Willow Rosenberg quotes from Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Xander

What, and suck all the spontaneity out of being young and stupid? I'd rather live in the dark.

Willow

You're not gonna be young forever.

Xander

Yes, but I'll always be stupid. [silence. He looks around] Let's not all rush to disagree.

Willow

There's a Slayer handbook?

Buffy

Wait. Handbook? What handbook? How come I don't have a handbook?

Willow

Is there a T-shirt, too? 'Cause that would be cool...

Giles

After meeting you, Buffy, I realized that, uh, the handbook would be of no use in your case.

Buffy

Well, what do you mean it would be of no use in my case? Wha- what's wrong with my case?

Oz

Oh, hey, animal cracker?

Willow

No, thank you. How's your arm?

Oz

Suddenly painless.

Willow

You can still play guitar okay?

Oz

Not well, but not worse.

Willow

You know, I never really thanked you.

Oz

Please don't. I don't do thanks. I get all red and I have to bail. It's not pretty.

Willow

Well then forget-that thing. Especially the part where I kind of owe you my life.

Oz

Look. Monkey. And he has a little hat. And little pants.

Willow

Yeah. I see.

Oz

The monkey is the only cookie animal that gets to wear clothes, you know that... You have the sweetest smile I've ever seen... So I'm wondering, do the other cookie animals feel sort of ripped? Like, is the hippo going, "hey man, where are my pants? I have my hippo dignity." And you know the monkey's just, [in French accent] "I mock you with my monkey pants," then there's a big coup at the zoo...

Willow

The monkey's French?

Oz

All monkeys are French. You didn't know that?

Willow

And you're loving playing nursemaid?

Buffy

Oh, yeah!

Xander

So, is it better than playing naughty stewardess?

Buffy

Oh, Will, you're supposed to use your powers for good!

Willow

I just wanna learn stuff.

Cordelia

Like how to build your own serial killer?

Xander

Uh, it's so hard to rent one nowadays.

Cordelia

I don't get it. Buffy's the Slayer. Shouldn't she have...

Xander

What, a license to kill?

Cordelia

Well, not for fun! But she's, like, this Superman! Shouldn't there be different rules for her?

Willow

Sure, in a fascist society.

Cordelia

Right! Why can't we have one of those?

Willow

Buffy's not going to jail. It's not fair.

Giles

Whatever the authorities have planned for her, it can't be much worse than what she's doing to herself. She's taken a human life. The guilt, it... it's, it's pretty hard to bear, and it won't go away soon.

Cordelia

I guess you should know, since you helped raise that demon that killed that guy that time?

Giles

Yes. Do let's bring that up as often as possible.

Xander

So, I'm Ted, the sickly loser. I'm dying, and my wife dumps me. I build a better Ted. He brings her back, holds her hostage in his bunker o' love until she dies, and then he keeps bringing her back over and over. Now, now that's creepy on a level I hardly knew existed.

Willow

The sad part is, the real Ted must have been a genius. There were design features in that robot that predate--

Buffy

Willow, tell me you didn't keep any parts.

Willow

Not any, big ones.

Buffy

Oh, Will, you're supposed to use your powers for good.

Willow

I just wanna learn stuff.

Cordelia

Like how to build your own serial killer?

Xander

Well, it's so hard to rent one nowadays.

Cordelia

Can't we just drop the subject?

Buffy

Absolutely. I plan to forget the whole thing and pick up right where we left off. Okay. That's it. I give up. Do I have to sound an air horn everytime I walk into a room? I mean, what is it with grown-ups these days?

Buffy

Did Mr. Whitmore notice I was tardy?

Xander

I think the word you're searching for is absent.

Willow

Tardy people show. And yes, he did notice, so he wanted me to give you this. [hands Buffy an egg]

Buffy

As far as punishments go, this is fairly abstract.

Willow

No, it's your baby!

Buffy

Okay, I get it even less.

Xander

You know it's the whole sex leads to responsibility thing, which I personally don't get. You gotta take care of the egg, it's a baby. You gotta keep it safe and teach it Christian values.

Willow

My egg is Jewish.

Xander

Then teach it that dreidel song.

Willow

Hey, maybe you can have Angel help you find the Gorches.

Giles

Yes! Yes, yes, that's not a bad idea. Strength in numbers.

Xander

Oh, right. I see a lotta hunting getting done in that scenario.

Buffy

Please. Like Angel and I are just helpless slaves to passion. Grow up! [cut to Buffy and Angel on patrol making out]

Xander

Which is another secret to conscientious egg care. A pot of scalding water and about eight minutes.

Willow

You boiled your young?

Giles

I suppose there is a sort of Machiavellian ingenuity to your transgression.

Xander

I resent that! Or possibly thank you.

Giles

A little of both might be appropriate.

Willow

Oh, I don't know, though. He is a senior.

Buffy

You think he's too old 'cause he's a senior? Please. My boyfriend had a bicentennial.

Buffy

You can't spend the rest of your life waiting for Xander to wake up and smell the hottie. Make a move. Do the talking thing.

Willow

Well, what if the talking thing becomes the awkward-silence thing?

Oz

I'm gonna ask you to go out with me tomorrow night. And I'm kinda nervous about it, actually. It's interesting.

Willow

Oh! Well, if it helps at all, I'm gonna say "yes."

Oz

Yeah, it helps. It ... it creates a comfort zone. ... Do you wanna go out with me tomorrow night?

Willow

[slaps forehead] Oh! I can't!

Oz

Well, see, I like that you're unpredictable.

Willow

Oh ... It's just, it's Buffy's birthday, and we're throwing her a surprise party.

Oz

It's okay.

Willow

But you could come! If you wanted.

Oz

Well, I don't want to crash.

Willow

No, it's fine! You could be my ... my date.

Oz

All right. I'm in. [nods farewell when she indicates she's ready to leave]

Willow

[walks off, delighted with the encounter] I said "date"!

Willow

Are you okay?

Oz

Yeah. Hey, did everybody see that guy just turn to dust?

Willow

Ohhh, well ... sort of.

Xander

Yep. Vampires are real, a lot of 'em live in Sunnydale, Willow will fill you in.

Willow

I know it's hard to accept at first.

Oz

Actually, it explains a lot.

Willow

I knew it! I knew it! Well, not knew it in the sense of having the slightest idea, but I knew there was something I didn't know. You two were fighting way too much. It's not natural!

Xander

I know it's weird ...

Willow

Weird? It's against all laws of God and Man! It's Cordelia! Remember? The, the 'We Hate Cordelia Club', of which you are the treasurer.

Xander

Look, I was gonna tell you.

Willow

Gee, what stopped you? Could it be shame?

Xander

All right, let's over-react, shall we?

Willow

But I'm ...

Xander

Willow. We were just kissing. It doesn't mean that much.

Willow

No. ... It just means you'd rather be with someone you hate, than be with me.

Willow

We have a lot of fun, but I want smoochies!

Buffy

Have you dropped any hints?

Willow

I've dropped anvils.

Buffy

Well, he'll come around. What guy could resist your wily Willow charms?

Willow

At last count? All of them, maybe more.

Buffy

Well, none of them know a thing! They all get an "F" in Willow.

Willow

But I want Oz to get an "A," and, oh, one of those gold stars!