Remember that time we went to the circus, and we saw that clown? And then I, like, pulled down my pants-- [a woman's nipple is shown] Whoa, check it out! I just saw a nipple, Butt-head, look!
Butt-headWhere?
It was - it was, like, right at the end of a boob!
Butt-head
Beavis, that's just a puppet nipple.
Um...uh...no it wasn't! W - what do you mean?
Butt-head
That's just, like, a chick made out of clay, Beavis.
Um...oh. Yeah yeah, but...she has a nipple on it!
Butt-head
Beavis, I could go get some clay now and make a boob with a nipple on it. So what?
Um...wait a minute. You have some clay?
Butt-head
No.
Damn. Next time they have those clay projects in school, I'm gonna make a big boob. Yeah. Maybe a butt, too.
Butt-head
Yeah. Last time, you just made an ashtray. It sucked.
Oh yeah. Well, you made a baseball.
Butt-head
Oh yeah. Then the teacher called me a lazy turd.
Oh yeah. So then you made that.
Butt-head
Yeah. But not out of clay.
[video opens with two rats moving across a wet floor]
Butt-head
Rats are cool!
Yeah. Somebody better call the Orkin Man. [Tori Amos is holding a candle] Whoa, candle! Candle! Candle! Candle!
Butt-head
Candles rule.
Yeah. Yeah. Have you ever seen those alarm clocks, that they're like, candles, and you stick 'em up your butt?
Butt-head
Uh, I've never heard of that, Beavis.
Yeah, yeah. It's like, they have all these times written on the side, and then you light it and sleep on your stomach, and then when it like, burns down to the time, it's like, it's like, it gets on your butt and you go, "AHHHHHH-HHHHHHHH-HHHHHHHHHH!" and then you wake up. Yeah.
Butt-head
Really?
Yeah. I'll show you one, my uncle has a whole bunch of 'em. He usually gives me one for my birthday.
[Tori Amos is seen playing with rats and snakes]
Butt-head
This chick is psycho!
Yeah, it's like, you know, it's like, she's pretty hot, but it's like, I don't know, man. I'd, like, stay away from her.
Butt-head
Yeah. It's like, she's got a nice body and everything, but if you went out with her, she'd probably, like, put a rat's head on your bed or something.
That wouldn't be so bad, it's just...she'd probably chop off your wiener, too.
Butt-head
Oh yeah. You don't want to get involved with a chick who has like, a whole bunch of pets.
Yeah, yeah. They get all psycho!
Butt-head
Hey, that looks like that dude who comes by to check the butane.
Oh yeah, yeah. I saw that guy in my yard once, I thought he was a trespasser, so I started shooting him with my BB gun, and it's like--
Butt-head
Shut up, Beavis, those pigs are doing it!
Really? Oh! Yeah. That's cool!
How come that pig can score, and we can't?
Butt-head
Uh...well, the only reason that pig scored is 'cause he was, like, in a video.
Oh yeah, yeah. I forgot about that.
Butt-head
Yeah. Like, if pigs had a video...
Butt-head
and like, we were in that video...
Butt-head
...then like, we could score.
Hmm. You mean, like, with a pig?
Butt-head
No, dumbass! With a chick in the video!
Butt-head
No, Beavis! I'm talking like, about, like, a human chick.
Butt-head
Just a regular chick!
Ohh! Oh, oh, oh. Oh, I see. Yeah. Yeah, th - th - that's pretty cool, yeah.
Butt-head
What's the deal with this short dude?
Butt-head
Is he, like, in the band, or is he just, like, some weird dude?
Really. It's like, all these videos now, they like, just get a couple weird dudes, and just like, shake the camera around and just, like, do a bunch of crap.
Butt-head
Yeah. They need to get back to the basics, like chicks in bikinis and explosions.
[close-up shot of a woman's breasts]
I wish I had boobs like that.
Butt-head
Yeah. If I had boobs like that, I'd never leave the house.
I'd leave the house so I could go get a mirror, and look at my boobs.
Butt-head
Whoa! He's holding a wiener!
Hey, Butt-head. You know that video about that guy who lost his penis? He should watch this video!
Butt-head
That's not his penis, Beavis! Uh [chuckles]...his Beavis, penis! Penis, Beavis!
Butt-head
Penis, Beavis, Uranus!
SHUT UP! Shut up, Butt-head! I'll kick your ass!
Butt-head
Well, at least my name doesn't rhyme with "penis."
Shut up, Butt-head. Your mom's a slut.
Butt-head
Beavis, we weren't talking about my mom. We're talking about how your name sounds like "penis."
TJTom Jones
You don't have to be rich to be my girl, you don't have to be cool to rule my world...
Hey, Butt-head. Do you have to be, like, cool to rule my world?
Butt-head
No, you just have to be stupid.
Butt-head
Kiss this! [Beavis moons the TV screen]
I like that song "Gett Off" better. And "Cream."
Butt-head
You said "get off." That was cool.
[Kat Bjelland: Liar.]
[Kat Bjelland: Liar.]
Fire? Fire, fire! Yeah, fire, fire!
Butt-head
Shut up, assmunch, she said "liar."
Are you calling me a liar?
Butt-head
No, I'm calling you a waste of bumwipe.
Butt-head
These guys are cool 'cause they can, like, jump around real slow.
Butt-head
That would be cool if we could go to this forest and hang out with these guys.
Yeah. We can, like, dance in the forest and be cool.
Butt-head
Yeah!
Beavis and Butt-Head · 2,204 quotes