Xander Harris quotes from Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Xander

So, you doing anything special?

Buffy

Tree, nog, roast beast. Just me and Mom, and hopefully an excess of gifts. [to Willow] What are you doing for Christmas?

Willow

Being Jewish. Remember, people? Not everyone worships Santa.

Amy

Oh my God!

Oz

Kids?

Xander

Why was your mom there?

Buffy

More bad, she picked last night, of all nights, for a surprise bonding visit.

Willow

God, your mom would actually take the time to do that with you? [Buffy looks at her] That really wasn't the point of the story, was it?

Giles

Uh, wait, wait a minute. Uh... Uh, there is a fringe theory held by a few folklorists that some regional stories have actual, um, very literal antecedents.

Buffy

And in some language that's English?

Oz

Fairy tales are real?

Buffy

Hans and Gre... Hansel and Gretel?

Xander

Wait. Hansel and Gretel? Breadcrumbs, ovens, gingerbread house?

Giles

Of course! Well, it makes sense now.

Buffy

Yeah, it's all falling into place. Of course that place is nowhere near this place.

Giles

Some demons thrive by fostering hatred and, and, uh, persecution amongst the mortal animals. Not by, not by destroying men, but by watching men destroy each other. Now, they feed us our darkest fear and turn peaceful communities into vigilantes.

Buffy

Hansel and Gretel run home to tell everyone about the mean old witch.

Giles

And then she and probably dozens of others are persecuted by a righteous mob. It's happened all throughout history. It happened in Salem, not surprisingly.

Xander

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm still spinning on this whole fairy tales are real thing.

Oz

So what do we do?

Xander

I don't know about you, but I'm gonna go trade my cow in for some beans ... [silence] No one else is seeing the funny here.

Buffy

Hey. Is Willow around?

Xander

How can I convince you people that it's over? You assume because I am here, she is here. That I somehow mysteriously know where she is.

Buffy

[points] Those her books?

Xander

Yeah, she's in the bathroom. [Buffy nods] But the fact that I know that doesn't change that I have a genuine complaint here. Look, I'm getting sick of the judgement. The innuendos. Is a man not innocent until proven guilty?

Buffy

You are guilty. You got illicit smoochies. Gonna have to pay the price.

Xander

But I'm talking about the future guilt. Look, everyone expects me to mess up again. Like Oz. I see how he is around me. You know, that steely gaze, that pointed silence.

Buffy

'Cause he's usually such a chatterbox.

Xander

No but it's different now. It's more a verbal non-verbal. He speaks volumes with his eyes.

Xander

You know, maybe we're on the wrong track with the whole spell, curse and whammy thing. Maybe what we should be looking for is something like... Slayer kryptonite.

Oz

Faulty metaphor. Kryptonite kills.

Xander

You're assuming I was talking about the green kryptonite. I was referring, of course, to the red kryptonite, which drains Superman of all his powers.

Oz

Wrong. The gold kryptonite's the power-sucker. The red kryptonite mutates Superman into some sort of weird --

Buffy

Guys, reality!

Buffy

Xander, one of these days, you're gonna get yourself hurt.

Faith

Or killed.

Buffy

Or both. And you know, with the pain and then the death, maybe you shouldn't be leaping into the fray like that. Maybe you should be fray-adjacent.

Xander

Excuse me? Who, at a crucial moment, distracted the lead demon by allowing her to pummel him about the head?

Faith

Yeah. That was real manly, how you shrieked and all.

Xander

I think you'll find that was more of a bellow.

Cordelia

It must be really hard when all your friends have, like, superpowers. Slayer, werewolf, witches, vampires, and you're, like, this little nothing. You must feel like Jimmy Olsen.

Xander

I happen to be an integral part of that group. I happen to have a lot to offer.

Cordelia

Oh, please.

Xander

I do!

Cordelia

Integral part of the group? Xander, you're the-the useless part of the group. You're the Zeppo. "Cool." Look it up. It's something that a sub-literate that's repeated twelfth grade three times has, and you don't.

Cordelia

[to herself] There was no part of that that wasn't fun.

Faith

She got me really wound up. A fight like that and, no kill. I'm about ready to pop!

Xander

Really? Pop?!

Faith

You up for it?

Xander

Oh, I'm up. I'm suddenly very up. It's just, um, I've never been up with people before.

Faith

Just relax. And take your pants off.

Xander

Those two ... concepts are ... antithetical.

Faith

Don't worry. I'll steer you around the curves.

Xander

Did I mention that I'm having a very strange night?

Xander

[to bomb] Hello, nasty. [to himself] Less than two minutes. Dumb guy. Little bomb. How hard can it be?

And it just got harder.

Xander

I'm not leaving 'til that thing's disarmed.

Then I guess you're not leaving. I'm gonna carve you up and serve you with gravy. You piss me off, boy. Now you pay the price. First the eyes, then the tongue. I'm gonna break every one of your fingers.

Xander

You gonna do all that in forty-nine seconds?

Xander

I know what you're thinking. Can I get by him? Get up the stairs, out of the building, seconds ticking away. I don't love your chances.

Then you'll die, too.

Xander

Yeah, looks like. So I guess the question really is: Who has less fear?

I'm not afraid to die. I'm already dead.

Xander

Yeah, but this is different. Being blown up isn't walking-around-and-drinking-with-your-buddies dead. It's little-pieces-being-swept-up-by-a-janitor dead, and I don't think you're ready for that.

Are you?

Xander

[tired smile] I like the quiet.

Xander

But ... it's just that it's bugging me ... this cool thing. I mean, what is it? How do you get it? Who doesn't have it? And who decides who doesn't have it? What is the essence of "cool"?

Oz

Not sure.

Xander

I mean you, yourself, Oz, are considered more or less cool. Why is that?

Oz

Am I?

Xander

Is it about the talking? You know, the way you tend to express yourself in short, non-committal phrases?

Oz

Could be.

Xander

No, you're in a band! That's like a business class ticket to cool with complementary mojo after takeoff. I gotta learn an instrument. Is it hard to play guitar?

Oz

Not the way I play it.

Xander

Okay, but on the other hand, eighth grade: I'm takin' the flugelhorn and gettin' zero trim. So the whole instrument thing could be a mislead. But ya need a thing. One thing nobody else has. What do I have?

Oz

An exciting new obsession, which I feel makes you very special.

Xander

She was fighting those apocalypse demon things and I helped out... gave her a ride home.

Buffy

And you guys talked?

Xander

Not extensively, no.

Buffy

Then why would you... oh!

Giles

Oh!

Willow

I don't need to say "oh", I got it before. They slept together.

Xander

Got the address. I beat it out of Willy the snitch personally.

Buffy

You beat up Willy?

Xander

Sure. Well, actually, let's just say I applied some pressure. Or more accurately, that I asked politely. And then... Okay, I bribed him.

Buffy

How much?

Xander

Twenty-eight bucks. Does the council reimburse for that kinda stuff?

Giles

Did you get a receipt?

Xander

Damn...

Xander

You know how some people hate to say I told you so? Not me. I told you so. Angel's back in the really bad sense, and um, I told you so.

Wesley

Angelus has turned? Xander, this is terribly serious. Are you sure?

Xander

Gee, let me think. Kind of hard to tell. Last thing I remember was his fist.

Wesley

We must contact Giles immediately.

Xander

Good thinking. Let's waste time with a lively debate. Leave Buffy alone, and see how dead she gets.

Cordelia

Slow down, Xander. This isn't Wesley's fault.

Xander

Actually, it is. Faith was your responsibility. Guess who's Angel's new playmate?

Willow

Faith and Angel? Together?

Xander

Imagine the possibilities.

Oz

[voice over] I am my thoughts. If they exist in her, Buffy contains everything that is me and she becomes me. I cease to exist. [out loud] Hmm.

Xander

[voice over] What am I gonna do? I think about sex all the time! Sex! Help! Four times five is 30. Five times six is 32. Naked girls. Naked women! And naked Buffy! Oh, stop me!

Buffy

God, Xander! Is that all you think about?

Xander

Actually... bye. [bolts from the library]

Xander

Rat poison! Rat poison! Drop your spoons. Step away from the spoons.

Buffy

Okay, let's calm down.

Vermin. You're all vermin. You come in here, and you eat... and you eat... filth.

Buffy

I don't see this being settled with logic.