[The elevator doors open and the new captain of the 99th Precinct walks out and stands in front of the gathered officers and detectives.]
Hello. I'm your new commanding officer, Captain Seth Dozerman. My motto is simple: efficiency, efficiency, efficiency.
Could probably just say it once.
Are you making fun of my stutter?
Oh. Uh-
Tricked you! I don't have a stutter. Boom! I've already established my authority through my amazing sense of humor.
Well done, sir. Welcome to the 9-9. I'm Sergeant Terry Jeffords.
And I'm not interested. I have no use for people. I find people weird and confusing. I live my life by numbers. You see this watch? It tells be how many calories I burn at any time. Question- how many calories do you think I burned walking from there to there? [Points from the elevator to where he is standing, then addresses Amy.] You, female closest to me.
Oh! Uh, three?
Three?! Haaaa ha-ha-ha! Try 0.8, numbnuts! I made promises to my superiors that I most certainly cannot keep. That's why I need you idiots to work twice as hard- no, no! Strike that! Four times as hard! No, no no! Strike that! I NEED YOU MORONS TO WORK EIGHT TIMES HARDER THAN YOU'VE EVER WORKED, IN YOUR ENTIRE LIVES! I'm having a heart attack. Yep, I'm havin' a heart attack. [Falls to his knees] Get back to work. [Falls to the floor and passes out.]
Get a doctor!
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