Smart Beavis quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Butt-head

You know, they really should make a Schlong-nnochio movie, 'cause then like, Jimmy Cricket could get it on with Tinkerbell, and then Peter Pan can grant him a real schlong, and they can all ride off on Dumbo. And then the cricket can be like, "Hey Tinkerbell, wanna see my seventh leg?"

Beavis

Yeah, "Hey Tinkerbell, how'd you like to see something that always grows up? Know what I'm saying?"

Butt-head

Okay Beavis, I have an idea for a game. Every time she says "bitch" I get to smack you.

Beavis

No way! Why would I do that?

Butt-head

Uhh, okay how about this? Every time she says "butt," you can smack me.

Beavis

Okay, yeah, I mean she's the queen of butts... your funeral.

Butt-head

Now let the games begin.

...I'll cut up the bitch, I'll gut the bitch... [Butt-head begins repeatedly smacking Beavis] Had to rough up the bitch, man, cut the bitch...

Beavis

[getting smacked] Ahh! Ahh! Ahh- okay, okay- I can't hear when you're smacking- ahh!

Won't shoot her but I will gun-butt the bitch...

Beavis

Wait, I think she- ahh! [gets smacked more] Hold on! Butt-head, I said- Ahh! Ahh!

When we say "Gun the bitch," dick up the bitch! She was stuck-up so my niggas stuck up the bitch!

Beavis

Ow! Ow! I think she said- ahh!

Still draggin' her, so don't pick up the bitch. Get the combination to the safe, drug the bitch. Know the whole operation been bugged the bitch...

Butt-head

I win. [smacks Beavis a few more times]

Beavis

Dammit! I did not think she would say "bitch" so much when I agreed- [Butt-head smacks him] Ahh! Wait, Butt-head, you can't smack me when I say it! Son of a bitch! No, wait- [gets smacked again] Ahh! Dammit, this game sucks!

Beavis

This video tells a message.

Butt-head

Yeah. The message is: Vince Neil is a wuss.

Beavis

Yeah. That guy from Danzig could kick his ass.

He's the one they call Dr. Feelgood...

Beavis

Hey, Butt-head. What does "Dr. Feelgood" mean?

Butt-head

That's, like, when the doctor makes you cough, and he puts his fingers on your nads.

Beavis

Yeah. That's cool.

Butt-head

Oh yeah? You don't have a female doctor, do you, Beavis?

Butt-head

This video has fire, and cars...

Beavis

Yeah. And tattoos, and leather.

Butt-head

Now all it needs is some chicks. Then it would be cool.

Beavis

Yeah.

Beavis

Fire! Fire! Fire!

Butt-head

Cool!

Butt-head

This isn't as cool as Scarface.

Beavis

Yeah.

Beavis

Whoa! There's, like, a mouth in those pants!

Butt-head

Yeah. I think it's your mom.

Beavis

Really? I don't think that's her, Butt-head.

Butt-head

Well, your mom's a road slut.

Beavis

Yeah, but not with Mötley Crüe. She like, hangs out with bands like Foghat and stuff.

Butt-head

She's a slut.

Beavis

Yeah. My mom's a slut!

Butt-head

Is that that Howard Stern dude singing?

Beavis

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah! That's that dude with the tiny wiener!

Hooligan's holiday...

Butt-head

Bennigan's holiday?

Beavis

Yeah. I thought they were open all the time.

Butt-head

Yeah. Someday, like, when I have a lot of money, I'm gonna go eat at Bennigan's.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah. That would be cool. I heard they got, like, chicks in referee outfits.

She came in like a lightning strike, rode out like thunder on the pla-a-ains..

Old Butt-head

"Rode out like thunder on a plaaaay-aaaa-aaaaiiiiizzzz..."

Old Beavis

What kind of music is this?

Old Butt-head

Uhh, this is like, country and wusstern.

Old Butt-head

Seeing this video makes me wanna just like, pave this entire place and put a giant parking lot on it.

Old Beavis

Yeah yeah! Maybe some strip malls, or, you know what would be really good is like, a stadium to cover up those mountains. Just such a waste of space!

Old Butt-head

Yeah. And also, like, this makes me wanna pull up next to that horse in a giant SUV with the bass pumped up really loud.

Old Beavis

Yeah, yeah! Where's your open air now, huh? [imitates loud bass]

Old Butt-head

"Oh I'm sorry, did I give your horse asthma? Must be all the exhaust. Let me rev the engine a little more." The outdoors sucks.

Old Beavis

Yeah yeah! I'm glad mankind kicked its ass!

Old Butt-head

This dude's like, "Uh, you know what you need, Jesus? You need my hat on top of your cross."

Old Beavis

"Yeah yeah, that looks better."

Old Butt-head

"You're an honorary cowboy now, Jesus."

Old Beavis

I can't remember. What kind of hat does Jesus usually wear? He's got like a beret, or like a headband, or something?

Old Butt-head

It's like, a crown made out of barbed wire or something.

Old Beavis

Oh yeah, that's pretty metal.

Old Butt-head

That's nothing. You should hear how he died. Now that's really metal.

Old Beavis

Oh wow. Well, I hope those priests don't find out about it. They do not like the metal.

Butt-head

Uhh...well, there's a big eyeball.

Beavis

Yeah, they need more big eyeballs in videos, like a big pile of eyeballs.

Butt-head

Yeah. What is all this stuff?

Beavis

Yeah, really. It's like, they're running through the grass, and then there's like, a house.

Butt-head

Yeah. Whatever happened to chicks with big thingies and cleavage and stuff like that?

Beavis

Yeah. Seems like they don't do that anymore.

Butt-head

These guys need to spend more time with sluts.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah. These guys aren't filthy enough.

Beavis

Whoa, are there like two lead singers for this band?

Butt-head

Uh, yeah. So what?

Beavis

Yeah but it's like, there's this dude, like, in overalls, and then there's this other dude.

Butt-head

So what, Beavis?

Beavis

I dunno, I just thought like, y'know, if there's two lead singers, it's like, y'know, that's something.