Smart Beavis quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

That guy's touching his wiener.

Beavis

Yeah. Heh heh. I'm gonna touch my wiener.

If you're, like, famous, you can touch your wiener and nobody cares. [scratching his wiener, chuckling]

Richard Marx, "Take This Heart

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[the video continuously showcases a Fiat car]

Old Beavis

How come they keep showing this car?

Well Beavis, that's because it's the Fiat 500X, the best mid-sized sedan on the market today.

Old Beavis

Really?

That's right, Beavis.

Old Beavis

I guess that looks pretty cool you know, but it seems like a car like that, like a 4-door you know wouldn't have like a lot of, like, pickup, you know, at the lights, you know?

That's where you're wrong, Beavis. Stupid and wrong. The Fiat's 1.3 liter multi-air turbo engine comes standard, and is equipped with fuel-saving engine stop-start technology offering 177 horsepower to dominate the road ahead.

Old Beavis

Wow, really? That sounds amazing! But uh, I don't know, Butt-head, it is a little hard to believe, you know?

Well, the Fiat 500X will make a believer out of you, dumbass. And you know what's even more shocking, Beavis? You won't have sticker shock.

Old Beavis

Uh, I don't know what that is, so I probably won't have it anyway.

Dammit Beavis, sticker shock means, like, it's super expensive, and the Fiat 500X is very affordable.

Old Beavis

It's probably, like, made in some foreign country, like over in Europe or something.

Most of the parts are made right here in the good old USA, providing jobs to people like you and me.

Old Beavis

What? Like you and me? We don't even have jobs!

No, we don't, and we never will, but if we did, we'd be working on the Fiat 500X, which Car and Driver recently called "the ultimate thrill ride." Could you see yourself driving this car, Beavis?

Old Beavis

But what does this car have to offer someone like me who had his license suspended?

Uhhhh... it offers you nothing. Fiat doesn't want you. The Fiat is for winners only. Do you see yourself with a bus pass while I bang your mom in the backseat of the Fiat 500X with its roomy interior? Again, just like your mom.

Old Beavis

Shut up, Butt-head.

Uhhhh, hey Beavis, look outside and check and see if there's a free Fiat out there.

Old Beavis

Why would Fiat give you a free car?

Just go look. See if you see a Fiat 500X. [Beavis leaves to go look]

Old Beavis

I don't see anything, Butt-head.

Uhhh, are you sure?

Old Beavis

Yup. No cars out here at all.

Dammit. Never mind. Fiats suck. It's a tiny crap wagon.

Old Beavis

You'd never fit in one anyway, Butt-head, 'cause you're too fat.

Yeah.

Ava Max, "Torn

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Is this that show about that deaf lawyer?

Beavis

Yeah.

Hey, Beavis. I'd like to make a motion.

Beavis

Yeah! Me too! [moons the TV screen]

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Beavis

Yes!

WHOA! "Cop Rock" reruns!

Beavis

Yeah! "Cop Rock" reruns! This is cool!

This is the one where they sing in court.

Beavis

No way, this is the one where they sing in that locker room.

That's the same show, dumbass. There only was one show!

Beavis

Yeah, but it was cool!

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[the judge stands on his bench and plays a saxophone]

No sax in court!

Beavis

Yeah!

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The prostitution rests!

Beavis

Yeah! Change it! Change it, quick!

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[video opens with Ron Jeremy driving a convertible]

Beavis

Um...uh, hey, this guy looks familiar. Um...whoa, that's that guy! Remember when we saw those naked movies at your uncle's house? That's the guy that was in 'em, right there!

Uhh...how do you know, Beavis?

Beavis

I recognize him, that's him! That's the guy that was in those naked movies, remember? It's like, he had his schlong and he was, like, you know, like, doing that, um...you know, something...

You were looking at that guy's face when there was all that porn action going on?

Beavis

Well, you were probably looking at his wiener. Dumbass.

The Meices, "Daddy's Gone to California

No, I wasn't. I was looking, like, around his wiener.

Beavis

Oh yeah.

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Beavis

So like, I guess he's, like, in a band or something?

No. This band probably just, like, keeps him around 'cause he can get chicks.

Beavis

Oh yeah. How come that guy gets to be in naked movies? He's just, like, a big, fat, ugly slob.

Yeah! Well...you're almost there, Beavis, all you need to do is just, like, get fat.

Beavis

Really? Um, how do I get big and fat?

The Meices, "Daddy's Gone to California

Uhh...I don't know.

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I'm getting sick and tired of dudes who sing like this.

Beavis

Yeah, it's like, it's like, almost every damn video you see has, like, some guy singing like this.

Yeah. It's like, he's trying to be alternative.

Beavis

Um...yeah, yeah. Yeah, y - y - yeah, something like that, yeah.

The Meices, "Daddy's Gone to California

And it sucks!

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Beavis

Butt-head, that kid has the exact same shorts and shoes that you do.

Uh, oh yeah. He looks cool! He should get like a gray t-shirt with AC/DC on it, then he would kick ass.

Kids

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Beavis

Okay, here we go, another video. Line 'em up.

Yeah!

[a car peels out]

Beavis

Yeah, peel out! Burn rubber, yeah! Tear aaassssss!

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[two young men with long hair go inside a house]

Beavis

Yeah yeah, fight! Fight! Fight!

Yeah, hit him!

[a pumpkin is shown on their doorstep]

Beavis

Kick the pumpkin! Check it out, these hippies are gonna smash the pumpkin.

Uh, no. Hippies never break stuff.

Beavis

Um, what about that Gallagher dude?

Oh yeah. He's, like, really irritating, and he's not very funny.

Beavis

Yeah yeah, really.

But then it's pretty cool because he starts smashing stuff.

Beavis

Yeah, it's like, you have to sit through all this stuff that doesn't make any sense, and it's like, he starts breaking stuff and, like, throwing stuff at the audience.

Yeah.

Beavis

Yeah.

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[the young men start vandalizing vehicles]

Uh...that's good, shaving cream on the van.

Beavis

Yeah. Throwing eggs, very nice. M hm.

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[the young men throw rolls of toilet paper over a tree]

It's like, I don't understand toilet papering someone's house. It's like, you're just doing 'em a favor.

Beavis

Yeah, really. I wish someone would toilet paper my house. I've been wiping my butt with newspaper for about a month!

Yeah. I've been using this washcloth.

Beavis

Oh yeah, yeah, I've been using that same washcloth, yeah.

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[as Nicki Minaj dances while attached to puppet strings]

Uh. I think she's supposed to be, like, Pinocchio, but when she lies, her butt grows bigger.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah, yeah, she's been doing a whole lotta lying, you know what I'm saying? I wish when I lied, my schlong would grow bigger, because then I'd like, "Hey baby, I have a gigantic schlong," and I'd be lying, but then my schlong would get bigger, because I'm lying, see? And then it would be true though, so I don't know if it shrinks again, or I don't know how that works, you know? I don't know what the Pinocchio rules are. Yeah, maybe it would just like start growing and shrinking back and forth, you know, because it grows and then I'm not lying, and then it shrinks and then I'm lying, so it goes back and forth, it's kinda going boi-oing-oing-g-oing-g-oing-boing-boing-boing, and then I wouldn't even need the chick, you know? I could just have my schlong do all the work, and I wouldn't need my hands either! I could go eat lunch or something, you know? Go about my business. Maybe take up a new hobby, you know like, uh like um, I don't know, like spanking my- oh, no. Never mind.

That was quite a ride, Beavis.

Beavis

I guess what I'm saying though is like I wish I could lie a lot, and have a big schlong. That's all.