Smart Beavis quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Old Butt-head

We should like, go to one of these concerts, and like, crawl around, and eat dirt.

Old Beavis

Yeah, you know it's probably really really loud too, you know, and I'm already hard of hearing. So, you know, might as well just finish the job.

Old Butt-head

That's right. Get 'er done.

Old Beavis

Huh? Quarter to what?

Old Butt-head

This video like, takes me back to a simpler time.

Old Beavis

Back when we'd just like sit on a couch, watch stuff like this...

Old Butt-head

Not a care in the world.

Old Beavis

Yeah, yeah those were the days. But now I have to go to the unemployment office, and I gotta go get my EBT card, ugh...

Old Butt-head

Adulting. [chortles]

Old Butt-head

Uh, is that a suitcase full of scrambled eggs?

Old Beavis

Yeah yeah!

Old Butt-head

It's like, scrambled eggs is the most metal way to cook eggs.

Old Beavis

Yeah, yeah, someone's like, "Um, I'll have my eggs over-easy please." "NOOOO! I DON'T GIVE A GOD-DAAAAMN! ABOUT YOUR OVER-EASYYY! YOUR EGGS WILL BE SCRAMBLED! BY THE LAMB OF GOOOD!"

Beavis

Whoa! You think he smuggled those Grammies in inside his butt?

Butt-head

Uhh, yeah. That's why he's cleaning them off. Everything in prison comes in through your butt. [a twerking male is seen] See that guy right there? He's about to pull a Little League trophy out of his butt.

Beavis

Yeah, nowadays, everyone gets a trophy, you know?

Butt-head

Yeah. Good for your self-esteem, bad for your butt.

Beavis

Is he like, working at T-Mobile now?

Butt-head

Uh, I think you have to work at T-Mobile when you're in prison.

Beavis

Oh, that sucks. I thought you just get to like sit around and watch TV all the time. You have to work? At T-Mobile? Yeah, that's like, inhumane or something.

Butt-head

This video's like really groundbreaking, 'cause like, Jack Harlow's not in it. [Jack Harlow appears] Uhhh... Oh... never mind.

Beavis

Oh yeah... there he is...

Butt-head

Someone should do something about Jack Harlow being in every video. [Jack Harlow is in an electric chair, and electrocuted by Lil Nas X] Uh, oh. I guess they did.

... but here, we don't. Welcome to Montero.

Butt-head

Uh, I think this is supposed to be like, that garden in the Bible, where that chick, Eve or Eden, or whatever her name is eats that fruit that she wasn't supposed to, and then it like puts a curse on the earth.

Beavis

See, that's one of those stories that has a moral, you know? And the moral is fruit sucks.

Butt-head

Yeah. So do gardens. Then remember that other part of the story where like, God takes the rib out of that dude, and makes a chick?

Beavis

You know, if I could do that, I would have no rib cage.

Beavis

You know, Lil Nas X could probably score with any chick in this video that he wanted to, you know? And he definitely wants to.

Butt-head

He's all about the ladies. Did you know the X in Lil Nas X stands for "extremely interested in chicks?"

Beavis

Wait, who's that? Is that Satan?

Butt-head

No, it's Darth Maul. Satan is like, part of the Marvel Universe.

Beavis

Oh, yeah yeah.

Butt-head

Uh, remember that time that guy wanted you to be a Satanist, and then he said he'd take you to the Satanic Church, but it was just a room over his mom's garage?

Beavis

Oh, yeah yeah. Yeah, I thought there'd be like naked chicks and like, blood and stuff, but he just wanted to sit around and talk about low taxes, and... and Liberatarianism or something, I don't know. It's like, that's not evil, it's just stupid!

Butt-head

And it's also boring, Beavis. And I don't wanna hear about it either. So shut up.

Beavis

Oh, and um, remind me to tell you later what he said about who controls the media. You'd be surprised, it's not who you think. Oh and you know what else? Did you know that 7-Eleven was an inside job? They don't want you to know that.

Butt-head

They suck.

Butt-head

This is like, the same dance they did in Party Rock Anthem, except they're like pretending they're choking their chicken while they're doing it. I like it.

Beavis

Yeah yeah, yeah it's like, you know, they're like um, growing as artists, or something?

Beavis

You know, I thought like, that the ecomony sucks, and it's like, nobody has a job, and um, these guys are just spraying around expensive champagne everywhere.

Butt-head

Uh. I heard they have like a really rich dad, and then that one, tall dude is the other dude's uncle, and like, their grandpa is like the same guy, so they don't care.

Beavis

Whoa, really?

Butt-head

Yeah. It's too bad we weren't born as them.

Beavis

You know, why is that? How come we were born as us?

Butt-head

Uhhhhhhh... I don't know.

Butt-head

Is this PBS?

Beavis

Umm...uhh...I don't know.

Butt-head

Oh yeah.

Butt-head

Look at her thingies!

Beavis

Yeah, yeah! I like when they push together really close.

Butt-head

Yeah. That's pretty cool.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah.

Beavis

Um...

Butt-head

Uh, this sounds different.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it was slower before.

Butt-head

Yeah. And she was walking slower before, too, and she had bigger hooters.

Beavis

Yeah.

Butt-head

Madonna's always, like, masturbating during her videos.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah. So am I! You know, during her videos? Yeah.

Butt-head

Yeah, but like, when she masturbates, she's still doing it with Madonna. When you spank your monkey, you're just doing it with Beavis!

Beavis

Um, that's little Beavis. Boy, if I was Madonna, I would, like, fondle my boobs constantly.