Scenes with Xander Harris 253
[The demon Gachnar slowly emerges from the pentacle in the floor... and is revealed to be just six inches tall.]
Xander [looks down mockingly at Gachnar] Big overture, little show.
G Gachnar
[in a squeaky voice] : I am the Dark Lord of Nightmares! The Bringer of Terror! Tremble before me! Fear me!
[Xander pokes a finger at the tiny demon, speaking to it as if to a puppy.]
Xander Who's a little fear demon? Come on! Who's a little fear demon?
Don't taunt the fear demon.
Xander Why, can he hurt me?
[After defeating Gachnar, Giles looks back at the small image of him in the book]
Some quality treats here, Giles.
This is much better. There is no problem that cannot be solved by chocolate.
Xander That's your scary costume?
Oh, bloody hell. The inscription.
I should've translated the Gaelic inscription under the illustration of Gachnar.
Aren't you too young to be a bartender?
Xander Au contraire, mon frere.
Xander Mon girl-frere. Behold! [holds up a fake ID]
I don't believe this is entirely on the up and up.
Xander What gives it away?
Buffy that is my best friend you need to think about not Parker. He's no good. There are men, better men, wherein the mind is stronger than the penis.
Xander Nothing can defeat the penis! [looks around] Too loud, very unseemly.
I can't believe you served Buffy that beer.
Xander I didn't know it was evil.
Xander Well, excuse me, Mr. I-spent-the-sixties-in-an-electric-Kool-Aid-funky-Satan-groove!
It was the early seventies, and you should know better.
Xander And was there a lesson in all this? huh? What did we learn about beer?
Xander Good, just as long as that's clear. Anyways I think the boys in the car are contained for the time being. This'll give them some time to ponder the geo-political ramifications of being mean to me !
The Bronze is more fun this year, isn't it?
'Cause of the gloating factor alone, you know? We're all about college, now. We've got heady discourse.
Yeah, curfew-free nights of mom and pop-less hootenanny.
Xander Co-ed dating prospects who find townies sexy and dangerous. What? I can dream.
Right. So if college is so great, what are we doing here and why is it more fun?
Because the Bronze is nice and familiar. It's like a big comfy blankie.
Will, I was under the impression that I was your big comfy blankie.
Aw, you're my person blankie. This is my place blankie.
I inflicted a lot of putrefying diseases on men when I was an avenging demon, you look like you're getting all of them.
Xander Okay, I'll stay. But you should go, you could catch it.
We'll die together. It's romantic... Help me get your trousers off.
Xander You're a strange girlfriend.
Xander Oh, there's a chance I'm delirious.
Ah, yes. Well, whatever it is that's making you sick, so far I like it.
Oh, someone put a stake in me!
Xander You gotta lot of volunteers in here.
I just can't take all this namby-pamby boo-hooing about the bloody Indians.
Uh, the preferred term is-
You won. All right? You came in and you killed them and you took their land. That's what conquering nations do. That's what Caesar did, and he's not going around saying, "I came, I conquered, I felt really bad about it." The history of the world is not people making friends. You had better weapons, and you massacred them. End of story.
Well, I think the Spaniards actually did a lot of-- Not that I don't like Spaniards.
Listen to you. How you gonna fight anyone with that attitude?
We don't wanna fight anyone.
I just wanna have Thanksgiving.
If we could talk to him--
You exterminated his race. What could you possibly say that would make him feel better? It's kill or be killed here. Take your bloody pick.
Xander Maybe it's the syphilis talking, but... some of that made sense.
I made a lot of these points earlier, but fine, no one listens to me.
Well, the turkey came out rather splendidly.
Oh, it was yummy. It's just... did you see me? Two seconds of conflict with an indigenous person, and I... I turn into General Custer.
Violence does that. You know, instinct takes over.
Xander Nobody asked you.
Oh, lay off. You all had a fine meal. But me? An entire siege. You'd think one of you would bleed a little.
Good work, Buffy. On, you know, on both counts.
Well, you know, you should be very pleased.
Wasn't exactly a perfect Thanksgiving.
Xander I don't know. Seemed kind of right to me. A bunch of anticipation, a big fight, and now we're all sleepy.
[chuckles] And we did all survive.
I guess that much is true. First Thanksgiving on my own, and we all got through it.
Xander And you know what? I think my syphilis is clearing right up.
And they say romance is dead. Or maybe they just wish it.
Well, maybe we started a new tradition this year. Maybe not. But at least we all worked together. It was like old times.
Xander Yeah, especially with Angel being here and everything. Oops.
Spike and I are getting married!
Xander How? What? How?
Three excellent questions.
[to Buffy] What are you looking at?
[She and Spike kiss, long and salaciously. Xander and Anya avert their eyes.]
Xander Can I be blind too?
[At Giles's apartment, Xander and Anya are arguing about their relationship.]
Xander If you don't know how I feel about -
I don't. This isn't a relationship! You don't need me. All you care about is lots of orgasms.
[The others are silent with disbelief.]
Xander OK... remember how we talked about private conversations? How they're less private when they're in front of my friends?
Oh, we're not your friends. Go on.
[Xander ties Spike to a chair before getting into bed.]
Don't see why I have to be tied up.
Xander It's just while I'm sleeping.
Like I'd bite you, anyway.
Xander Oh, you would.
Xander I happen to be very biteable, pal. I'm moist and delicious.
Alright, yeah, fine. You're a nummy treat.
Xander And don't you forget it.
Xander I have to get to work
Yeah, delivering melted cheese on bread. Doing your part to keep America constipated.
[The gang discusses a mysterious symbol.]
Right. It was carved into his chest, like a big creepy eye.
Xander It's kind of like the CBS logo. Hey, could this be the handiwork of one Mr. Morley Safer?
I'm telling you I've seen this somewhere before. I just can't remember where! I mean, it's like...
It's the end of the world.
BW Buffy, Willow, Xander
Again?
It's, ah, the earthquake... that symbol... yes.
I told you. I-I said "end of the world", and you're like "poo-poo, southern California, poo-poo"!
I'm so very sorry. My contrition completely dwarfs the impending apocalypse.
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Buffy the Vampire Slayer · 894 quotes
Xander
