Xander Harris quotes from Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Xander

The point is, I work hard for that money.

Spike

And you're saying I didn't?

Xander

You stole it.

Spike

And you're making it into very hard work!

Buffy

Maybe I could change. You know, I could, I could work harder. I could spend less time slaying, I could laugh at his jokes - I mean, men like that, right, the, the joke-laughing-at?

Xander

Or maybe you could just be Buffy, he'll see your amazing heart, and he'll fall in love with you.

Joyce

I think we're just about ready for pie.

Xander

And then I'll be pretty much ready for barf.

Buffy

Xander!

Dawn

Gross.

Xander

You know, barf from the eating. 'Cause all was good and too much goodness.

Joyce

I'm taking it as a compliment.

Giles

Yes, everything was delicious.

Yes. I'm going to barf, too.

Joyce

Everyone's so sweet.

Xander

How you doin' there, Will? Are you in the vomit club, too?

Willow

[groans] I had too much nog.

Tara

Oh, baby. Want me to rub your tummy? She likes it when I... uh, s-stop explaining things.

Dawn

My nog tastes funny. I think I got one with rum in it.

Willow

That's... bad.

Xander

Yeah! Now Santa's gonna pass you right by! Naughty boozehound.

Willow

Santa always passes me by. Something puts him off. Could be the big honkin' menorah.

I mean, it's a myth that it's a myth. There is a Santa Claus.

Xander

The advantage of having a thousand-year-old girlfriend. Inside scoop.

Tara

There's a Santa Claus?

Mm-hmm. Been around since, like, the 1500s. But he wasn't always called Santa. But with, you know, Christmas night, flying reindeer, coming down the chimney -- all true.

Dawn

All true?

Well, he doesn't traditionally bring presents so much as, you know, disembowel children. But otherwise...

Tara

The reindeer part was nice.

Are they gonna cut the body open?

Willow

Oh my God! Would you just... s-stop talking? Just... shut your mouth! Please!

What am I doing?

Willow

How can you act like that?

Am I supposed to be changing my clothes a lot? I-is that the helpful thing to do?

Xander

Guys--

Willow

The way you behave--

Nobody will tell me.

Willow

Because it's not okay for you to be asking these things!

But I don't understand! I don't understand how this all happens. How we go through this. I knew her, and then she's-- there's just a body, and I don't understand why she just can't get back in it and not be dead... anymore! It's stupid! It's mortal and stupid! And... and Xander's crying and not talking, and... and I was having fruit punch, and I thought, well, Joyce will never have any more fruit punch, ever, and she'll never have eggs, or yawn, or brush her hair, not ever, and no one will explain to me why! [She begins to cry.]

Willow

[long pause] We don't know. How it works. Why.

Xander

I'll tell you what it is is. It's the frickin' doctors. I mean, they just let her out, clean bill of health. Dig a hole in your skull, here's a band aid, next. They should have checked her over, kept her in. We don't got enough monsters in this town, the doctors gotta help them out?

Willow

Xander, it just happened.

Xander

[Nearly crying] Things don't happen. I mean they don't just happen. Somebody's gotta...

Spike

I'm not going in.

Xander

And you're not leaving those. You really think you're going to score points with Buffy this way?

Spike

This isn't about Buffy.

Xander

Bull. We're all hip to your doomed obsession.

Spike

They're for Joyce.

Xander

Like you cared about her. [Spike moves closer to Xander]

Willow

Guys. Not here.

Spike

Care? Joyce was the only one of the lot of you I could stand.

Xander

And she was the only one with a daughter you wanted to shag. I'm touched.

Spike

I liked the lady. Understand, monkey boy? She was decent. She didn't put on airs. And she was the only one who didn't treat me like a freak.

Xander

Her mistake.

Spike

[scoffs] Think what you want. [He throws the flowers to the ground and stomps off]

Xander

Un ... believable. The guy thinks he can put on a big show and con Buffy into being his sex monkey.

Willow

[looking at flowers] Xander... He didn't leave a card.

Xander

No one is judging you. It's understandable. Spike is strong and mysterious and sorta compact but well-muscled.

Buffy

I am not having sex with Spike! But I'm starting to think that you might be!

Spike

[laughs sarcastically] Oh, I get it. That's very crafty. [nods] Glory's worked the kind of mojo where anyone who sees her little presto-change-o instantly forgets. And yours truly, being somewhat other than human ... stands immune.

Willow

[frowning.] So ... Ben and Glory ... are-are the same person?

Xander

[slowly, like a revelation] Glory can turn into Ben, and Ben turns back into Glory.

And anyone who sees it instantly forgets.

Spike

[sigh of relief] Kewpie doll for the lady.

Giles

Excellent. Now. Do we suspect there may be some kind of connection between Ben and Glory?

Spike

Found Ben's room at Glory's. Didn't learn much.

Xander

Wait, wait, wait. Ben? At Glory's? [Spike rolls his eyes.] You're saying all this time he's been subletting from her?

Spike

This ... is gonna be worth it.

Ow!!

Xander

Why blood? Why Dawn's blood? Why couldn't it be like a-a lymph ritual or something?

Spike

'Cause it's always got to be blood.

Xander

We're not actually discussing dinner right now.

Spike

Blood is life, lackbrain. Why do you think we eat it? It's what keeps you going. Makes you warm. Makes you hard. Makes you other than dead. 'Course it's her blood.

Willow

I got her head back on, didn't I? And I got her off those knock-knock jokes.

Oh, who's there?

Xander

If you want her to be exactly...

Spike

She'll never be exactly.

Xander

I know.

Tara

The only really real Buffy is really Buffy.

Giles

And she's gone.

If you want her to be exactly she'll never be exactly I know the only really real Buffy is really Buffy and she's gone who?

Xander

Scenario: We raise Buffy from the grave. She tries to eat our brains. Do we: a) congratulate ourselves on a job well done-

Willow

Xander, this isn't zombies.

And zombies don't eat brains anyway, unless instructed to by their zombie master. A lot of people get that wrong.

Xander

I know we've been going straight because I've been following the North Star.

Willow

Xander, that's not the North Star, it's an airplane.

Not looking too good.

Xander

I don't see you winning any beauty pageants. Not unless the "Miss my face fell off" contest gets going.

Big axe you got there.

Xander

Better to cut you down to size, grandma.