Smart Beavis quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Butt-head

How come there's always sperm in videos now?

Beavis

Yeah, I don't know, um...

Butt-head

I think, like, the band makes the video, and then like, the executives come in and say, "Uhh...well, it's pretty cool, but uh, could you put some sperm in there somewhere?"

Beavis

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, really. You know, um, I could provide 'em with, um--

Butt-head

Beavis, stop it!

Butt-head

Oh no, this is Blind Melon! Did you know all these guys are blind?

Beavis

No way, really?

Butt-head

Yeah. I saw it on MTV News.

Beavis

Whoa, I'll be damned! You know the cool thing about being blind, is that, like, if a crappy video comes on, you don't have to watch it, see?

Butt-head

Uhh, yeah. Okay, Beavis.

Butt-head

What's this crap?

Beavis

Yeah. This chick looks like that one porno star.

Butt-head

No way, Beavis, that's that chick from that Hairspray movie.

Beavis

Oh yeah.

Butt-head

Look at this dork!

Beavis

Yeah. What is this, Battle of the Dorks?

Butt-head

I think we have a winner.

Beavis

I think we have a wiener.

Butt-head

This looks like one of those commercials for K-tel Records.

Beavis

Yeah.

Butt-head

"Hey, Beavis! I hear disco is making a comeback!"

Beavis

Yeah. "Just dial 1-800-WUSS!"

Butt-head

Whoa! This sucks!

Beavis

Yeah. And it sucks, too.

Butt-head

That's what I said! Bumwipe.

Beavis

Oh yeah.

Butt-head

She's pretty friendly for a chick with a Mohawk.

Beavis

Yeah. Chicks with Mohawks are cool.

Butt-head

Does she want candy?

Beavis

Yeah. She wants a Baby Ruth and some Starburst.

Butt-head

And some wacky wafers.

Beavis

Yeah. Yeah.

Butt-head

Hey Beavis, check this out. (Mocking Garth Brooks singing in warbled voice) "Somewheeere It never should beeeeeeeeen~!

Beavis

It looks like a zombie.

Butt-head

Yeah... (Mocking the singer in warbled voice again) THUNDER ROOOOOOOOOOLL~! Whatever happened to country songs about whisky, drinkin', and butt-kicking?

Beavis

Yes! This song kicks ass! Yeah! The video kicks ass, too.

Butt-head

Uhhh... what? What did you just say?

Beavis

[stuttering] Err, I didn't say anything.

Butt-head

Uhh... I thought I heard you say "this kicks ass." Did you say that, Beavis?

Beavis

No no, I was talking about something else.

Butt-head

Don't lie to me, Beavis. I heard you loud and clear.

Beavis

[stuttering] I was just joking, Butt-head. You know, just saying "this kicks ass," but it sucks, you know? I was just being like... iconic or... you know who sucks the worst, is J-Hope. Yeah. He doesn't even have the positive attitude you know, like Suga.

Butt-head

You know their names??? What the hell has gotten into you, Beavis?!

Beavis

[defensive] I was kidding, Butt-head, I don't like these guys! I just said they suck! You know, I just um, I just know their names... because I hate 'em so much, that's all.

Butt-head

Beavis, I'm going to leave now. I'm gonna leave you with your... uh, seven, or eight...or 15, BTS, boy band, dudes. [leaves the room]

Beavis

Come on, Butt-head, I- I just wasn't paying attention or something, come on... [starts to dance to the song]

Butt-head

[coming back into the room to see Beavis twerking and dancing] You know, Beavis, I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed- Jesus Christ, Beavis!

Beavis

[flustered] Come on, Butt-head, I-I-I was just...

Butt-head

What the hell is going on in here?!

Beavis

I was just thinking about something else.

Butt-head

Beavis, I wish I'd walked in here and you were taking a dump on the couch. Or doing homework. Anything would be better than that.

Beavis

Okay, okay...

Butt-head

Beavis, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

Beavis

I think this is my house though.

Butt-head

Not anymore, Beavis.

Beavis

Okay. [leaves the room] I'll just come back later.

Butt-head

No. Never come back. Bunghole.

Beavis

Whoa! All those like, crystal things and those funguses look really cool.

Butt-head

Yeah. If nature looked like this, maybe I wouldn't hate it so much.

Beavis

Yeah, I hate the forest.

Butt-head

[chortling] White people...

Beavis

You know, I was thinking like, people couldn't even get any whiter, and then you know, look at this.

Butt-head

They are the whitest people I have ever seen. I think this is music for like, white people that have never had anything bad happen to them.

Beavis

They've never had adversity.

Butt-head

They decided to rebel against their parents by making even softer rock.

Beavis

Yeah yeah, don't express yourself too much. Come on.

Butt-head

These guys were like, "That music in the elevators is too balls out for us."

I can barely touch my own self...

Butt-head

He can't touch himself?

Beavis

Um... th - that's not really very funny. I - it's like, um, that couldn't happen to me, could it?

Butt-head

Uh...

Beavis

H - h - hey, wait! W - w - wait a - wait a minute, wait a minute!

Butt-head

That wasn't a chick, was it?

Beavis

I think it was, Butt-head. I think a saw a couple boobs!

Beavis

Hey, change it, Butt-head, this is making me dizzy.

Butt-head

Come on, Beavis! It'll give you a good buzz.

Beavis

Yeah, but it's like, I'm getting sick to my stomach, come on!