Denny Crane quotes from Boston Legal

Denny

I heard about Tara. I feel you're hurt.

Alan

What's most upsetting, Denny, is I don't hurt.

Denny

So I don't have to hug ya and tell ya I'm there for ya and all that crap.

Alan

We can skip it.

Raymond Jacobs, you handled my first divorce 15 years ago. My wife's name was Lois.

Denny

I remember.

Why wouldn't ya. You slept with her.

Denny

Only after the divorce was final.

Denny

She's always ogling me.

Shirley

Yes, putting reality aside...

Denny

I actually begin my dates by putting cash right on the table.

Alan

And that works?

Denny

With the hookers.

Shirley

[to Denny] Did you tell Lori you liked chubby sex?

Denny

I meant it as a compliment!

Denny

Don't talk about the environment. It's too political and half the people are against you.

Alan

Half the people are against the environment?

Denny

Drop the case, do it now... I'm directing you. Drop it.

Alan

No.

Alan

What are you thinking about? It's not a trick question.

Denny

Can't I have a solitary, pensive moment? Keep a thought to myself?

Alan

Ha, ha... You forgot what you were thinking.

Denny

I prefer to be alone. Please leave.

Alan

Why?

Denny

No reason.

Alan

If you were to guess at a reason?

Denny

If I were to guess, I'd say maybe I don't want to socialize with a pinko liberal Democrat commie.

Alan

Ahh.

Denny

Alan, I've loved you like a...

Alan

Sister?

Denny

We're Americans. And to be critical in a time of war...even the Democrats are smart enough to keep their mouths shut on this.

Alan

I squeezed a clown's nose today.

Denny

Good for you!

Denny

Hey kid, front and center. I bet you'd lick my shoes for a murder case, wouldn't you?

Garrett

Oh, I would, sir.

Denny

Because I like you, you don't have to lick them. Just dust them with your sleeve.

Denny

It's fun being me. Is it fun being you?

Alan

Most of the time actually.

Denny

Then what else is there?

Alan

Indeed.

Alan

What would you do as mayor of Boston?

Denny

Oh, I don't know, attack Rhode Island. Small.

Denny

Because we're friends, I'm gonna tell you something nobody else knows. I'm homophobic.

Alan

[deadpan] I'm stunned.