The Riddler quotes from Batman: The Animated Series

Riddler

Hello, Batman. This is it: the end of the game. I'm a little sad actually. You were a worthy opponent. But then, I told you I'd make a killing at the Toy Fair!

Riddler

[ranting in a cell in Arkham] IT'S IMPOSSIBLE, I TELL YOU!! IMPOSSIBLE!! MY TRAP WAS PERFECT!! HOW DID HE DO IT?! I HAVE TO KNOW!! SOMEBODY TELL ME!! IT'S NOT FAIR!! THERE WAS NO WAY, I TELL YOU!! NO WAY HE COULD HAVE GOTTEN OUT!! SOMEBODY TELL ME!! DO YOU HEAR ME?! SOMEBODY TELL ME HOW HE DID IT!! I HAVE TO KNOW!! I HAVE TO KNOOOOOOOOOW!!!

Riddler

That is grand-scale CHEATING, Batman! You're not allowed to tamper with the Hand of Fate!

Batman

I don't believe in fate.

Riddler

You probably don't believe in Minotaurs either, but you'll still have to answer the Riddle.

I have billions of eyes, yet I live in darkness. I have millions of ears, yet only four lobes. I have no muscles, yet I move two hemispheres. What am I?

Batman

[pauses] That's simple: the human brain. [The Minotaur backs away] It has billions of optic and auditory nerves, four lobes and two hemispheres, and it's the only thing Edward Nygma respects.

Riddler

A lucky guess, that's all! But it won't save you, Batman! [to the Minotaur] DESTROY THEM!

Riddler

Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no tales.

Batman

Another riddle, Nygma?

Riddler

It all makes sense when you add it up.

Four quarters and a penny, sir?

Batman

Penny... Penny... Cent... Red cent... Copper. It's made of copper.

And "copper" is another word for a policeman.

Batman

And "no tails" would be heads. Police head... Quarters!

Police Headquarters. Bravo, sir. It does make "cents" when you add it up.

Robin

He can't be online. I searched through every file.

Riddler

You searched the software. Had you bothered to examine the hardware, you would have discovered a cordless modem line.

Riddler

Nice try, Batman, but in my world, you play by my rules.

Batman

You may control this world, Nygma, but I still control myself.

Riddler

The name is "Riddler". Edward Nygma doesn't exist anymore. You may recall that he was once fired by an ungrateful employer. That was a private matter and was meant to remain one.

Batman

Attempted homicide is never a "private matter", Nygma!

Riddler

No, but it would have been if you hadn't interfered and turned Edward Nygma into a fugitive! So I deleted Nygma! Just as I'm about to delete you, Batman!

Riddler

We can keep this up as long as you can! Any number you can think of, we can double!

Batman

Tell me, Riddler - how can you split your focus in thirty-two directions, and sustain the consciousness needed to keep your world together? You can't!

Riddler

No... NO!

Riddler

[still inside] I can escape that easily too! But then, if the planet were equitable, I'd still have my old job! [the screen flickers] No! No, not yet! NO! [screams]

Robin

Looked like he suffered some kind of attack, like a sensory overload or something...

But we'll never know for sure, cause we'll never find him.

Batman

Oh, no? Come on. I think he left us a clue... "If the planet were equitable, I'd still have my old job".

Robin

Of course. If the "World's Fair," I'd still have my "Ex-position". Oh, give me a break.

Batman

Looks like he didn't escape his virtual reality in time.

Robin

You mean he's been trapped inside his own program?

Batman

Could be. And how to get him out may be a riddle no one can solve.

Riddler

[in Bruce's memory] Those are things of the past, Batman. Ancient history that's gone now. I'm a new man. But you probably won't figure that out before it's too late. [laughs]

Bruce

He did it.

Dick

Who?

Bruce

The Riddler. Remember what he said: "Things of the past." "Ancient history that's gone now." Look.

Dick

Gee, I don't know. His riddles aren't usually that subtle. Besides, he's got a multimillion dollar deal with that toy company. Why would he throw it away over some stupid riddle crime?

Bruce

Because that's the way his warped mind works. He's obsessed.

Riddler

He's right, you know.

Who?

Riddler

Batman. He is going to catch me, sooner or later.

Gee, boss, you're scaring me. You're talking kinda crazy.

Riddler

DON'T YOU EVER CALL ME THAT! I fooled the police, the doctors, the Parole Board - all of them! There's only one person who's ever been able to challenge me: BATMAN! He's the only one worthy of the game!

But you said sooner or later he's gonna catch you. What are you gonna do?

Riddler

I'm never going back to Arkham! So I guess there's only one thing to do!

Riddler

[after Batman reveals he survived his trap] There's no way you could have escaped from that explosion! How did you get out?!

Batman

That's my little riddle.

Riddler

Please, you must tell me! [pauses] All right, you win. You'll tell me what I want to know, and I'll tell you what you want to know. Okay?

Batman

[smiles and folds his arms] You mean where you've hidden everything you've stolen?

Riddler

Certainly. I'll even tell you how I committed all those robberies. [holds out his hand] Deal?

Batman

No. [Batman takes out one of Riddler's two-way radios] Did you get that?

[from the radio] We got it.

This ought to be enough to prove a parole violation. You're going away for good this time. All right, get him out of here.

[about the radio] My compliments. This is a great little idea.

Riddler

[stops] Wait a minute! Aren't you gonna tell how you did it?! That's not fair!