Smart Beavis quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Butt-head

They missed.

Beavis

Yeah, by a mile. They suck at kissing.

Butt-head

They're never gonna score.

Beavis

Well, you know, I'd score with them. I would not miss.

Beavis

Is this like, Thanksgiving or something?

Butt-head

Uh, yeah I think so.

Beavis

When is Thanksgiving?

Butt-head

Uh, I think it's like the third November of the year or something.

Beavis

Oh, yeah yeah.

Butt-head

Remember that time your mom tried to have Thanksgiving, 'cause like, she had that boyfriend for like a week?

Beavis

Oh yeah yeah, that's right.

Butt-head

Lots of dudes are thankful for your mom, Beavis.

Beavis

Oh yeah yeah... yeah. Yeah...

Butt-head

Uh, I mean a lot of dudes, Beavis.

Beavis

Butt-head, come on.

Butt-head

I mean, like, hundreds of dudes.

Beavis

Shut up, Butt-head!

Butt-head

They all go around the table, and ask what they're thankful for, and they all say "Beavis's mom."

Beavis

Come on, Butt-head, that's enough. Come on. You know, I do like this video, though.

Butt-head

Uhhh... it is pretty cool. But don't change the subject, Beavis. On the first Thanksgiving, the Indians taught the Pilgrims how to eat maize, and the Pilgrims taught the Indians how to do your mom.

Beavis

Yeah. They're like, "See? It's easy!" Come on, Butt-head.

Butt-head

On the first Thanksgiving, the Pilgrims and Squanto pulled a train on your mom.

Beavis

Come on, Butt-head!

Butt-head

And there was peace throughout the land, 'cause everyone got a piece of your mom.

Beavis

Okay, come on, Butt-head, enough.

Butt-head

Anyway, in all seriousness, Beavis, I know I make fun of your mom a lot, but that's because she's a slut.

Beavis

Shut up, Butt-head! She is not! She just has sex with lots and lots of guys, that's all.

Butt-head

Oh. I stand corrected.

Beavis

Besides Butt-head, I heard somewhere that um, slut is like, like a good word now. You know, like, "Yeah yeah, I'm a slut! Yeah!"

Butt-head

Uhhhh, oh. Well then, like I was saying, your mom is the biggest slut of all time.

Beavis

Yeah, thank you. I'll tell her you said that.

We could burn like evergreen, we could fire up every tree...

Butt-head

Uh, is this like, choir music?

Beavis

Yeah, it probably sucks, but it's called "Burning Fffire", so like, you know, maybe give it a chance, because you know... fire! Yeah. I mean, you know, maybe they'll burn this guy with a beard or something, I don't know.

Butt-head

I sure hope so.

Butt-head

He's like, "Oh, you've got COVID!"

Beavis

Yeah, yeah, "Let's go celebrate!"

Beavis

I can't figure out if this is like, like some kind of truck commercial, or like, insurance, or like for some prescription drugs or something, you know?

Butt-head

Yeah. I think it's like for boner pills.

Beavis

Side effects may include a burning fffire!

Butt-head

Camino is not suitable for anybody. Do not take Camino if, uh... well just don't take it. It sucks.

Beavis

See now, I think that's supposed to be Camino when he's old, and he's shaved off his beard.

Butt-head

No it's not, Beavis. That's his dad, and the other chick is his mom. They're ashamed of their son.

Beavis

Yeah, it's like, "He's out there in a field singing a song that sucks. We need to stop him, now!"

Butt-head

"We did our best, honey, and he's still singing."

Beavis

"Why don't you quit crying then, and go out there and do something about it?"

Butt-head

Yeah. "Grandma, get me my lighter and a can of gas. I'll show him a burning fire."

Beavis

Yeah, give Camino something to cry about.

Whores in this house, there's some whores in this house, there's some whores in this house...

Old Butt-head

This looks like one of those videos where they're like trying to sell a house.

Old Beavis

Yeah, like that time we went to that open house to get free cookies, and they made us watch a video.

Old Butt-head

Yeah. She was like, "Can I answer any questions about the property?"

Old Beavis

"Yeah, yeah, I was wondering, are there any whores in this house?"

Old Butt-head

"Yes there are, there are several whores in this house."

Old Beavis

"The house does include a big old butt on the wall, and lots of boobs, and a tiger."

Old Butt-head

"Oh, and the tigers are also whores. And they are included."

Old Beavis

"The schools are fantastic. There's some whores in this house, and the roof is brand new."

Old Butt-head

"The house has an Olympic-sized pool that's one foot deep."

Old Beavis

"Yeah, it's great for little kids, or whores, you know, or both! You know."

Old Butt-head

"Uh, ma'am, I have a question about the plumbing. I've heard it can get wet and gushy in here."

Old Beavis

"Uh, yes sir, it can, and that's just because of the whores, you know? There are some whores in this house, you know?"

Old Beavis

You know, um, you know that's really disgusting, Butt-head. I mean it's okay for grown-ups, but they should make a clean version of this song. You know, like, "Damp Vagina", well I mean not that, but you know like- but maybe that! I mean, you know, "Damp Vagina." Kinda has a ring to it, you know? Kinda romantic.

Old Butt-head

Well I wish we had some whores in this house.

Old Beavis

I guess. I don't even know where we'd put them, you know? Does this couch fold out?

Old Butt-head

Uhhhh... I don't know. It doesn't matter anyway. There's no whores in this house.

Beavis

Hey hey, is he gonna vomit? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, VOMIT, VOMIT! VOMIT! VOMIT, DAMMIT!

Butt-head

Settle down, Beavis.

When he was six weeks...

Butt-head

Buttcheeks?

Beavis

WHERE, WHERE, WHERE? Buttcheeks?

Butt-head

They didn't show buttcheeks, dumbass, he just said "buttcheeks."

Beavis

Yeah, yeah! That's cool.

Mr. Blue Veins...

Butt-head

Mr. Blue Vein?

Beavis

Yeah. Hey, Butt-head. I have a blue vein.

Butt-head

Okay, Beavis.

Beavis

Yeah. Yeah. Hey, Butt-head. Hey, Butt-head. Check it out.

Butt-head

UGHH!

Beavis

Come on, hey Butt-head! Butt-head! Check it out.

Butt-head

Put Mr. Blue Vein away, Beavis!

It'll be a Wednesday, and I'll be going to this coffee shop, hear the barista call an oat milk latte and your name, and I look up from my phone and think there's no chance it's you, but it is...

Butt-head

Uhhh...

Beavis

Uh...

...say, "How's your family? How's your sister?" I'll say, "Shannon's being Shannon." After a minute of nonsensical chatter, you'll say...

Beavis

Does she know that the video's started yet?

Butt-head

She can't decide if she's like talking or singing or rapping or just not really trying very hard.

We've been swimming on the edge of a cliff...

Beavis

Wait wait a second... "swimming on the edge of a cliff"? I- I don't understand that. I don't get that at all.

Butt-head

Maybe it's like, uhhh, there's like a waterfall or something.

Beavis

No, no, that would be a waterfall, it's not a cliff. No, it doesn't make any sense. It doesn't make any sense. Swimming on the edge of a cliff? I don't get it.

Butt-head

Uhh, okay Beavis. It's dumb. Do you get that?

... We've been swimming...

Beavis

Well maybe there's like a baby pool- but you can't swim in a baby pool. Yeah I don't understand it.

Butt-head

Dammit Beavis, who cares? It's just stupid.

Beavis

If there was a pool on the edge of a cliff- just think about for like a couple minutes. If there was a pool at the edge of a cliff-

Butt-head

[getting annoyed] Uhh, anyway Beavis-

Beavis

Where's the edge of the pool? Is that the cliff?

Butt-head

Dammit Beavis, shut up!

Beavis

Wait a minute, maybe, maybe the whole cliff is made of water, or it's ice, because, you know, because then that's part of- no no, that isn't it.

You'll suggest a restaurant we used to go to...

Butt-head

She'd be a cool girlfriend, 'cause you could like come home and just say "Well, how was your day?" and then she'd be like "Bleh bleh bleh it was a Wednesday and duh-duh-duh...

Beavis

I'm sorry to keep harping on this, but I'm thinking about the cliff again, and maybe, maybe it's just like an above-ground pool. [Butt-head looks incredibly agitated] One of those infinite pools or something, but-

Butt-head

Dammit Beavis, if you say one more thing about the cliff, I'm gonna smack the living crap out of you.

Beavis

Hang on, hang on, let me just circle back to the cliff for a second, okay hear me out. My grandmother's favorite actor is Montgomery Clift. Now if he had a pool at his house- [Butt-head smacks Beavis] AHHH!

Beavis

Um...is this Richard Marx?

Butt-head

Uh, no. This is that Keith dude! From the Family.

Beavis

You mean Bonaduce?

Butt-head

No, dumbass. This is his big brother. Keith.

Beavis

Whoa! Keith Bonaduce! Bonaduce. Bonaduce.

Butt-head

Yeah.