Batman: The Animated Series quotes

You donate a few million, and you think you own the place. I understand I'm to analyse something for you?

Bruce Wayne

Yeah, doc. See, I keep hearing squeaks in my chimney, and I found these in my empty fireplace. They look like hairs. I thought maybe you could tell me if I have a bat problem.

And what if they are bats, Mr. Wayne? What then? Destroy them like insects? We won't survive the next evolutionary cataclysm, but bats will! They're survivors, Mr. Wayne, not pests! You should understand that!

[enters laboratory upon hearing noises] Who's back there? [Spots Batman] You...!

Batman

I'm looking for Dr. March.

Batman

Where is he?

Giving a lecture on human extinction and bat evolution. He's really quite brilliant.

Batman

He's misguided, and a thief. [holds up a vial of the serum]

He's just a theorist, he was afraid to put it to the test. But I wasn't. I knew he'd discovered a formula to create a totally new species, neither man nor bat. And once I started taking it, I couldn't stop. I desperately wanted to, but... it took over. Francine and March tried to protect me, but it was too late. The beast knew what chemicals were needed to bring itself about! It was out of my control! And it only needs one more component to complete the process! [voice lowering] It's in ME, Batman! [laughs maniacally and begins to change into Man-Bat]

Joker

Jingle bells! Batman smells! Robin laid an egg! [gets a tree-topper and climbs to install it] The Batmobile lost a wheel and the Jo-ker got a-wa-a-a-ay! [attaches the ornament and the Christmas Tree ignites, revealed as a rocket. Joker clambers at it launches] Crashing through the roof! In a one-horse-open tree! Busting out I go! Laughing all the WHEEEEE! [the "rocket-tree" flies off into the distance as he sings]

Joker

Rumor has it, Christmas is a time to share with family.

Yea!

Joker

And since I don't have one of my own...

Aww...

Joker

I decided to STEAL one!

Yea!

Joker

And here they are: The Awful Lawful Family! [lights turn on and reveal Gordon, Summer, and Bullock tied up and gagged] Aren't they just the cutest family you've ever seen?

Batman

[watching in the Batmobile] It's never easy with the Joker.

Joker

Meet Daddy Lawful! [ungags Gordon]

Commissioner Gordon

You diseased maniac! I'll- [Joker gags him again]

Joker

Hmm. Looks like I'll have to teach Daddy some manners. And here's Mommy Lawful! [ungags Summer]

Help! Somebody please help us- [Joker gags her again]

Joker

Ho ho ho, isn't she jolly? And here we have little Baby Lawful! Coochie coochie coo! [ungags Bullock]

Detective Bullock

When I get my hands on you, I'll rip your- [Joker gags him again]

Joker

I'll bet Batman wishes he had a family just like mine. Personally I think relatives are a bore, so Batman can have them... [points to clock showing 10:30PM] if he can find them by midnight! Otherwise... [makes a throat-slashing motion and laughs]

Your father and I attended university together. He had big plans for you.

Bruce Wayne

Well, I guess he'd be pleased. Wayne Industries is more prosperous than ever.

Pleased? When your father was alive, Wayne was a name that commanded great respect. Now all Wayne stands for is a self-centered jet-setting playboy. It's lucky your father didn't live to see what you've done to his good name. He'd have died of shame.

Bruce...

Batman

No... not now...

You are a disgrace! [turns into the Grim Reaper]

Batman

No... You are NOT my father. I am NOT a disgrace! I am vengeance, I am the night, I AM BATMAN!

Summer Gleeson

I'm here in Downtown Gotham where corporate CEOs have gone stark, raving mad. It would appear that the collapse of the stock market is now imminent. The question is: Will April Fools' Day mark the end of Gotham City as we know it?

Joker

The only things gaining now are the laughing stocks! [laughs]

Batman

Justice WILL be served, Joker.

Joker

Service with a smile? [He tosses a razor card at Batman. Batman dodges it.]

Batman

Clean up your act, Joker.

Joker

Oh, that's a joke, right? Batman finally told a joke!

Dent

So, what do you think?

Bruce

Does she have a sister?

Dent

Nope. Pam's one of a kind. That's why I asked her to marry me.

Bruce

WHAT?!

Dent

Yup, that's the page one headline. Hey... is it starting to get warm?

Bruce

You're still flushed from that last kiss. Harvey, you just met her last week.

Dent

And I already know she's the one. Gosh, it's hot in here...

Bruce

Marriage is a major step, Harvs. Don't you think you're rushing it?

Dent

No way. The moment I laid eyes on Pam, her love hit me right in the face. [collapses]

Bruce

[laughs] Harvey, you've lost your mind. Knock it off. Harv? Harvey! [Later sees Harvey carried into an ambulance and climbs inside] Hang on, Harvey. Hang on.

Poison Ivy

[chuckles] Batman. A late night rendezvous? To what do I owe the honor?

Batman

[struggling against Ivy's giant flytrap] Harvey Dent!

Poison Ivy

Oh, the poor district attorney. I hear he's not expected to live. Oh, it's so sad... [feigns crying, which quickly turns to laughter]

Batman

Why, Isley?

Poison Ivy

Oh, please, call me Poison Ivy. You see, Harvey had to pay for his crime.

Batman

What crime?

Poison Ivy

Why, murder, of course. Plowing up a field of beautiful wildflowers for that silly penitentiary of his. This little rose would be extinct today if I hadn't saved my precious from those horrible bulldozers. The blood of those flowers are on his hands. So his fate was sealed [applies lipstick] ...with a kiss. And now, so is yours. [Ivy's plant holds Batman still as she kisses him; he tries to spit away the poison] Oh, what's wrong? Afraid I have cooties? [laughs] Oh, now you've gone and hurt my feelings. Too bad. I was going to share the antidote with you. Lovely fragrance, don't you think? I call it "Rose From the Dead".

Sewer King

Lesson number one is: NOOOOO TAAAALKING! Children are to be seen and not heard. We are the Underdwellers. We are the silent ones. We follow the invisible creed.

Sewer King

Frog! The rolls, if you please. You're not Frog! Where is he?! He's not here! NOT HERE! And after all I've done for you ungrateful little monsters! I took you in when nobody else would have you! It is I who care for you! I who provide for you! And only I WHO KNOWS WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU! Would you rather I sent you back into the light? Back to those who hurt you, and sent you away? THERE WILL BE NOTHING TO EAT UNTIL FROG IS FOUND! NOW OUT WITH YOU! OUT WITH YOU!

Batman

I don't know what kind of barbarian did this to you, but it's over. And from now on, you'll be treated like human beings.

Sewer King

[clapping] Bravo. Bravo. You've caused me great distress, you evil bat, yes, yes, yes, you have. You've hurt my pretty pets, and you've frightened my beloved children.

Batman

"Beloved children"?!

Sewer King

Yes. I feed them, I clothe them, I discipline them, and I teach them a trade. And now, I will teach you something!

Batman

Grab my hand!

Sewer King

NEVER!

Batman

A gruesome fate for a gruesome man.

Sewer King

I rather enjoyed it! I told you, they're my pretties! [pets one, laughing] Have a nice swim!

Batman

Later.

Sewer King

Why? Why?! Why?!

Batman

I don't pass sentence. That's for the courts. But this time - this time - I am sorely tempted to do the job myself!