Alfred Pennyworth quotes from Batman: The Animated Series

[Alfred flies the Batwing to the tracking device's location] This must be the place! Bring us down!

Negative.

But Master Bruce is down there! We HAVE to land!

Impossible. Area too confined.

Land, you bucket of bolts!

Your funeral.

Oh, dear. [The Batwing flies down abruptly. Bruce, escaping the mine, sees the Batwing fly over]

Bruce

Son of a gun.

Watch your step.

I-I-I claim this land... for Spain. [collapses]

I'm just glad to know it wasn't really Bruce Wayne who attacked me.

Summer Gleeson

Thank you, Mr. Fox. All charges against Wayne have, of course, been dropped. And Roland Daggett remains in custody.

My word, sir. I should think after all this, it would time to rest.

Batman

Look. A piece of clay left behind when they took Hagan's body away. Watch. [zaps the clay with electricity, causing it to morph into multiple shapes]

Electricity has no effect on it?

Batman

Exactly. [scene changes to a morgue where a doctor uncovers Clayface's body; voice-over] I wouldn't be surprised if the body they took to the morgue was only a shell [Clayface's body cracks and crumbles into little pieces] Don't forget, first and foremost, Hagan was an actor. [scene changes to Teddy outside the hospital] He said it himself, Alfred. He called it a scene. Maybe the greatest scene in his career.

[sadly] See you 'round, Matt. [walks away]

Batman

A death scene so real... it fooled us all.

(after judgment has been passed) No! You can't! I'll be ruined!

Then perhaps this will teach you to be on time for a change.

Batman

What kind of a saboteur uses a six-thousand dollar Metronex to set a time bomb?

A saboteur with too much money?

Bruce Wayne

Roland Daggett's up to something, Alfred.

That almost goes without saying, doesn't it, sir?

[seeing Batman with a Joker Fish] Dining in tonight, sir?

Batman

[sighs] The dissection tray, please, Alfred...

Any idea what our happy friend is up to now?

Batman

Normal criminals usually have logical motives, but the Joker's insane schemes make sense to him alone.

[After learning about the AI project] Sounds as if the human race could become quite expendable, except for butlers, of course.

Batman

Of course.

Batman

Reports of a huge bat creature the size of a man. Remind you of anybody?

Present company excluded?

Batman

"Where does a 500 pound gorilla sleep?" "What's worse than a millipede with flat feet?" "How do you stuff five elephants into a compact car?"

Anywhere it wants, a giraffe with a sore throat, and two in the front seat, two in the back, and one in the trunk.

Batman

Yeah, yeah. I know, I know. Any schoolboy knows those. But brain teasers are the Riddler's M.O. Not corny old jokes like these.

Perhaps the questions are the clues, not the answers. For example, they all seem to involve animals.

Batman

Also numbers. A 500 pound gorilla. A millipede, meaning a thousand legs. And five elephants. Now let's convert them to Roman numerals. [he does, revealing the letters DMV] Look.

DMV.

Department of Motor Vehicles.

But I recall you mentioning he'd already obliterated his records there, so why return?

Batman

For the hard copy.

Riddler

Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no tales.

Batman

Another riddle, Nygma?

Riddler

It all makes sense when you add it up.

Four quarters and a penny, sir?

Batman

Penny... Penny... Cent... Red cent... Copper. It's made of copper.

And "copper" is another word for a policeman.

Batman

And "no tails" would be heads. Police head... Quarters!

Police Headquarters. Bravo, sir. It does make "cents" when you add it up.

Batman

A weary body can be dealt with. But a weary spirit? That's something else. Sometimes, old friend, I wonder if I'm really doing any good out there.

How can you doubt it? The lives you've saved, the criminals you've brought to justice--

Batman

I've put out a few fires, yes. Won a few battles. But the war goes on, Alfred. On and on...

You have a call on your private line.

Bruce

Then let's go!

In your condition, sir?

Bruce

If you think a little inconvenience like this is going to stop me...

Indeed.

Bruce

Tell me, Alfred: what's an ancient Mayan witch doctor doing on a Gotham skyscraper?

This isn't one of those Riddler questions, is it?

Bruce

No, but it's just as confusing.

I must say, after all the Hatter put him through, that fellow showed remarkable restraint.

Bruce

When everything was said and done, all the shaman really wanted was to go home. In fact, I hear he even sent the Hatter a farewell gift.

Bruce

Something to ensure that Jervis Tetch only dreams of a good honest life from now on.

We are speaking of the same person, are we not? Harvey Bullock? The detective who looks like an unmade bed?

Batman

The same.

He came to you for help? It must be serious.

Batman

She's done nothing more incriminating than return an overdue video - even paid the late fee.

Could it be Ivy truly has reformed?

Batman

I want to believe it. Why can't I?