Smart Beavis quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Beavis

Whoa, check it out, Butt-head, she doesn't have a mouth!

Butt-head

Yeah. He finally found a chick who can't tell him his music sucks.

Beavis

Shut up, Butt-head! I kinda like it, you know? He's just kinda lazy. [imitating Post Malone] "A bad guy now... I don't believe it..."

Butt-head

Yeah, he looks lazy.

Beavis

Yeah, that's cool.

Butt-head

Whoa! She grew her own noose so she could kill herself, 'cause he sucks.

Beavis

Shut up, Butt-head. This kicks ass.

Butt-head

"Well, the noose didn't work. I guess I better drown myself."

Beavis

Shut up, Butt-head! She just needs to go wash her hair for Post Malone. People keep stepping on it.

Butt-head

Boy, when Post Malone smokes, he smokes... and smokes and smokes.

Beavis

Yeah, he just smokes the bejesus out of those cigarettes.

Butt-head

When Post Malone smokes a cigarette, that cigarette knows it's been smoked.

Beavis

If you're a cigarette, and you see Post Malone coming, you can kiss your butt goodbye.

Butt-head

Pretty soon he's gonna have to have one of those throat voice box things where you have a hole in your throat.

Beavis

Yeah, then he'll probably sound like, you know... well... well he'll probably sound the same. Just like this, yeah. [imitating Post Malone] Mum-a-sum-a-dip-a-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-toilet...

Butt-head

Uh, wait a minute. Maybe he's had one of those all along.

Beavis

Oh yeah yeah. That's why he's wearing that turtleneck! You know, I used to think smoking was really cool until you get that hole in your throat, but now he's even made that cool!

Butt-head

Yep. He kicks ass. But he also gets tired really fast, and that's why he sounds all lazy when he sings. He's like, "Ugh... my back, ugh... you take it for a minute, Roddy Ricch. I'm exhausted."

Beavis

"Ugh, just need to sit down and have a cigarette. You know, I've been working real hard smoking, I'm gonna have a little smoke break here."

Butt-head

Yup. The best time to have a cigarette is right after a cigarette.

Beavis

[as dancers dance around Post Malone and Roddy Ricch] Look at that old guy down at the bottom trying to weasel into the party.

Butt-head

Uh, I think that's, like, his doctor. He's trying to dance his way up to Post Malone to tell him he only has six weeks to live.

Beavis

He's like, "Yeah yeah yeah, hey everybody, hey Post, can I talk to you for a minute? Yeah yeah yeah, it's kind of important."

Butt-head

Yeah he's like, "Uh, Roddy Ricch, can you tell Post Malone to come over here for a minute?"

Beavis

"Post! Post, the X-rays don't look good, I need to talk to you right now."

Butt-head

"Well, never mind, he'll find out soon enough."

Beavis

"Yeah. Nothing we can do anyway."

Take your bitch, give her back, insane, sent her packing, she was acting...

Smart Butt-head

People less sophisticated than ourselves might assume that this is a man stumbling around intoxicated in his own backyard, and should be handed over to the authorities.

Smart Beavis

Yes, but we know better.

Smart Butt-head

These are sophisticated dance moves with great meaning.

Smart Beavis

Yes, it will take our scientists many centuries to interpret what he is saying through the language of dance.

Smart Butt-head

Yes yes. The probability of him urinating in his own pants is zero.

A million tracks, I need it cash, cake...

Smart Beavis

Did you catch that, Smart Butt-head? He's is expressing his earthly desire for fornication and a carton of smokes.

Smart Butt-head

Ah yes, yes indeed.

[his hand is down his pants] ... but it's different...

Smart Beavis

Oh look at this. He is paying tribute to the god of fertility.

Smart Butt-head

Yes yes, by placing his hand near his Earth penis,I believe this is how they pledge of allegiance.

Smart Beavis

Yes yes.

Smart Butt-head

The Earth penis is a much less intelligent organ than our space penis.

Smart Beavis

Yes yes, primitive 16-bit Earth penis, yes yes.

Smart Beavis

I do not understand what he appears to be doing now. What is the meaning of this, Smart Butt-head?

Smart Butt-head

He's is performing the ancient moves necessary before immersion in the basin of purification.

Smart Beavis

Ah, yes indeed. Yes, I believe you are correct, Smart Butt-head. Yes.

Smart Butt-head

Humans must reach the exalted state they call "krunk" before immersion into the pool of infinity.

Smart Beavis

Yes, yes. That pool, like the wisdom of Post Malone is infinite.

Second verse, second verse, yay, second verse...

Smart Beavis

This is very good, Smart Butt-head.

Smart Butt-head

Yes yes, very good. I do not understand why it was not nominated for the Space Oscars.

Smart Beavis

Ah, yes. It is a travesty.

Smart Butt-head

Post Malone has become quite wealthy doing this.

Smart Beavis

Yes yes, it is no wonder the earthlings have made him their king.

Smart Beavis

What do those words on his face mean?

Smart Butt-head

They mean one thing, Smart Beavis. "Kidnap me, and probe my anus."

Smart Beavis

Yes, yes.

Smart Butt-head

Perhaps we should lure him into our spacecraft with a forty-ouncer and a pack of cigarettes and take him to our home planet for study.

Smart Beavis

Yes yes, forty ounces is the optimal volume for malt liquor.

Smart Butt-head

Thirty-two ounce does not get you messed up sufficiently, and fifty-two ounces is too heavy to hold.

Smart Beavis

Yes yes. Do you think he would mind being probed?

Smart Butt-head

I do not think he would mind, or notice.

Smart Beavis

Yes yes.

Beavis

Check it out, it's Pussy Galore!

Butt-head

That's that chick from that movie about that guy with those numbers.

Beavis

Yeah. He's got two zeros in his number so that he can kill people. That's cool!

Butt-head

Yeah. James Bong.

Beavis

You said "bong."

Butt-head

Check it out, a toilet!

Beavis

Yeah, yeah! M-80 it.

Butt-head

We should have a toilet installed right in front of the TV. That would be cool!

Beavis

We could put a uriner right next to the TV.

Butt-head

Yeah. That sucks when you have to take a leak, and you gotta, like, leave the room.

Beavis

Yeah. We can just take a leak right here.

Butt-head

They don't have enough toilets in videos.

Beavis

Yeah. They need more toilets in videos. That would be cool.

Butt-head

Yeah. Like more of those uriners.

Beavis

Yeah. Those are cool.

Beavis

Spit! Cool!

Butt-head

That's cool!

Beavis

Yeah!

Butt-head

Whoa! Fat people!

Beavis

Yeah, yeah. They don't have enough fat people in videos.

Butt-head

Yeah. And more spit in videos. Like, people hocking loogies.

Beavis

Yeah. Yeah. More spit, and more fat people.

Butt-head

Yeah. Fat people are cool!

Beavis

Yeah.

Butt-head

Whoa! They're cracking concrete!

Beavis

Um, [nonchalantly] you said "crack."

Butt-head

I think this video is, like, a tribute to turds.

Beavis

Yeah, it's about time. I've been meaning to do a tribute to my own turds. It's called "Poop: A Retrospective."

Butt-head

You know who I'd like to see roll around in a bunch of feces?

Beavis

Um...

Butt-head

Hootie & the Blowfish!

Beavis

Oh yeah. That would be cool. It'd be like, "With a little love, poop! And a little tenderness! Plop, plop!"

Butt-head

Yeah!

Beavis

"Plop, plop, plop!"

Butt-head

That would rule!

Beavis

Yeah, yeah! And I think it would really go with the music really well, too.