Xander Harris quotes from Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Buffy

Looks like a job for Wiccan girl. What do you say, Will? Big-time danger.

Willow

Hey, I eat danger for breakfast.

Xander

But oddly enough, she panics in the face of breakfast foods.

The power of the Wish made me a righteous sword to smite the unfaithful.

Xander

Well, hey! Good luck with that. Hope it works out for you.

You know, you can laugh, but I have witnessed a millennium of treachery and oppression from the males of the species, and I have nothing but contempt for the whole libidinous lot of them.

Xander

Then why you talking to me?

[averting her eyes] I don't have a date for the prom.

Xander

Well, gosh! I wonder why not. It couldn't possibly have anything to do with your sales pitch?

Men are evil... Will you go with me?

Xander

One of us is very confused, and I honestly don't know which.

When I lost my powers I got stuck with this persona, and now I have all these feelings. I don't understand it. I don't like it. All I know is I really want to go to this dance and I want someone to go with me.

Look, I know you find me attractive. I've seen you looking at my breasts.

Xander

Nothing personal, but when a guy does that it just means his eyes are open.

Whatever. Look, do you wanna go with me or not?

Buffy

You guys are going to have a prom. The kind of prom that everyone should have. I'm going to give you all a nice, fun, normal evening, if I have to kill every single person on the face of the earth to do it.

Xander

...Yay?

So I was wondering... maybe if you're free this weekend... we could do some... entertaining thing.

Xander

Would that be along the lines of you telling me all about the men you destroyed back in your demon days? 'Cause pencil me in!

Well, we could do something else you like. We could, um, watch sports of some kind.

Xander

Uh, I don't know.

Men like sports. I'm sure of it.

Xander

Yes, men like sports. Men watch the action movie, they eat of the beef, and enjoy to look at the bosoms. A thousand years of avenging our wrongs, and that's all that you've learned?

Xander

The mayor is going to kill us all during graduation.

Cordelia

Oh! Are you gonna go to fifth period?

Xander

I was thinking I might skip it.

When I think that something could happen to you, it feels bad inside, like I might vomit.

Xander

Welcome to the world of romance.

It's horrible. No wonder I used to get so much work.

Xander

Well, I'm sorry I give you barfy feelings.

Come with me.

Xander

I can't.

Why not?

Xander

I got friends on the line.

So?

Xander

That humanity thing's still a work in progress, isn't it?

Cordelia

I personally don't think it's possible to come up with a crazier plan.

Oz

We attack the Mayor with hummus.

Cordelia

I stand corrected.

Oz

Just keeping things in perspective.

Cordelia

My point however is, crazy or not, it's pretty much the only plan. Besides, it's Buffy's, and she's Slay Gal, you know, Little Miss Likes-to-fight. So...

Xander

I think there was a 'yea' vote buried in there somewhere.

Angel

Well, he's not crazy about germs.

Cordelia

Of course. That's it! We'll attack him with germs!

Buffy

Great! We'll get him cornered, and then you can sneeze on him.

Cordelia

No! No. We'll get a container of Ebola virus, and... and, um... or -- it doesn't even have to be real. We could just get a box that says "Ebola" on it, and, um... [snaps her fingers] chase him. [everyone is silent] ...With the box.

Xander

I'm starting to lean towards the hummus offensive.

Oz

He'll never see it coming.

Alright, I demand an explanation.

Xander

For what?

Wesley!

Xander

Uh...inbreeding?

Buffy

You saw the Grand Canyon?

Xander

Well, I saw the movie Grand Canyon, on cable. Really lame.

Buffy

Huh?

Xander

Basically, I got as far as Oxnard and the engine fell out of my car, and that was literally. So I ended up washing dishes at the fabulous "Ladies Night" club for about a month and a half while I tried to pay for the repairs. Nobody really bothered me, or even spoke to me, until one night, when one of the male strippers called in sick, and no power on this earth will make me tell you the rest of that story. Suffice to say, I traded my car in for one that wasn't entirely made of rust, came trundling back home to the arms of my loving parents, where everything is exactly as it was, except I sleep in the basement and I have to pay rent. How's college?

Buffy

Male strippers?

Xander

No power on this earth!

Xander

Buffy, this is all about fear. It's understandable, but you can't let it control you. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to anger. - No, wait, hold on. - Fear leads to hate. Hate leads to the dark side. - Hold on, no. Ahm... First you get the women, then you get the money, then you... - OK, can we forget that?

Buffy

Thanks for Dadaist pep talk. I feel much more abstract now.

Xander

The point is, you're Buffy.

Buffy

Yeah. Maybe in high school I was Buffy.

Xander

And now in college you're Betty Louise?

Buffy

Yeah, I'm Betty Louise Plotnick of East Cupcake, Illinois. I might as well be.

Xander

[...] Let me tell you something. When it's dark and I'm all alone, and I'm scared or freaked out or whatever, I always think “What would Buffy do?” You're my hero. OK, sometimes when it's dark and I'm all alone, I think “What is Buffy wearing?”

Xander

So, all that other stuff in there, that's just gonna sit in there, right? I mean, no one owns it in the strictest sense.

Oz

It seems wrong somehow.

Xander

Dibs on the rowing machine.

Giles

Buffy!

Willow

Hi, Giles.

Xander

What's with the arsenal?

Giles

I've been awake all night. I know I'm supposed to teach you self-reliance, but I can't leave you out there to fight alone. Uh, to hell with what's right. I-I'm ready to back you up. Let's find the evil and-and-and fight it together.

Buffy

Great. Thanks. We'll get right on that.

Giles

The evil is this way?

Buffy

My room is.

Willow

Hey, Giles, can you get this box on top?

Giles

Um...

Xander

So, college not so scary after all, huh?

Buffy

It's turning out to be a lot like high school, which I can handle. At least I know what to expect.

I can't stop thinking about you. Sometimes, in my dreams, you're all naked.

Xander

Really? You know, if I'm in the checkout lane at the Wal-Mart, I've had that same one.

I like you. You're funny and you're nicely shaped. And, frankly, it's ludicrous to have these interlocking bodies and not... interlock. Please remove your clothing now.

Xander

And the amazing thing? Still more romantic than Faith.

You haven't called. Not once!

Xander

You said you were over me.

And you just accepted that? I only said that because I thought that's what you wanted to hear.

Xander

Well, that's the funny thing about me. I tend to hear the actual words people say and accept them at face value.

That's stupid.

Xander

I accept that.

Willow

[about her costume] I'm Joan of Arc. I figured we had a lot in common, seeing as how I was almost burned at the stake, plus she has that close relationship with God.

Xander

[to Oz] And you are?

Xander

Of course. I wish I'd thought of that before I put down my deposit. I could've been God.

Oz

Blasphemer.