I wonder if A.I. could help us score.
Of course it can, dumbass. If it can destroy jobs and homework, it must score all the time.
S11 E4I
S11 E5Scent of a Dumbass
Hey Butt-head, what's that stuff we took from the army guy?
Uh, let's see. [tries to read a label of mace] Ma- mas... masay? Masay. It must be from France or something.
Yeah, cool, yeah. Mahseur! Mahsoir!
I can't find the spray hole. [looks closer] Let's see... oh yeah. [about to spray the mace]
Wait, Beavis, stop!
What is it? What?
You said "hole."
[they both cackle]
Oh yeah, I guess I did. Thanks Butt-head. That was close.
[after both boys mace themselves in the face and are in agony on the ground]
Um Butt-head, is cologne supposed to hurt?
Yeah, dumbass. That's how you know it's working
Yeah, but my face feels all hot and stuff, and it hurts to see things.
Well, nobody said scoring was gonna feel good.
Oh yeah, that's true. I'm gonna score no matter how much it sucks!
S11 E6New Couch
Well, back to the daily grind.
Yup. Cash the unemployment check, buy beer, drink it, fall asleep on the couch. Still can't seem to get ahead.
S11 E7Nuts
DDoctor
Now you went into what's called anaphylactic shock. You're lucky it only took an hour for someone to find you and call 911.
Yeah, that's cool, yeah.
DDoctor
I think you may have had an adverse reaction to nuts.
[cackling] Nut. Yeah I like to nut. It's one of my passions, you know what I'm saying? Nut...
DDoctor
Now, did you have any nuts today?
As a matter of fact, I did. It was in the shower. You know, I kinda use the shower curtain and some conditioner, you know?
DDoctor
Huh. How often are you having nuts?
Oh, I don't know. Sometimes like, four or five nuts a day or something.
DDoctor
And when you have a nut, how do you feel?
Oh well, you know, good. That's why I do it.
DDoctor
Interesting.
These questions are weird.
DDoctor
I'm afraid what's happening here is you're allergic to nuts.
What?
DDoctor
It appears to be a very serious nut allergy. I'm gonna need you to cut out nuts altogether.
No way! Are you serious?
DDoctor
Very. If you have another nut, you could die.
No! NO!
DDoctor
You're gonna be okay. As long as you are very careful to avoid nuts.
Can I have a nut if it's with a chick?
DDoctor
Absolutely not.
This sucks! What if I nut on accident because Megan Pisarchik bends over or something?!
DDoctor
Look, you just have to be very careful. I would avoid even touching a nut.
Well I don't wanna do that. That's disgusting.
DDoctor
If it makes you feel any better, I'm allergic to nuts myself, and I haven't had a nut for over 20 years.
Why would that make me feel better?! That you're a wuss?! Goddammit!
DDoctor
It drives my wife crazy because she loves nuts, but can't have them in the house.
This is the worst day of my life! Damn it!
[severely depressed] Butt-head, I can never spank my monkey again... and I can never score, or I will die.
Uh, really?
Yes, it's true.
Uh, then I guess your nads are only good for one thing, Beavis.
What's that? [Butt-head kicks him in the testicles] AHHHH! Why do they still have to hurt?!
[as Beavis sits alone and depressed at lunch]
TGTeen Girl
Hey, are you okay? Your name's Baxter, right?
Eh, it doesn't matter.
TGTeen Girl
I just joined the Highland Teen Outreach program, and you look like you might be depressed.
Yeah. The doctor gave me some very bad news. Very bad.
TGTeen Girl
Oh no, the same thing happened to my aunt because she smoked.
Your aunt can't spank her monkey?
S11 E8Bike
There's Stewart's house. Goddamn dirty butthole. Stewart, son of a bitch... he stole my bike.
[Butt-head rings the doorbell]
That's right, he sure did. When he opens this door, you should kick his ass.
[Stewart answers the door]
Beavis and Butt-head? You finally came over to visit!
Damn you, Stewart! I'm gonna kick your ass, because you stole-
Do you wanna come in for a beer?
A beer? Yeah okay, yeah yeah. Yeah, that sounds pretty good, sure. Beer would hit the spot.
[time passes; Beavis and Butt-head are chugging cans of beer]
This is what it's all about, right? Beers with your best friends from high school. I mean, I'm not a big drinker, but Caitlyn made some of her famous cucumber-water-
Is there anymore beers?
No, uh, sorry guys, I think that's it-
That's enough, Stewart! There's a time in a man's life when he's not gonna take it anymore! So today, I am gonna kick your fatass-
This is just like old times. Let's get some pizza!
Yeah, yea, pizza sounds cool, yeah. Okay, yeah. Buy us some pizza.
[more time passes and the pizza is all gone]
Man we had some good times. Hey, remember when you locked me in the closet and forgot I was in there? You guys. Always giving me the business-
Shut up, butthole! It's finally time to kick your ass!
[the door opens] Oh! Caitlyn's home from the pool.
Okay, yeah, let's check out what your wife looks like in a bathing suit. That'll be cool, yeah.
Ooh! Good idea.
Hey Butt-head, I think we got enough coins out of the river to get the bike fixed.
Uh, that means it's enough money to buy beer with, dumbass.
Oh yeah, yeah. Beer rules. You're a good friend, Butt-head.
You're damn right.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Beavis and Butt-Head pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.