Jake Peralta quotes from Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Jake

Well, Sharon is happy, and Captain Holt has no idea where she is.

Gina

Damn, we are good at stashing pregnant ladies! [High-fives Jake] Uh!

Guys? My water just broke.

Jake

Don't worry about that, we'll just get you another one- oh, you mean your body water! That's much worse!

Amy Santiago

[As Jake approaches their desk] Oh, come here, come here, come here! You need to see this! I'm about to give Captain Holt his gift.

Jake Peralta

Oh? Did he lift his no gift policy?

Amy

No, he didn't, but I figured out a way to buy him something and trick him into accepting it.

Jake

You are bad.

Amy

I know, right! Oh, wait, you're making fun of me.

Jake

Mm-hmm

Amy

Well, I don't care. He would never open a gift, right? But, what if his gift didn't look like a gift?

Jake

He would open it?

Amy

Exactly! I left it in a cardboard box on his desk. There's no card, just the words "Open Now" which I wrote with my wrong hand, so he wouldn't recognise my handwriting! [Holt passes them] Captain!

Raymond Holt

Santiago. Peralta.

Jake

Sir... So, just to recap, you left an unmarked package on a police captain's desk, on a random Monday with a suspicious message written on it that looked like it was scrawled by a crazy person?

Amy

Mm-hmm

Holt

[exiting his office quickly] Bomb! There's a bomb! Everyone out! [There is mass panic as everyone rushes for the exit. Rosa presses an alarm] Let's go, let's go! This is not a drill! Let's go!

Jake

[sarcastically, to an aghast Amy] Great gift, babe!

Boyle

Damn. She can't do that! Can she do that?

Peralta

Okay, stay calm. We're gonna talk to a lawyer and get a professional opinion.

Damn! I can't believe you signed this contract! The sperm is her legal possession. It also says that she, and I quote, [flips to the second page and points] "Owns your dignity." You initialed right next to that!

Doug Judy

Peralta, it's no coincidence you're on this ship. You won a free cruise without entering a contest; how do you think that happened?

Jake

I don't know. Maybe it's because I bought Speed 2 on DVD and the internet figured out that cruises are one of my interests!

Doug Judy

Great film. Sandy B. in a sarong. [He and Jake bump fists] But the tics are all me. I brought you here because I'm in peril.

Jake

Pfft. Peril.

Doug Judy

Don't "Pfft" my peril!

Jake

Pfft.

Doug Judy

Somebody's tryin' to kill me, and I need protection. So I sent for my best friend.

Jake

I am not your best friend. I'm your worst enemy! Get that through your head!

Doug Judy

[To Amy] It's this kind of bickering that makes us such an adorable couple.

Jake

Whatever, Judy! You're under arrest!

Doug Judy

You can't arrest me, boo! We're in international waters. Which is why I can smoke as much weed as I want. Welcome, to the high seas.

Jake

No. No way that that's true. Amy, tell me I can arrest him right now.

Amy

Judy's right, we have no jurisdiction. Technically this boat flies under the flag of Uzbekistan.

Doug Judy

Uh-oh! Your girl knows about the Uzbeks!

Amy

But the captain can have him arrested; he has total authority on this boat.

Jake

Perfect; captains love me. Just wait until he or she finds out they're employing a criminal.

Yeah, about forty percent of the crew are criminals.

Doug Judy

Peralta! Sorry to do this to you, man. I saw an opening and I had to take it. I can't go to jail! I'm too cool!

Jake

You'll never get away from me, Judy!

Doug Judy

I can't hear what you're saying; you're real far away. I'll just assume you're finally admitting we're best friends.

Jake

No, that's not what I'm saying!

Doug Judy

Thank you! It means a lot to me. Enjoy the rest of your cruise! Just remember; you got a fine lady, don't be a tang in the mud! Check your pockets! [Jake does, pulling out a cabin access card] Boom-boom stateroom, baby!

Jake

[To Amy] Awesome. [To Judy] But this isn't over! I will hunt you to the ends of the earth!

Doug Judy

I love you, too! I'm so proud of us for being able to say it! What're you still standing there for? Go smush!

Hey, honey. Thanks for bringing Roger back.

Jake Peralta

You're very welcome. Hey, by the way, Amy was really nervous to meet you, so don't judge her for all the weird singing.

Oh, no. I'm dating my son-of-a-bitch ex-husband; who am I to judge?

Amy

I think you're really great, too!

Jake

She's very good at lip-reading.

Amy

I wouldn't say "very" good; deaf people, they're the real talents!

Jake

Yep. Just can't stop.

Amy

I'll let you guys talk! I'll just close my eyes. [Rolls the window back up.]

Gina

Ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to the most anticipated event in this precinct's history! The auction for-

Jake

The Suitcase of Mystery!

Gina

Exactly, Jacob. This puppy's been in the Lost & Found since 1976. No one alive today knows its contents. I'm happy to say Captain Holt has finally given me permission to auction it off!

Jake

I'll let you give me a spray tan! Any shade you want!

Gina

Jake, willing to sacrifice his dignity! Who can top it?

Boyle

Massage! I'll give you a massage!

Gina

Charles, going in the wrong direction and getting himself disqualified. Interesting approach. Orange Jake: Goin' once! Goin' twice!

Diaz

I'll show you a picture of me in high school. There is side pony.

Gina

Ooh! Rosa comin' in hot, Rosa comin' in hot!

Jake

I'll also give you full control over my hair and wardrobe.

Scully

I'll go on a date with you!

Gina

SOLD! To Jake. Not to Scully. That really freaked me out and I just want this to end now.

Jake

Hey, Gina! We got an anonymous gift basket. Yeah, it's full of treats. It's got meats, cheeses, candies- all the food groups.

Boyle

The cheese is amazing. It melts in my mouth. And in my hands!

Gina

Hm. French chocolates, French cheeses, tiny French pickles. Did none of you detectives think this might be a gift for Captain Holt from someone in France? Like his husband, per exemple?

Jake

What? No way! This is a nice present from an unknown, appreciative citizen that wanted us to munch!

Gina

What's this, then? "Dear Captain Raymond Holt: Thinking of you. Best, Dr. Kevin Cozner, Ph.D." He even used their pet names.

Amy

Oh, no. I ate the chocolate-covered strawberry. That's the most intimate snack of them all!

Diaz

Holt's gonna be back from his meeting in thirty minutes- what do we do?!

Terry

Eat the note!

Jake

No! No. It's okay. We can fix this.

Jake

Check it out, sir; a lovely gift basket that Kevin sent you, all the way from Paris.

Boyle

Straight from Paris!

Holt

Stapler... scissors... rubber bands? [Picks up the package of rubber bands.] That man really knows me!

Jake

This envelope contains my inheritance from my uncle, he died a year ago. He was so rich, he had a whole room in his house just to eat in.

Gina

You mean like a dining room?

Jake

Yeah. But in Manhattan.

Gina

Oh, dang.

Jake

Now, just because I'm definitely rich now doesn't mean I'm gonna forget my roots. You all get something, so fire away.

Boyle

Jake, your friendship is gift enough for me.

Diaz

Friendship is crap. I want a Ducati Monster 821.

Jake

All right, Rosa gets a motorcycle.

Amy

Oh, cool, I want a fast sports car.

Jake

Come on, you can be honest.

Amy

I want old, expensive books. I'll send you a list.

Jake

There you go. Now, let's find out what I'm worth... Ah, I'm too nervous. Sarge, you do it.

Terry

[Opens the envelope] It's stock, one million shares!

Jake

Oh, my God!

Terry

... Of Blockbuster Video stock.

Jake

What? Is that bad? I still have a Blockbuster card. WHAT HAPPENED TO BLOCKBUSTER?!

Jake

Hey. Gina, how's the stalling?

Gina

Great. The tow truck just got here, so that'll buy us at least an hour.

Jake

Tow truck?! What the hell'd you do to my car?!

Gina

Bitch, I told you I was gonna wreck it!

Jake

You did. You did. Well, I'm gonna go follow up on a lead right now.

Gina

Great. I'm gonna rip a bunch of wires out of your dashboard.

Jake

What? No, don't!

Jake

What we need in here is an armored personnel carrier. A tank!

Diaz

Two tanks. I want a tank, too.

Jake

Great, so everyone gets a tank. Just remember, we can't ruin Captain Holt's vacation high. We can't do anything to upset him. [Turns around and sees Hitchcock and Scully in Holt's office] Woah, no! What're those morons doing in there?!

Terry

Maybe it's not that bad. Maybe they didn't upset him.

Jake

What'd you do? What'd you say?

Hitchcock

Nothin', just said welcome back.

Scully

And laughed with him about all the weight he gained in France!

Holt

Why is everyone just standing around? Get back to work!

Jake

So long, tank.

Holt

"Tank"?! I gained three pounds in Paris! Three pounds!

Terry

Hi. Remember me?

So... this is weird.

Terry

Oh, no you don't, circus trash! I knew it! You could walk the whole time! I was right about the cat accomplice too, huh?! Now where's the cat?!

Jake

Been twenty years, Sarge, cat's probably dead.

Terry

I'M STILL BRINGIN' 'IM IN!

Holt

Hello, Bob. Good to see you.

And you. Apologies, it's inappropriate of me to partake in such informal conversation in front of your detectives.

Holt

It's all right. I am equally to blame.

Jake

Oh, my God! There's two of them!

Amy

Did you get the other guy?

Jake

What other guy?

Amy

Someone named Bob Anderson.

Jake

Oh, my God. Amy, I have to go. [Hangs up.] Bob is working for Figgis!

Diaz

What?

Jake

He must've been the one who deleted all those digital files! And he tried to have Wielan killed!

Diaz

But he helped us with the heist and there was nothing about him in the paper file!

Jake

Yeah! Cause that wasn't the real file! We have to call Holt. Come on, Captain, pick up! Pick up!

Don't answer that, Raymond. And now I'm going to have to kill you.

Holt

Oh, Bob.

Time's up. Looks like Figgis found you.

Terry

Okay. Door's secure.

Diaz

That's the last of the candles.

Terry

Is that multi-wick? [Sniffs] Am I smelling basil and tangerine?

Diaz

It's called Summer's Kiss.

Terry

What the hell is goin' on with you?

I hate to rub it in, detectives, but I told you they'd find me.

Terry

SNIPER, EVERYBODY DOWN!

Whoah! Whoah, whoah, whoah! Wrong guy, wrong guy!

Terry

Stay away from the windows!

Jake

Captain! Table!

My God! What the hell's going on? They tried to kill me! [Two more vases shatter.] Oh, we have to get out of here and we have to get out of here now.

Diaz

It's cool. I have a panic room.

Terry

Yes! There's the Rosa I know! Summer's Kiss my ass!

Diaz

But it won't fit all of us.

Jake

Well, looks like Bob's the odd man out. Bye, Bob!