow

Hmm. You're forgetting our high mortality rate.

Xander

We're number one!

Xander

That is wrong. A big fat spanking wrong. It's a slap in the face to every one of us who studied hard and worked long hours to earn our Ds.

Cordelia

Xander, I know you take pride in being the voice of the common wuss, but the truth is, certain people are entitled to special privileges. They're called winners. That's the way the world works.

Xander

And what about that nutty "all men are created equal" thing?

Cordelia

Propaganda spouted out by the ugly and less deserving.

Xander

I think that was Lincoln.

Cordelia

Disgusting mole and stupid hat.

Willow

Actually, it was Jefferson.

Cordelia

Kept slaves. Remember?

Buffy

So, something ripped him open and ate out his insides?

Willow

Like an Oreo cookie, well, except for, you know, without the... chocolatey cookie goodness.

Willow

So we're looking for a beastie.

Giles

That, uh, eats humans whole, except for the skin.

Buffy

This doesn't make any sense.

Xander

Yeah, the skin's the best part.

Buffy

Any demons with high cholesterol? [Giles looks at her] You're gonna think about that later, mister, and you're gonna laugh!

Buffy

I wouldn't break out the tartar sauce just yet. It's not like you were exposed more than once. Twice?

Xander

Three times a Fish Guy.

Oh.

Cordelia

Whoa!

Xander

What am I gonna do?

Cordelia

You, you, you! What about me?! It's one thing to be dating the lame unpopular guy, but it's another to be dating the Creature from the Blue Lagoon.

Xander

Black Lagoon! The Creature from the Blue Lagoon was Brooke Shields. And thank you so much for your support!

Buffy

I think we'd better find the rest of the swim team and lock them up before they get in touch with their inner halibut.

Xander

Let's see, I got to take a makeup chem test at 3:00. And then I'm meeting some of the guys for plasma transfusions at 5:00. It's turned into quite the busy afternoon.

Buffy

The fun never stops with you, does it?

Willow

Giles seems pretty confident that the treatments are gonna work.

Xander

Well, turning into a creepy-crawly wasn't on my top ten list of thing to do before I turn 20.

Cordelia

I want you to know that you've really proven yourself to me. And you don't have to join the new team next year if you don't want. I'd be just as happy if you played football.

Giles

The-the people from animal control have just left. Our creatures have apperently made a-a dash for it. Um, so to speak.

Willow

Does that mean we're gonna have to hunt them again?

Buffy

No, I don't think so. I don't think we'll be seeing them anymore.

Giles

Where do you think they'll go?

Buffy

Home.

Principal Snyder

Are we having a chair shortage?

Willow

I didn't read anything about... oh, [slides off Oz's lap] I get it.

Principal Snyder

These public displays of affection are not acceptable in my school. This isn't an orgy, people. It's a classroom.

Buffy

Yeah, where they teach lunch.

Principal Snyder

Just give me a reason to kick you out, Summers. Just give me a reason. [walks away]

Cordelia

How about 'cause you're a tiny impotent Nazi with a bug up his butt the size of an emu?

Buffy

Sums it up.

Cordelia

Don't you think?

Giles

I've been on the phone with the museum, the artifact in question is missing and the curator has been murdered vampires.

Buffy

And you're sure this is the tomb of alfalfa.

Giles

Acathla, and yes the information provided by Kendra's Watcher seems conclusive.

Willow

Okay somebody explain the whole he will suck the world into hell thing because that's the part I'm not loving.

Giles

Well the demon universe exists in a dimension separate from our own, and one breath of Acathla will create a vortex a kind of whirlpool that will pull everything on earth into that dimension where any non-demon life will suffer horrible and eternal torment.

Buffy

So that would be the literal kind of sucked into hell. Neat. Willow I think you should try the curse.

Kendra

I tend to stand with your friend Xander on this one. Angel should be eliminated.

Buffy

Oh I'll fight him. I'll kill him if I have to, but if I Don't get there in time or I lose then Willow might be our only hope.

Willow

[nervously] But I don't want to be our only hope, I crumble under pressure, lets have another hope.

Kendra

We have. [pulls out a sword] Blessed by the knight who first slew the demon if all else fails this might stop it. [hesitantly] I think.

Giles

Oh ooh may I. [Kendra hands Giles the sword] Thank you. [examining sword] Well its only if all else fails. [to Willow] Uh uh-mm how close are you to figuring out the ritual to the curse.

Willow

Oh I need about a day, and an Orb of Thessulah, whatever that is.

Giles

Spirit vault for the undead, I've got one. I've been using it as a paperweight.

Willow

This means I can't help you study for tomorrow's final.

Buffy

Oh, I'll wing it. Of course, if we go to Hell by then, I won't have to take 'em... Or maybe I'll be taking them forever.

Willow

That's right, big boy. Come and get it.

Xander

First of all, what was with the acrobatics? How did that happen?

Oz

Wasn't Andy Hoelich on the gymnastics team?

Xander

That's right, he was! [yells at Andy] Cheater! [turns back] Okay, and the, uh, second problem I'm having -- "Come and get it, Big Boy"?

Willow

Well, w-w-well, the Slayer always says a pun, or-or a witty play on words, and, I think it throws the vampires off! And, and it makes them frightened, because I'm wisecracking. Okay, I didn't really have a chance to work on that one, but you try it every time!

Oz

Uh, if I may suggest, "This time it's personal." I mean, there's a reason why it's a classic.